All's Fair

 

• RATING:         R according to the Cartouche rating software – I would say a strong R

• CATEGORY:    Angst, H/C, POV

• PAIRINGS:      Daniel/Sha’re, Daniel/Other

• CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual situations, torture (mental), minor character death, imagined major character death, language, nudity,  Danny whumping (phew!).

• SPOILERS:           Abyss. Jolinar’s Memories. Need. FiaD. Summit/Last Stand. The Curse. Hathor. CotG.

• AUTHOR'S NOTE: Story set after Daniel has come home. Thanks to Devra for the alpha and the reassurance that really I haven’t lost my mind and gone too far with this one. Thanks as always to Ali for the beta. I’m told this is slashy – what you choose to see is your prerogative – I wrote this as Gen.

 

***

 

All’s fair in love and war.

 

Something I used to say all the time. Just a throwaway line that I used to use to justify some of the really awful things that I had to do. And then I met Daniel Jackson, and he showed me the fallacy of that line. All is not fair in love and war – or in life.

 

He has been through so much, lost too many people that he cared about. And somehow, Daniel takes it on the chin and rises above it. He manages to remain normal and even appears to be happy. I don’t know how he does it. I sure as hell couldn’t. Not after Charlie died. Not until I met Daniel and he showed me the way forward.

 

And now, here we are - the two of us, at the mercy of some bitch of a Goa’uld. What did Daniel say her name was? Bastet, that’s it. Bastet. Sounds too much like a much more appropriate name for her and all her kind - bastards.

 

How on Earth did we end up here?

 

It was supposed to be a nice, gentle, routine mission to get us back into the saddle again after Daniel’s return. Deserted planet with possible mineral deposits and lots of nice interesting ruins. No evidence of Goa’uld activity, either past or present. Carter and Teal’c had gone off collecting samples, and I was archaeologist minding. For once I didn’t mind. It was great to have him back where he belonged. Watching him do his thing. Getting excited because the squiggle went left instead of right. 

 

He had just called me over to see some really exciting mark on the wall, when we were sucked up out of there. No warning, nothing. At first I thought it was the Asgard. It felt like their teleportation things, but it wasn’t. It was this… Bastet in her mother-ship. It would appear that the system lords’ brief alliance with Anubis did them some favours – they now seem to have Asgard technology as well as everything else they’ve stolen as they’ve plundered their way across the galaxy.

 

I hope the bitch hasn’t got Carter and Teal’c. Bastet’s not letting on either way. If she has we haven’t got a hope in hell of getting out of here. Even if she hasn’t, our chances are still pretty damn remote, but at least they’ll be home safe and sound.

 

So here we are, strung up against the wall by our arms and ankles, either side of a table with straps. There are a number of reasons why a table might have straps, but right here, right now, I can only think of one, and it’s not particularly pleasant.

 

Here she is. Our jailer. She really is quite beautiful, but how many of the Goa’uld aren’t? Be honest with yourself, Jack. Have you ever seen an ugly Goa’uld? Nope, can’t say I have. They always choose the lookers as hosts. But then, wouldn’t we all? Given the choice, who wouldn’t pick the beauty over the one with bad breath and a broken nose?

 

Bastet - that name is so appropriate it would be funny under different circumstances – is prowling round the room, sizing us up. What is she going to do? There are no nasty devices in the room, no visible instruments of torture. But then Baal had all his hidden away out of sight. Shit. I mustn’t think about that right now. Leave the nightmares out of this.

 

I remember Daniel giving us one of his lectures when the SGC first really got going. Once we’d realised that Ra wasn’t the only one. He’d told us what we might expect each Goa’uld to be like, based on how Egyptian mythology portrayed each God. What did he reckon Bastet might be like? Come on Jack, you were listening…well, you heard some of it. Think. This is why he told you that stuff, so you’d know how to deal with each Goa’uld in a situation like this.

 

Shit. She’s stopped opposite Daniel. Don’t pick him. Pick me.

 

“Hey!”

 

She turns and looks at me. Daniel glares at me as well. I glare back at him. Not this time Danny. We’ve only just got you back.

 

She looks at us in turn. Slowly. A small smug smile appears, and then she speaks to him. She sounds like cat-woman without the Eartha Kitt purr. That’s it! Daniel said Bastet was the cat goddess! Shame we haven’t got any catnip.

 

“Why would Lord Yu’s lotar be with the Tau’ri? Unless he was a spy. A Tok’ra spy perhaps. You think your reactions to the news from Osiris went unnoticed? Others may have missed it, but I saw.” She runs her fingers over his face. He flinches slightly.

 

“Maybe I just changed my mind about serving false gods.”

 

Good on ya Danny, defiant to a fault.

 

“I wonder which one of you would be most entertaining? The Shol’va lotar or the Tau’ri?”

 

“The Tau’ri is worth nothing.” Daniel flashes a micro-look at me, warning me to butt out. Bastet isn’t fooled though. She looks from one of us to the other again.

 

“Interesting. You are both more concerned for the other’s welfare than your own. Perhaps this can be amusing…”

 

She turns back to Daniel. Looking at the Jaffa who is standing in the doorway, she snaps her fingers. He bows and goes to the wall. A sliding panel is opened, revealing…oh crap…all sorts of nasty little devices and bottles.

 

The Jaffa brings some out on a tray, and walks over to her. She’s looking them over the way that Carter chooses a chocolate. And she’s taking way too long about it. What’s that she’s got? Shit. It looks like one of Doc’s needles. It’s full of pink stuff. She’s walking towards Daniel, sticking it in his arm…oh Danny, what’s she pumped you full of? Whatever it was, it obviously hurt when she did it. His face is a mask of pain. His eyes are rolling up in his head, and his head flops forward. He’s out cold.

 

My turn now. I wish she’d speak. This silence is driving me nuts.

 

“What is that?” I ask as she picks up another one of those syringes. This one’s full of blue stuff. “Ow!” No wonder Daniel looked the way he did, it really stings. Whoa! The room’s spinning…I’m dizzy…. Tired…so…tire…

 

*

 

What time is it? How long have I been out?

 

I’m still strapped up to the wall. It’s been a while. When I came to the muscles in my arms hurt. Too long with them tied over my head. I need to focus. Everything’s blurry. Nauseous… I feel really sick. I struggle to focus on Daniel…he’s not there! Shit!

