Oh No – Not the CIA!

• RATING:            PG-13
• SUMMARY:       Drunk people AGAIN! Sequel to So What does FBI Stand For?
• CATEGORY:      Humour
• SPOILERS:        None At All.
• AUTHOR'S NOTE: Alright – so I gave in and wrote it…Thanks to Kelly and my husband (and probably others) for some of those oh-so-brilliant suggestions.

 

 

“Now we’ve exhausted the FBI, what about CIA?” asked Jack.

 

“NO!” responded everyone else.

 

But loudest of all was the Little Owl on the shelf – who finally succumbed to peer pressure (plus a few excellent suggestions) and wrote the blinking thing.

 

“Oh go on! I’ve got into this stupid game now….” Jack looked petulant. “C’mon I’m Asking…”

 

“Jack, please!” Daniel gave him a pained expression. Was it Jack’s imagination or was Daniel looking a little green around the edges?

 

“Careful, Inebriated Archaeologist” grinned Sam.

 

“Ooh look, Carter In Action!” said Jack.

 

“Oh no, Carter Is Awesome” mumbled the drunken heap in the corner that was formerly known as Janet.

 

“I thought we weren’t playing this game.” Grumbled Daniel.

 

“No Daniel – you aren’t playing this game. Everyone else is joining in. Now, be a good boy and play nicely with your friends, or go to bed.” Daniel scowled at Jack’s fatherly admonishment.

 

“Coo I’m Afraid” he said in a sarcastic tone, and stuck his tongue out at Jack, who beamed back.

 

“There, isn’t that so much better, now you’re joining in? We can all have fun together.”

 

“Crap, I’m Atrophied.”  Daniel lay back on the floor with a groan.

 

“ See – he’s doing it again – big words when drunk!” Janet seemed to come back to life. She sat up and looked at the prostrated archaeologist. “You okay Daniel? You look a bit…unwell.”

 

“Oh no…the room’s spinning. I don’t like it down here!” Daniel decided sitting up might be better. “Coffee Is Answer,” he muttered as he dragged himself up on to his feet and staggered off to the kitchen. Bangs and crashing sounds echoed out of there.

 

“Do you think he needs help, Sir?” Sam looked concerned.

 

“Na. He knows what he’s doing.” A loud crash followed by an agonised yelp from Daniel emanated from the kitchen. “I’d better check what he’s up to.” Jack dragged himself up out of the couch and wandered off to see what had happened.

 

“Caught In the Act” grumbled Daniel, as Jack walked into the kitchen. He was rubbing his head where a large plastic storage jar had landed on it. There was debris from the cupboard’s contents everywhere, including half a dozen bars of chocolate.

 

“Daniel, what were you doing in that cupboard? The coffee’s in the refrigerator, as well you know.”

 

Daniel had the grace to look sheepish.

“That’s where you keep the small stash of chocolate you have, and…I’ve got munchies…”

 

“Well, as you can see, you grubby fingered little thief, for once I’ve got….”

 

“Chocolates In Abundance!” they chorused. Jack looked round at the mess in the kitchen.

 

“Better clean this mess up Daniel.”

 

Daniel just stood swaying gently, still holding his head.

“Cleaning Is Awful” he murmured vaguely.

 

“Are you alright?” Jack peered at Daniel’s eyes. It could just be the alcohol, but those baby-blues were just a tad glazed over, and he had just dropped something heavy on his head. “Doc! In here now!” Jack yelled.

 

His yell brought Janet, Sam and Teal’c into the kitchen.

“What is it? What’s happened?” asked Janet, suddenly appearing sober.

 

“Daniel dropped this,” said Jack waving the storage container, “on his head. While he was stealing chocolate”, he added with a pointed glare at Daniel, who stood giving his best impression of a stunned mullet (you know, the dopey expression with his mouth wide open).

 

Janet sat Daniel down on a chair in the corner, and went into full doctor mode, checking him over. For a full five minutes, she performed various tests. Finally, she whispered something in his ear, which set Daniel off into a fit of the giggles. She stood up.

“Okay. My diagnosis is – he’s drunk. Very drunk. I’d get that coffee made, Colonel. He’ll have a lump on his head, but he’ll have a worse hangover, so I doubt he’ll notice!”

 

“Okay. Even though the Cavalry Is Absent, Crisis Instantly Averted!” declared Jack. “I’ll make coffee – but remember, Caffeine Is Addictive!”

