He has asked, so I will tell
I don’t know how we did it, but he is no longer
registering as radioactive. Finally,
it’s safe for me and my staff to touch him. I attend to the cuts on his face
and dress the burns on his right hand. The burns are bad, deep, full thickness
burns. And the tendons are damaged as well. He needs surgery to stop the hand
from being permanently damaged, but now it’s all academic.
Because Daniel is going to die and there is
absolutely nothing I can do.
He’s sitting on the bed in the isolation room,
staring at the bandage on his hand. He looks fine, a few small cuts on his face
and the bandage on his hand, that’s it. Against the white scrubs he’s wearing
his skin looks a healthy colour. His light tan makes him look well. Under
normal circumstances I’d be sending him home – but these aren’t normal
circumstances.
He’s going to die. Horribly.
And I am going to have to stand by and watch it happen, powerless to help him.
Oh God help him, there’s nothing I can do.
The only small mercy, and it is the smallest of
small mercies, is that this will be quick. He won’t take weeks or months to
die. If the radiation dose that Sam estimated he got is correct, he won’t even
take days. It’ll be hours. But even that will be too long.
“Janet,” His voice is quiet and calm.
“Yes Daniel?” I wish was as in control as my voice
sounds.
“What’s going to happen to me?” I close my eyes and
swallow hard, but he carries on talking. “I know I’m going to die, but how?
What’s going to happen?”
“You don’t want to know.”
He fixes me with an impossibly blue stare. “I do
want to know Janet. I want to know the specifics, because since I got here
everyone has a look in their eyes that tells me it’s really bad. I want to know
how bad. Please.”
How is he managing to remain so calm? Because he doesn’t know the details. Ignorance is bliss
Daniel. But he has asked, so I will tell.
I dismiss the nurse who’s been assisting me, and
she closes the door behind her. We are alone. I sit next to him on the bed. I make eye
contact, and I tell him.
When I have finished, he looks absolutely
terrified. I have seen Daniel Jackson
hurt, asleep, upset, bereaved, at his most vulnerable, but I realise that until
this moment I have never seen him scared shitless.
“It’s not going to be pretty, is it?” he says with
a watery smile, and then his lower lip trembles, his mouth twists around on itself and the tears that are brimming in his eyes start to
fall. “Oh shit Janet. How can I do this?”
His tears trigger my own. I’m supposed to be
detached damn it. I’m not supposed to care. But this man is one of my dearest friends,
and I am going to have to watch him die knowing that there is nothing I can do
to prevent it or make it any easier.
I stand up and pull his head onto my chest, and I
hug him as tight as I can, knowing that this is probably the last hug he will ever
get, because in no time at all physical contact will become unbearably painful
for him. He wraps his arms around my waist and we cling to each other for all
we’re worth and sob like children. I’m breaking every rule in the book, but
right now, I really couldn’t give a damn.
I don’t know how long we stay like that, but
eventually we break apart.
“Thanks Janet,” he smiles at me and wipes his eyes
and nose on the back of his hand. I hand him a tissue from the box by the bed
and take one for myself. I wipe my eyes
and blow my nose, and we both recover our composure. He looks at me from red
rimmed eyes and shakes his head. “Trust me to do it the hard way. Couldn’t find an easier way to die.”
I am amazed at his ability to
He blows his nose, and as he takes the tissue away,
his nose starts to bleed. We look at each other in horror. It’s started.
It’s the beginning of the pain.
It’s the beginning of the end.
*fin*
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