 

I look round the room, panic clouding what little rational thought the drug has left me with, and then I see him. He’s strapped to the table, and he’s naked. Lying there, spread-eagled, tied by wrist and ankle. It’s a good thing Daniel is still out of it because he would die of embarrassment otherwise.  He looks really tall and thin, stretched out there. Is he really that tall? Do clothes stop you looking as tall as you are…? Get a grip Jack - focus on the problem.

 

I can see one of those Tok’ra memory thingies on his temple. What is she going to do to him? Why is he naked? I can feel an ache in my left temple. Has she put one on me? She must have. It would appear that once she’s finished with Daniel, it’ll be my turn next. But thankfully, I’ve still got my clothes on.

 

Daniel lets out a sigh. He seems to be waking up.

 

“Psst! Daniel.” I try to attract his attention, but he’s not really awake yet.

 

Too late. Here comes Bastet and her entourage. Three Jaffa, all carrying large, flat boxes. She looks at me and smiles. It is not a nice smile – no warmth or friendliness. She moves like a cat, all sinuous and lithe. Seems I might be first after all. Maybe because I am awake, she’ll take me. Suits me.

 

“I see you have awakened. Good. We can start our entertainment now.” The Goa’uld reaches into the smallest box and picks out a syringe and something that looks like a fat ballpoint.

 

Entertainment? What is she on? Surely she can’t think that torture is fun? These snakeheads never cease to amaze me… She sticks the syringe into Daniel’s thigh and pumps him full of whatever it is, before moving to stand in front of me. She lifts the pen-thingy to my head.

 

“Ow!” She’s just done something to the thing stuck in the side of my head. Oh God. I can’t move my head. Whatever it is, it’s holding my head so I can’t look away from Daniel. This is so sick. I can’t bear it. I can’t even close my eyes. I am so not gonna like this.

 

She turns back to the table where Daniel is laid out. Trailing long painted fingernails across his chest, Bastet moves round it so she is now facing me. That figures. Force me to watch her and then watch my reaction. Well, she’s not going to get any reaction from me. I’ll just go deep. I’ll go back to that place that Daniel got me out of when we went to Abydos the first time.

 

A snap of her fingers and another one of the Jaffa steps forward, carrying his box. The Goa’uld opens the lid and reaches in, removing something that looks like the thing that Martouf used on Carter to access Jolinar’s memories. It looks more like a remote control though – there are lots of buttons on it. She touches one button and a screen drops down from the ceiling. She then touches the activator thing to the device in his temple, and his thoughts are projected onto it. She touches the corner of the screen, pushing it until it is angled towards me.

 

She’s flicking through images at speed. We see his parents’ death – twice. Then we see Nick shaking his head and walking off. Various faces flash past, none of which mean any thing to me, then Bastet suddenly stops the slideshow at one image. Who’s that?

 

It’s Osiris. No, not Osiris, Sarah. The clothes look dated. Must be when she and Daniel were dating. Oh my, she’s taking her clothes off… Bastet looks intrigued by this. She’s giving Daniel a strange look.  Even though his eyes are closed, he’s frowning. Perhaps he’s waking up a bit.

 

She’s flicking through again. There are so many different images of Sarah naked – in all sorts of weird places. She and Daniel had an – adventurous love life to say the least. Bastet flicks on and on. Then she stops.

 

Hathor.  Oh please, let’s not go back to Hathor. The mess that that bitch left in Daniel’s head is just too awful for words. I cannot tear my eyes from the images being displayed. Hathor is stripping Daniel’s clothes from him, she’s touching him…oh no. I really think we should leave this one well alone.

 

Daniel has gone tense while Bastet is playing this memory. Despite the fact he’s still not awake; his face is registering his distress and revulsion. He whimpers slightly and then forces out one word – “Don’t”. His voice sounds odd, strangled.

 

The bitch looks pleased at this reaction, and continues to watch Hathor violating Daniel, a fascinated expression on her face. I try to speak, to stop this, but my voice won’t work. I can’t even open my mouth. We go through the whole thing, every last sordid moment of it.

 

Bastet is frowning now. She is clearly confused by Daniel’s history with female Goa’ulds. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch. She grabs his face in one hand and looks closely at him.

 

Daniel is becoming slightly more alert, but he’s still pretty sleepy. His eyes are closed. Oh crap. He’s doing his muttering thing. He does this sometimes when he’s halfway between being asleep and awake. Bastet bends down to hear what he’s saying. What are you saying Danny?

 

“Sha’re…” he murmurs. That gets me. How long has it been since he lost her, and he still says his wife’s name on waking. That has got to be true love.

 

“Sha’re?” Bastet looks curious. She adjusts something on the device, and then holds it to his temple again. A new image zooms into focus.

 

It’s Sha’re as she was when we first met her. All dark curls and shy smile. The girl that Daniel fell in love with.

 

“Ah. Ammonet.” Bastet looks pleased with this discovery. She touches the device with the thing in her hand again. And the images change.

 

This time Sha’re and Daniel are in the middle of a room full of Abydonians. Kasuf hands them a small bowl. The crowd falls silent as they drink from it, and then erupts into applause. It must be their wedding. I never saw this. It all happened after I’d left to come home. Now there’s laughter and music, and the two of them are dancing together.

 

Bastet is looking really unimpressed with this display of love and happiness. She wields the device again, and the image changes once more. Daniel and Sha’re are alone. They are moving towards each other, and they’re kissing. Daniel is unfastening Sha’re’s robes…I really don’t want to watch this. This is private.  I can’t move my head or close my eyes. But I can move my eyes. I look away from the images, at Daniel’s face.

 

He has a faint smile on his lips. In fact, even with his eyes closed, the expression on his face is happier than any I have seen since the day I left him on Abydos with Sha’re. I look at Bastet. She is watching the images on the screen with relish. She touches something on the device in her hand and now we can hear…everything.

 

I move my viewpoint down towards Daniel’s feet. I really do not want to be forced to share in this exposure of something so precious and private. As my eyes skim past Daniel’s hips, I realise that he is, understandably, getting pleasure from this memory, and that the Goa’uld bitch has her hand wrapped round his dick. Why are all snakeheads such sick perverts?

 

Suddenly, my eyes are jerked upwards, back to the images being played out in front of me. Bastet is glaring at me, and she is pointing the activator device thing at me. I fight to get my eyes away from the scenes playing out in front of me. Bastet glowers and presses a button. “Aah!” God that hurts! There’s a really nasty vibration in my head, and my eyes are forced back to watch the images.