 

“Indeed O’Neill. And alcoholic beverages Can Intoxicate Anyone,” added Teal’c, “Creating Inklings of Awareness that Cultivated Inhibitions Abate.” Everyone stared at the big man in amazement. He merely raised an eyebrow in response.

 

Sam groaned.

“Come on Janet, these Crazy Imbeciles Astound me. Let’s go sit down in comfort.”

 

“Okay. Remember Daniel, Concussions Induce Agony” Janet followed her friend back to the sitting room.

 

As the two of them retrieved and refilled their glasses, and settled onto the couch, Sam asked her friend

“What did you say to Daniel that made him laugh so much?”

”Nothing much, just threatened to give him a sponge bath in the gateroom next time I had to treat him for an alcohol induced injury.”

 

Sam raised her eyebrows in amazement.

“And he just giggled – he must be drunk! He didn’t even blush!”

 

The three men came back into the room.

“Got any more CIA stuff yet girls?” Jack threw himself onto the couch next to Janet. He reached over and picked up his beer bottle. Teal’c went and sat in the chair previously occupied by Janet, and Daniel sat back on the floor. He picked up his glass and looked at the somewhat dubious mixture of red and white wine. He scowled at it and put it back down again.

 

“Constitutionally Inferior Agents,” he said.

 

“Cruising Illegally – Arrested” added Jack.

 

“Crafty Intelligence of Alabama” said Teal’c.

 

“Why do I get the feeling they weren’t just making coffee in there?” grumbled Janet.

”Catching Information by Association” said Jack, looking exceptionally pleased with himself. He took another long swig of his beer.

 

“Carmel Is Amazing” Sam murmured, a dreamy smile flitting across her features.

 

“Craftily Innocuous Amendments” said Janet.

”Corrupt Investors Association” added Sam

 

“Clowns In Ambulances” giggled Janet

”Confined Imprisoners Anonymous” said Daniel taking a tentative sip of the mixture in his glass. He shrugged and downed the lot.

 “Completely Immoral Alcoholic” said Janet, pointing at Daniel.

“Not so,” said Daniel, refilling his glass with the remains of the bottle of red wine.

 

“Are too.”

 

“Not!”

 

“Are!”

 

“Hey kids! Cut It Out!” Jack glared at Daniel and Janet, who both looked suitably embarrassed.

 

“That’s CIO, not CIA Sir.” Pointed out Sam, with an oh-so smug expression on her face. “Create Interesting Algorithms”

 

“Cool Interesting Astronomy” responded Jack “You introduce your specialist subject, so can I”

 

“Cannibals In Anthropology” said Daniel, “Cool Inca Architecture…Cherokee Indians Amaze…”

 

“Stop him! His specialist subjects make this one too easy.” Jack pointed at Daniel with his beer bottle. “Teal’c, if he starts again, sit on him!”

 

“Corrupt In-laws Accordingly” said Janet, and then got up and disappeared into the kitchen. She reappeared with five mugs of coffee, several chocolate bars, the milk carton and a packet of sugar on a tray. “She handed one to Daniel. “Drink this now! Doctor’s orders, or I’ll make good my threat on Monday.”

 

“Ooh, really? Can I watch?” said Sam.

 

“The whole SGC can watch if they want to.” Janet waved the cup again, and Daniel took it, then leaned across and grabbed a chocolate bar from the tray.

 

“What are you on about?” asked Jack

 

“Careful – Intimacy Applies” replied Sam. “Cautious Investigation Arouses Critical Inspection Agenda.”

 

“Excuse me?” said Jack.

 

Sam thought for a moment.

“I have no idea. That made no sense whatsoever, did it? Pass the coffee Janet!”

 

“Curiously Interesting Accoutrements, Doctor Fraiser.” Teal’c watched Janet stirring her coffee with the handle of a fork.

 “Clever Item Adaptation, Teal’c.” she smiled.

 A comfortable silence descended over the group as they drank their coffee and ate the chocolate.

”How many more Completely Idiotic Acronyms can we cover in one night?” asked Daniel.

 

“Well, there are loads we haven’t covered yet. SGC, MALP, GDO, PhD, CMO…” said Sam.

 

“Okay, so which one is next? The night is but young” said Jack with a wicked twinkle in his eye.

 

 

 

TBC.