 

I feel totally nauseated. Daniel is still high on the drugs that she pumped him full of earlier. He must be. He is such a private man. Incredible to think that someone who talks so much about so many things never reveals anything much about his personal life. The little I know has come out when he has been drunk, or really upset. I probably know more than most people. If Daniel was aware of what was being done to him, to his most private, most intimate memories of Sha’re, he would curl up and die.

 

I try to make the images go out of focus. Try my best to ignore them. Bastet has gone back to sexually abusing Daniel. She is distracted. Not paying me any attention. I try, and find I can move my eyes away. It hurts but this is the least I can do for my friend. I know he would do the same for me.

 

I stare at Daniel’s toes, concentrating on them. He has incredible toes. They’re long and slim. His whole foot is long and slim. I need to blot out the sounds… those two are incredibly loud for people living in a tent! I try to sing out loud, but whatever is holding my head in place is stopping me from making any sound at all. I might not be able to do it out loud, but I sure as hell can sing in my head…Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…

 

It’s not working. I can still hear, and the hold that the device has over my eyes coupled with the pain, means that I keep catching glimpses of the images.  To my shame, I realise that I am becoming aroused by this myself. Think of algorithms. Think about Daniel’s oh-so-tedious briefings. Think about anything but this.

 

Daniel’s breathing is heavy and fast, and it’s going in time with the sounds that I cannot blot out. Whatever event it is that Daniel is remembering reaches its climax, and with a grunt, Daniel follows suit.

 

Daniel, I am so sorry that I was forced to witness that. I can only hope that you are so doped up that you will never realise that it happened, let alone that it happened in front of me.

 

Bastet walks back round the table to stand in front of me. I realise in disgust that she is licking her hand clean. “Didn’t you enjoy the show? Perhaps we can find something more entertaining for you?” She looks at me, and then grabs my dick through the fabric of my pants. She raises one eyebrow. “Maybe you weren’t as unimpressed as you tried to appear. However, with this,” she waves the device at me, “I can create images out of whatever lurks in your minds. Let me see what you might prefer…”

 

She touches the device to the thing on my head, and now images from my mind appear.  Charlie, Sara, Laira, Kynthia, Daniel, Carter, Teal’c. All these images flash past. She’s like me when I’m bored and there’s nothing on the TV – flicking through the channels without watching anything, just looking for something that might grab her attention.

 

She’s stopped. Please not that one. Hasn’t he suffered enough?

 

The image that she’s playing now is when Carter and I rushed into that tent to find Daniel lying next to Sha’re’s body on the floor, and Teal’c standing over them.

 

The bitch is looking interested. She’s glancing back at Daniel where he’s lying on the table. She’s not going to make him suffer that one is she?

 

Leave him alone.

 

Did I manage to say that out loud? Or does my face give the game away, because she’s looking at me, curiosity written all over her face. “This concern for him is most interesting. Why? Are you lovers?”

 

As if I’d answer that. I try to deflect her question with a question, but it’s hard to speak. “Why?” I croak out.

 

“You amuse me. Nothing more.” She looks detached, and wanders back to Daniel.  She stands over him, tracing the line of his jaw with the device she holds in her hand.

 

This is more chilling than if she was trying to extract information. She really is like a cat playing with a mouse long after it is dead. How long will it last before she gets bored and finishes us off? It could be an eternity. If she’s got a sarcophagus, even death may not be the end of it. I know I can’t do that again, and I’m not sure Daniel could. He’s been addicted once – how much would it take to hook him again?

 

She’s looking at me again. She points the device at me, and images fast forward in a blur. She then places it against the metal stud embedded in Daniel’s temple. He grimaces, and then the image starts to play.

 

It’s Sha’re’s tent, but something’s not right. This is all wrong. This isn’t what happened. I never saw Ammonet use the ribbon device on Daniel. What…? I’m taking aim. Oh God no! I’m shooting the crap out of her. Blasting her to hell with my P90. This didn’t happen. It wasn’t like this. Shit.

 

A sob escapes from Daniel. There are tears running down his cheeks. I cannot bear this. It was bad enough in reality, but this is so much worse. I find I can speak again. “Stop! Don’t do this. Please.”

 

She’s looking at me – smug self-satisfaction all over her face. Bending down, she licks the tears from Daniel’s cheek. Without taking her eyes off me, she traces his jaw line with her tongue, and follows his throat down to the little hollow between his collarbones. This is so cold, so calculating. She is pure evil.

 

I cannot allow this to continue. Daniel’s been through too much in his life. This abuse is too close to what Hathor did to him. I will not let it happen again. I have to do…something. At least he’s not fully conscious this time.

 

“Leave him alone. Use me.” I stare defiantly at her.

 

“But I am using you. Both of you.” She walks back to stand in front of me. Running her hand over my chest and down over my hipbone, she looks up at me through her eyelashes. She lifts the device to my temple, and that horrible vibration rattles my skull again.

 

I can see Charlie, running away from me, towards the house. We’re chasing each other, playing together.  He disappears upstairs and I chase after him, his laughter telling me where he’s gone. Pushing his bedroom door open the sight that greets me chills me to the bone. Charlie is standing in front of me, frozen with fear. Holding him still with a hand at his throat and a gun against his head is - Daniel.

 

This isn’t right. I know it’s not right, but it’s so real. I can’t quite remember what really happened, I just know this is so wrong.

 

“Put the gun down Daniel.”

 

“No.” his voice is ragged, as if he’s fighting back tears. His face looks like it did when he was waving a gun at me in that storeroom all those years ago, a mixture of hatred and anguish. “You…killed her. You took Sha’re from me.”

 

I know this isn’t right. I didn’t kill Sha’re. Teal’c did.  “It wasn’t me Daniel. Put down the gun. We’ll talk.”

 

His grip on Charlie tightens. Charlie whimpers and looks at me with panic stricken eyes. Daniel is struggling with something. His knuckles whiten as his fingers tighten round the trigger. When he speaks, his voice is dead, flat. “All’s fair in love and war, Jack.”

 

He pulls the trigger.

 

“No! Don’t! Charlie!”  I close my eyes to try and blot out what I know I’m going to see, the sight that haunts my deepest darkest nightmares. But when I dare to look it is not Charlie lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, but Daniel. Charlie is not there. At first I am confused, but then I remember, Charlie is gone. Charlie died before I ever knew Daniel.

 

The room is spinning…I’m back, staring at the Goa’uld in front of me. My face is wet. Why is my face wet?  As some of the liquid runs onto my lips I taste it, and realise that it’s salty. I must be crying.

 

I look past the woman in front of me at Daniel. He is laying with his eyes open, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling above him, a bizarre parody of the nightmare I’ve just had to endure.

 

Breathe Daniel. Please breathe. If I can just hear you breathing I’ll know you’re still alive.  He’s too pale, too still. Please breathe. As I watch him, I see a tear tracking down his cheek. The dead don’t cry, do they?

 

Bastet moves back to Daniel on the table. She looks down at him impassively. She then looks up at me like the worst kind of cat – disdainful, aloof. I feel cold deep inside. Something tells me the cat has just got bored with the mouse.

 

“So Tau’ri. Not lovers. But for you, he is the substitute for your son.” She sighs and summons the third Jaffa over to her. Reaching into the box, she produces a knife. It is a cruel knife, shaped exactly like a cat’s claw. “You may now watch your son die again.” She presses a button on the remote control thing, and suddenly, it’s not Daniel on the table, but Charlie.

 

He looks at me, terror all over his features. “Dad. Dad! Help me!” I look at him, completely helpless, my heart constricting so much it hurts.

 

“Jack!” Daniel’s voice cuts through my pain. I can see him again. But Bastet is stood over him, the knife at his throat, poised to rip him apart. Daniel is awake now, and is staring around him wildly, confusion and fear on his face in equal measures.

 

Bastet suddenly slashes the knife across his chest. It is a surface wound, not meant to kill. I have no doubt that this cat woman could kill with a single blow if she wanted to. She wants us both to suffer.

This will be slow, and agonising.

 

As Bastet raises the knife a second time, a distant sound distracts her. She looks at the Jaffa nearest the door, and barks a command that I don’t stand a hope in hell of understanding. He disappears out the door and reappears seconds later. He mutters in something in her ear. She flashes a look at me that is laced with so much evil and hatred my blood runs cold. She slashes the knife wildly across Daniel’s throat and torso, and then leaves the room at speed, two of the three Jaffa following behind her.

 

The door is open, and I can hear the distant sound of staff weapons being fired, and firearms. Rescue is on its way. The Jaffa by the door looks nervous and keeps swinging his staff weapon back and forth between us and the door. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do with it.

 

“Hang on Danny. They’re coming for us.” It’s the best I can do under the circumstances, tied up as I am. He seems to be drifting off into unconsciousness again. “Hang on Danny. Not long now.”

 

There’s another volley of shots and then the Jaffa by the door falls face first onto the floor, a smoking staff weapon wound on his back. Carter appears in the doorway, closely followed by Teal’c. Her eyes widen briefly at the sight of Daniel’s naked form on the table, but she doesn’t say a word. She just checks that the Jaffa is dead and the room is secure, and then whips her jacket off and covers Daniel with it.

 

Then she comes to untie me.

 

“Sorry we’re late, sir. It took us a little while to find you.”

 

“At least you’re here now, Carter.” As my hands are released the blood starts to creep back into them. At first they’re completely numb, but then the numbness turns to agony. Cramps and pins and needles all at once.

 

Released, I move to untie Daniel myself, but I can’t do it. There’s not enough blood in my fingers yet and I can’t make them work properly. Carter takes over with a sympathetic smile.

 

I content myself with checking Daniel over. He is still semi-conscious and trying to open his eyes. It might be best if he doesn’t because Ferretti has just arrived in the doorway. Although Ferretti would never say anything to anyone, I think Daniel’s dignity would take a battering at knowing that Ferretti had seen him. Best if Danny just sleeps through it all.

 

“Major, we’ve searched the entire ship – there isn’t a ring device thingy anywhere.” Ferretti says to Carter.

 

“Damn,” she mutters. “Okay, we’ll just have to take them off the way we got on. It’ll take longer though.”

 

“Everything under control here Major, sir?” Ferretti asks us, his eyes scanning round the room.

 

“Yes thank you. Can you send the medics?” Carter responds without thinking. For the moment I am happy to let her take the lead. I’m too tired and more than a little shocked by everything that has happened. 

 

 Ferretti nods and disappears.

 

“Wha..” Daniel is struggling to speak.

 

“Don’t talk Daniel. Just rest.” It’s good that he’s trying to wake up, but right now I don’t want to get into a discussion about what happened if he starts to remember things. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m not sure either of us is ready for that.

 

Two field medics arrive carrying a stretcher between them. With Carter’s help, they clean the blood up and dress the cuts on his chest and then load Daniel onto it, wrapping him in both blankets and space blankets. Why are they doing that?

 

“He’s freezing sir, and he’s in shock. We need to get him warm again.” How does Carter do that? How does she know what I’m thinking?

 

“O’Neill. We need to get you and Daniel Jackson back to the SGC.” Teal’c has his hand on my arm. My head is swimming, so I allow myself to be led out of the door and down the corridors. Dead and dying Jaffa litter the floor.

 

I am led into another room, which turns out to be a cargo ship. Teal’c sits me down in the back, next to Daniel’s stretcher.

 

“We will land on the planet and send you and Daniel Jackson home through the Stargate. It will be the quickest route.” Teal’c starts the ship up,

 

Ferretti, the rest of SG-2 and SG-3 have now boarded the ship. The doors are closed and we’re moving away.

 

I can see the planet below us through the windows up front. It’s all brown and green. Carter’s talking to the medics. Daniel. Is he okay? “He’s just sleeping, right?”

 

Carter looks at me. “Yessir. We’ll need to get you both back as soon as possible. We’ll send you and Daniel back through the Stargate with SG-2 and 3, and then Teal’c and I will return this ship to the Tok’ra before we come home.”

 

I smile at her. I am so grateful that they got here. I can’t quite make any words come out, but she nods. Carter understands.

 

I move closer to Daniel’s stretcher. He’s got his eyes closed. He looks unbelievably young, despite the stubble on his cheeks. Unable to find his hand, they’ve got him strapped so tight to the stretcher, I put my hand on his head. “S’okay Daniel. We’re going home now. We’re safe.” I’ll just close my eyes, rest them a bit…

 

*

 

What? Ferretti? Ferretti’s waking me up. I wasn’t asleep, was I? We’re landing? Already? Only closed my eyes for a few seconds… Teal’c must have flown at full speed to get here that quick…

 

What? Ferretti’s staying with Teal’c? Carter’s coming home through the Stargate with us. That figures. She couldn’t bear to not know how Daniel was for that long. I’m just amazed that Teal’c hasn’t decided to come as well.

 

Our party assembles by the Stargate and we wait for the wormhole to form. Just as the final chevron engages, there’s a massive explosion high up in the sky. Everyone, with the exception of Daniel, who appears to be fast asleep in his blanket bundle, stands and stares at it.

 

“One less mothership to worry about sir.” Carter smiles at me. Teal’c and Ferretti say their farewells and as we step through the gate, they go back to the ship, to start their long trip home.

 

*

 

We’re rushed to the infirmary into Janet’s tender care. All I can remember is being told that Daniel’s physical injuries were superficial, that he probably wouldn’t even scar. He’s just dopey from the drug cocktail Bastet gave him. The rest of it is all fuzzy and unfocused. I’m so tired, even the infirmary bed feels good….

 

Oh, I’m awake again, I think. Carter’s sitting between me and Daniel, reading a magazine. Well, she’s flicking through it. I know she’s not reading it. We all pretend to be occupied when we do the sitting by the bed vigil, but none of us ever are.

 

“Carter.”

 

“Sir. How are you feeling?” She looks up and smiles at me.

 

“Headache. Really…bad headache.”

 

“Understandable really. Janet says you and Daniel each had enough drugs in your system to keep you doped up for the next month. She’s given you some kind of antidote, but you’ve both got the equivalent of a mammoth hangover.” She gives me a sympathetic smile.

 

“How is he?”

 

There’s a too telling pause as she chews her bottom lip. “He’s okay. Been asleep most of the time, although he’s having some pretty bad nightmares.”

 

“Damnit.” That means that something of what happened filtered through to him. This is not going to be easy to get over.

 

“What happened sir?” Carter knows as well as I do that Daniel’s nightmares are a direct outcome of the hell that we’ve been in.

 

I’m not prepared to answer her. I will not betray Daniel by telling her much of what happened in that room. I owe him at least that much. “How did you find us, Carter?”

 

“When we lost radio contact with you we spent ages trying to find you, before we called in search and rescue. SG-2 and 3 helped, but it was Teal’c who worked out that you must have been taken off-world. We got lucky – the ship went across the moon and we spotted it. When we couldn’t find any ring platform anywhere on the planet, we contacted the Tok’ra and they told us that they had a ship not too far away, so we were able to borrow it.” She takes a breath and I know there’s more to come, but I am so tired, and my head is pounding and I really cannot take any more at the moment.

 

I wave my hand to stem the flow of information that I will just not be able to process, and to my relief, Carter sees it and gets the message.

 

“You don’t need to hear all the details right now sir. I’ll leave it until your debriefing.”

 

“Thank you,” I mouth at her. I close my eyes, just to shut out the harshness of the infirmary lights.

 

*

 

I can hear Teal’c talking. How did he get back here so quickly? I’m trying to open my eyes, but it’s so much nicer to keep them shut.

 

“…so O’Neill and Daniel Jackson are not yet recovered?” Teal’c’s deep voice sounds strangely soothing.

 

“They’re both pretty sleepy still. Janet says they should get more alert over the next couple of days.”

 

That’s Carter. She sounds tired. How long has she been here?

 

“Do we know what happened yet, Major Carter?”  No Teal’c, you don’t, and if I have my way you never will know all the details.

 

“No Teal’c. Until they’re fully awake we’re just going to leave them to rest.” Thank you Carter.

 

I’d better let them know that I am actually awake, well, that my mind’s awake anyway. Still can’t open my eyes. Who glued them shut?

 

“Hey kids…” That sounded pathetic.

 

“Colonel!”

 

“O’Neill. You are awake.” Way to go Teal’c, state the obvious.

 

“How are you feeling sir?” I can hear Carter but I can’t see her. I don’t need to see her to know how she looks right now. She’ll be smiling – I can hear that in her voice – but she’s frowning at the same time, because she’s concerned.

 

“My eyes are glued shut.”

 

“Sir?” Carter sounds really confused now. My mind pictures her - smile gone – just the deeper frown.

 

“I can’t open my eyes.” Why do I sound like a petulant child?

 

“I’ll get Janet…” I hear Carter walk away. From the sound of her footsteps I can work out where I am in the infirmary. I’m in the second to last bed.

 

“Teal’c…”

 

“Yes O’Neill?”

 

“Where’s Daniel?”

 

“He is in the bed next to yours O’Neill. Major Carter has informed me that he has hardly awoken since his return to the SGC.”

 

Of course Daniel’s in that bed. Janet always puts him in that bed.

 

“Teal’c – is he okay? Is he having nightmares?” There is a pause, presumably while Teal’c checks Daniel out.

 

“O’Neill, Daniel Jackson appears to be undisturbed in his sleep.”

 

Well that’s something to be thankful for. I can hear the clicking of high heels coming towards me and I know that Janet will be here shortly.

 

“Okay Colonel – Sam tells me you’re having trouble getting your eyes open.” I hear the swishing of the curtains as Doc is draws them around my bed. “Let’s have a look…” She prises my lid open with brutal fingers and shines that damned pen-light into my eye. It’s so bright it hurts.

 

“Ow!” I pull my head away from her.

 

“Well, things are responding as they should. I expect you’re still dopey from the wonderful cocktail of drugs that you’ve still got in your system.”

 

Dopey? Who’s she calling Dopey? In the slowly turning depths of my brain I’m trying to formulate some kind of witty response to this, but Doc carries on talking.

 

“We’ve managed to identify several different toxins in your blood samples, and we’ve found a number of drugs that will neutralise each one.” How long have we been back? Longer than I thought, obviously. “Unfortunately, we can only give them individually, as we’ve found that giving them in combination negates the positive effect.” Janet stops talking and sighs. What she does next worries the hell out of me. She sits down and holds my hand. “Colonel, I really need to know what happened.”

 

“No you don’t.”

 

“Yes I do.” She speaks more softly. “I won’t beat about the bush, Daniel is in a bad way. Not physically, mentally.”

 

Crap. I thought we’d be able to work this one out between the two of us, but if Janet thinks Daniel’s in a bad way… “What do you mean?”

 

“He… he’s unresponsive.” Her voice wavers slightly. I sense she’s glad my eyes won’t open, because then she doesn’t have to hide her feelings as much.

 

“I thought he was asleep most of the time.”

 

“He is, but when he’s awake…” There’s another wobble, and a deep intake of breath. “…he’s obviously deeply traumatised by whatever went on.”

 

Unresponsive. Traumatised. What the hell does that mean?  “Doc. What do you mean?”

 

“When Daniel opens his eyes, he just lies there, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t respond, but I’m fairly sure he hears us and understands what we say. He’s completely withdrawn.” She grips my hand a little tighter. “Please Jack. What did they do to you - to him?”

 

I want to tell her, to help her. I can hear the plea in her voice. I know she wouldn’t tell, but I can’t do that to Daniel. This is something very private. If I tell her I would be no better than the Goa’uld bitch that’s left him like this.

 

I shake my head, and nausea overwhelms me.

 

Janet speaks very quietly, her hand on my arm. “Please Colonel. I promise you it won’t go any further, but I just need a clue - so I know what I’m trying to treat. I really can’t help Daniel unless you give me something to work with.”

 

I can do that, can’t I? Give her a clue as to what that bitch did, without going into specifics. That’s not a complete betrayal of Daniel’s trust, is it? “Where are Carter and Teal’c?” I whisper.

 

“I sent them for a meal. They’re both exhausted. There’s no-one here but me.” Her voice is filled with relief that I’ll give her something to work with, no matter how small. She lowers her voice even further – barely above a whisper. “Colonel, we found dried semen on Daniel’s stomach. We’ve sent a sample for DNA testing, but it’ll take a while to come back. If you know anything at all, please tell me.” She takes a deep breath. “Tell me it was his, please.”

 

I realise that Janet thinks he may have been raped. “It’s his. S’okay, it wasn’t… wasn’t anything like…”

 

“Wasn’t what?” Janet is trying to rush this. I need to work out what to tell her, before I make this worse than it already is.

 

“She…”

 

“She?” The others obviously hadn’t worked out which snakehead had got us, or if they had, they didn’t think it important enough to tell Janet.

 

“Bastet. The bitch was into mind games.”

 

“I guessed as much Colonel.” Give me a break Doc! It’s a struggle to stay awake, never mind have a coherent conversation.

 

“She had one of those memory things that the Tok’ra use.”

 

“Colonel?” Janet’s voice sounds wary now. She sounds like she’s really not sure she wants to know, but she knows she has to.

 

“She-she delved deep.” I know my voice is so quiet that she’s straining to hear what I say, but she doesn’t ask me to speak up. I don’t want to risk anyone else overhearing this. This is for her ears only, and she knows it.

 

“How deep?” Janet knows that I’ve got some pretty foul history, and she knows that Daniel’s past is littered with all kinds of traumatic events that he’s buried away.

 

“Deep. She used stuff that was personal, private. She took events that should be his happiest memories and used them to-to torture him. And she forced me to watch.” Please don’t ask me anything more Doc. I really can’t tell you anything more than that.

 

There is a long silence before Janet pulls her hand away from mine. I hear her stand up. She takes a deep breath and then speaks. “Thank you Jack. It’s not much, but at least I have an indication as to why he might be so traumatised. I appreciate you telling me this.” She pats my arm and I can hear the curtains being drawn back from around the bed. In a voice loud enough for anyone to hear she adds “You should start to feel more alert over the next few hours as your system starts to expel the drugs.” She starts to walk away and then she comes back. “I’ll get the lighting turned low in here – it might help you to get your eyes open.”

 

“Thanks Doc.” Even though my eyes are shut they feel heavy. I’m getting sleepy…

 

*

 

A noise wakes me. For a moment I have no idea where I am. I open my eyes and look around me.

 

The noise happens again.

 

It’s Daniel. He’s half sat up in bed and he appears to be struggling for breath.

 

“Doc!” I yell that so hard it hurts my throat. I’m out of bed and next to Daniel before I know it. “Easy Daniel. Doc’s coming.”

 

Janet and two orderlies come running. They elbow me out of the way and start the things they normally do when someone’s in crisis.

 

I feel so helpless and superfluous, but I can’t move, can’t leave him.

 

One of the orderlies holds out the oxygen mask to Janet, but she shakes her head. Why? Why’s she doing that? She’s covering one nostril and his mouth. “It’s okay Daniel, you’re okay.” No he’s not, she’s smothering him.

 

“Breathe more slowly Daniel. That’s it…out…in…”  He’s breathing rapidly, and he’s all sweaty. He’s breathing way too fast.

 

“Doc…?” Tell me what’s happening – somebody.

 

“He’s hyperventilating. This will help.” Janet frowns and continues to hold her hand over his face. She mutters something to one of the orderlies that I can’t quite catch, but I definitely hear the words ‘panic attack’.

 

“Shouldn’t he be breathing into a paper bag?”

 

Janet smiles at me. “No Colonel, breathing through a paper bag is no longer recommended because it can quickly lead to too much carbon dioxide in your blood stream. He’ll be fine.” She turns her attentions back to Daniel, who definitely appears to be calming down now.

 

After what seems like forever, Daniel is finally breathing normally. Janet loosens the back of his gown and then eases him back down onto the pillows. As she moves the gown down to listen to his chest, I’m horrified to see that Daniel doesn’t react at all. He just lies on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with unfocused eyes.

 

I find myself staring intently at the wounds that Bastet inflicted on him. They’re not dressed and they appear to be healed. Just long red lines of scabs.

 

“How long have we been back?”

 

Janet’s got the stethoscope in her ears so she doesn’t reply. I grab one of the orderlies by the arm.

 

“How long have we been back?”

 

He looks at me. “Sir?”

 

“How long has it been since we got back here – to the SGC?” I sound desperate to my own ears – what must I sound like to anyone else?

 

“About three days sir.”

 

Three days. Sheesh, we must have slept round the clock several times over. And Daniel’s still like this?

“He’s been like this the entire time?”

 

“The little time he’s been awake, yes sir.”

 

“What about the nightmares? Carter said he was having nightmares.”

 

“The nightmares stopped after the first day, sir.” The orderly’s face says more than his words. The nightmares stopping was a very bad thing. At least when Daniel was having those there was something to show that he was still functioning in there.

 

Janet has finished her checks, and has hooked him up to some monitors. I move to the bed as she pulls the gown back up into its correct position. “Daniel, Jack’s here to see you,” she says, as if I haven’t been snoozing the last three days away in the bed next to his.

 

“Hey Daniel,” Forcing my voice to sound bright and cheerful, I pull the chair that Carter’s obviously been sitting in closer to the bed and sit down. “How you doing?”

 

Nothing. Not a flicker.

 

Janet gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Keep talking,” she mutters in my ear. “If anyone can get through to him, you can.”

 

No pressure then, Doc? An awful thought suddenly occurs to me – what if he’s gone back to how he was when we first got him back, and he can’t remember anything about who he is or where we are?

“What if he can’t remember us any more? Or if he’s brain damaged?”

 

“Just do your best Colonel,” and with that, Janet leaves the two of us alone.

 

I’m at a complete loss what to say to Daniel. He’s like a zombie. There’s absolutely nothing there – it’s like sitting next to a corpse. Admittedly this one’s warm, but he’s still as responsive as a stiff.

 

I try to put thoughts of dead bodies out of my head and reach out and grab his hand. At least that still feels like Daniel - warm, dry, slightly rough. I squeeze his fingers gently, trying to provoke some kind of response, anything.

 

He squeezes back. It’s very slight, and I’m not sure that it wasn’t my imagination – wishful thinking and all that.

 

I squeeze again, a bit harder this time.

 

He definitely grips my fingers more tightly. I lean forward. “Hey big guy. Nice to have you home.”

 

His gaze doesn’t waver from the ceiling, but the merest hint of a frown creases his forehead. Hope bubbling up in my chest, I start to chatter on about anything.

 

“You’ve been lying in that infirmary bed for three days Daniel, and quite frankly the sheets are starting to smell. Janet says you should start to…”

 

“Home?”

 

His voice is so quiet I’m not sure I heard him.  “Daniel?”

 

“Home?” He asks again, his voice scarcely above a whisper.

 

“Yes, we’re home Daniel.”

 

“Real? This isn’t… her.” His voice is still barely loud enough to hear, but he’s talking, he’s actually talking and making sense!

 

“No Danny, it’s not her. You’re here in the SGC – we’re safe.”

 

He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. “Safe,” he murmurs.

 

There’s a long pause. I’m fairly sure he’s gone to sleep. I try to pull my hand away, but he grips it tight.

 

“Jack,” he whispers.

 

“What?” I whisper back. I have no idea why we’re whispering, but he started it.

 

“Jack… pinch me.”

 

“Wha…?” I am so completely taken aback by this it takes me a moment to be able to form anything like a coherent question. “Why?” Okay, so it’s not that coherent, but it’ll do.

 

“I want to be sure I’m not dreaming.” Daniel opens his eyes and actually looks at me with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

 

I want to jump up and down and run down the corridors of the base screaming that he’s alright, but I just smile back. “You’re not dreaming – this is real.”

 

“Thought it had to be real,” he yawns.

 

“You did?”

 

He nods, eyelids drooping. “Telling someone that their sheets smell is not something that the Goa’uld would think of. It’s way too mundane for a god.” He yawns again and shuts his eyes. “Only you could come up with that one Jack. Only you.” His next yawn is an absolute jaw cracker, and very infectious.

 

I’m now yawning as well, and realise that I’m still tired. Bastet’s drug cocktail was pretty powerful if it’s still affecting us after three days. I gently extricate my fingers from Daniel’s and climb back into bed. The last thing I hear is Daniel gently snoring.

 

*

 

After a week in the infirmary we can both manage to stay awake enough of the time for Janet to let the two of us go home on the understanding that we stick together for the next four days. She also browbeats Carter and Teal’c into doing daily visits to make sure we’re okay.

 

She hands us each a sheet of paper, which details all the things we’re allowed to do and all the things we’re not allowed to do. This includes driving, operating machinery and scuba diving. For crying out loud – does anyone really think we’re going to rush off and go scuba diving? At the bottom of the page is a phone number for Dr Mackenzie marked ‘just in case’. There’s a number that won’t be dialled this side of hell freezing over.

 

Carter drives us home – well to my home – via the supermarket to collect provisions and Daniel’s apartment to collect some clothes. She helps us put away the groceries and then hovers near the door.

 

“You sure you’ll both be okay?” she asks.

 

“We’ll be fine, Carter. Really.” I try to reassure her, but she looks so tense, I’m sure she doesn’t believe me.

 

“Sam, we’re okay. Do you honestly think Janet would have let us come home if we weren’t?” Nice one Daniel. I can see that Carter’s been swayed by that argument.

 

After a few more minutes when she offers to stay to look after us three times and asks us if we’re fine a least a dozen more times, we finally get her out of the door with her promising that she’ll call us later and come check on us in the morning.

 

After she’s gone there’s an awkward moment. We stand in silence, staring at nothing in particular. I take the lead. It is my house after all. “Take out?”

 

“Sorry?” Daniel appears vague, distracted.

 

“Take out for dinner?”

 

“Okay,” he nods and then gestures to his holdall. “If it’s okay with you, I’ll go and unpack.”

 

“Sure. You know where everything is.” Of course he does. He’s spent so much time here over the years. I watch him as he disappears towards the guest room. Even from behind he looks tired, subdued. “Chinese okay?” I call after him.

 

“Whatever…”

 

We eat the take-out in silence, and then sit and watch some hockey for a while. The silence is almost oppressive, but my attempts at conversation are met with blank looks, shrugs and grunts. Daniel is not in the mood for sharing, and when Daniel doesn’t feel like doing something past experience has taught me that nothing will make him do it.

 

With five minutes of the game left, he mutters a curt ‘goodnight’ and disappears to bed.

 

After two more nights of sitting side by side on the couch, not talking about anything, just drinking beer and watching TV, I’m beginning to wonder if we will ever address this, or if Daniel will file the whole experience away like he tried to do with Hathor, never to surface again.

 

So here we are again, beer bottles in hand, watching some crappy black and white movie and not talking. Daniel shifts slightly on the couch before leaning forward and placing his empty bottle on the table.

 

“What she did to us, it fits,” Daniel mutters.

 

“What do you mean?” He actually seems to want to talk. Up until now he’s been like a pale imitation of himself, doing everything in almost total silence.

 

“Bast or Bastet – she’s the goddess of sex and fertility, amongst other things. Using that as a means of…of…” he stutters over the word.

 

“Torture, Daniel,” I supply, and then regret it as he grimaces. For crying out loud Jack, reminding Daniel that his most private, precious memories have been used as a means of torture was probably not the best thing to do.

 

He looks at me with a frown. “You know don’t you?”

 

I play dumb. “Know what?”

 

“You were there. You…” His expression changes to one of pure horror as his brain does the math. “You saw everything!”

 

“Daniel, I haven’t told anyone anything.” As if that’s what he’s worried about. 

 

“What did you see? Sarah? Hathor?” My silence is obviously the giveaway. “Sha’re?” He closes his eyes with a sickened expression on his face.

 

“Daniel…” What can I say? Yes Daniel, I saw your most intimate, private, precious memories in their entirety.  There’s a horrible silence while Daniel’s face shows me every emotion he’s going through while he’s thinking this over.

 

“So now you know,” he mutters with a wry smile on his face. His voice has a bitter edge to it.

 

“Know what?” I feel so out of the loop. Daniel can think three rings around me at the best of times, but normally I’ll get a running commentary so I can at least pretend to keep up.

 

“What my sex life was like.” He fixes me with a stare. The blue of his eyes is icy cold. “Find out anything interesting or unexpected?”

 

“Hey! That’s not fair Daniel!” I feel so insulted that he thinks that I might have been interested in his past exploits. What does he take me for? “Do you think I enjoyed watching what she did to you? Do you think that I got some kind of kick out of it? What kind of a creep do you think I am?” I am furious with him. “If you think that I was any kind of a willing participant in that…that… Well you might as well just leave here right now!”

 

He stands up. “Fine, I’ll go pack. You call me a cab.”

 

I grab his arm. Something tells me that if I let him leave right now he won’t come back, not to here and not to the SGC, and I can’t let that happen. Not after everything we’ve been through. Carter and Teal’c would both kill me for a start. “Daniel, it sickened me to my core. You’ve gotta believe that.”

 

He looks away and shakes his head. I can’t work out whether he’s disagreeing with me or remonstrating with himself. When he looks back at me there are tears in his eyes. And then he starts to talk and there’s no holding any of it back.

“Jack, all the time it was happening, I was aware. I knew what she was doing and I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything. I felt so exposed. There was nothing I could do to keep her away from my memories. Nothing. And she just kept taking more and more.” He chokes back a sob. “I was screaming in my head over and over and over – stop, please stop, and she just kept on playing with my mind.” His face is screwed up with the pain and anguish he’s feeling. “Jack, I feel so…violated.”

 

I pull him closer and wrap my arm around his shoulders. He tenses at the touch. “It must be awful for you, Danny.”

 

He appears to sag from the shoulders. I steer him to the couch and sit him down. He puts his head in his hands. “It’s worse than you think Jack,” he whispers.

 

“How can it be worse? I was there Daniel,” He cringes at this. “Daniel, I know how awful it was. I know that that bitch did one of the worst things she could have done and that things that never should have been witnessed by anyone, least of all her or me. Those things have been exposed, and I am really, really sorry about what she did to you…”

 

He lets out a small hollow laugh. In the middle of one of my best right from-the-heart speeches. Thanks Daniel. “What’s so funny? I’m spilling my guts here and you laugh!”

 

“The worst thing about all this is that I never deserved to be that happy. Not with Sarah, not with Sha’re.”

 

“What are you talking about Daniel? Of course you deserve to be happy.” He really isn’t making sense.

 

“I abandoned Sarah. I just walked out on her one night when she was asleep. I didn’t leave a note or anything. I just went. Not one of my finer moments, I’ll admit. I just wanted to protect her, save her from the humiliation of being associated with me when I staked everything I had on a theory.”

 

“Daniel, that’s hardly abandonment. You did it for the right reasons.”

 

“Maybe.” He looks at me, his lips pursed. “Maybe you can forgive what I did to Sarah, but not Sha’re. Never Sha’re.”

 

“What? Re-opening the Abydonian gate? Daniel, what happened wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Wasn’t it? I actually saw it as justice. My punishment.”

 

What is he talking about? “Punishment? For what Daniel?”

 

“For not realising just how lucky I was.” He closes his eyes and swallows hard before he continues. “I never knew how much I really loved her Jack. Not until it was too late. It was only after she died that I realised that she was my soul mate, my raison d’etre and then it was too late.”

 

“But you stayed with her on Abydos…” I am finding it hard to understand what he’s telling me.

 

“It was the lesser of two evils. I had nothing to come back to Earth for. At least there…”  He turns away from me so I can’t see his face. “On Abydos I felt valued, wanted. I could see how much she wanted me and I used her.” His voice is so quiet that I struggle to hear him.

 

“You never used her - you loved her Daniel.”

 

“Yes I did, I used her because although I loved her, I never loved her as much as she loved me. Not when it mattered, when she was still there. I knew how she felt about me and I used her to make me feel better about myself. It took the knowledge that I would never see her again to make me truly aware just how much I did love her.”  He scrubs at his face – I think he’s crying. “The worst thing is that she knew.”

 

“Knew what?”

 

“She knew that I would never love her as much as she loved me. She knew that after a while I felt trapped and she encouraged me to re-open the gate so I’d be free again.”

 

“Daniel…”

 

He turns back to face me, but he doesn’t meet my eyes. “Jack. It is entirely my fault what happened to her – if I had only realised what she meant to me, if I could have only shown her half the love that she showed me, then she would never have suggested re-opening the gate. I could have ignored her. I was happy digging up half the Abydonian desert…” He chokes on his words.  “What Bastet did - it’s just brought it all back to me. What a failure I am.”

 

“Daniel, you’re no failure. No-one could ever call you a failure.”

 

“When it comes to relationships I am. I haven’t had a single relationship of any kind that has actually lasted, Jack, that hasn’t ended in tragedy.” Daniel’s sinking slowly into self-pity.

 

“Yes you have.” I cannot believe that he is saying this. He must realise who he’s saying this to, mustn’t he?

 

“Name one!” He’s angry and confident with his challenge.

 

“Here’s three for ya – Carter, Teal’c and me!” That’s shut him up. He looks completely taken aback. “Look Daniel, we’re your friends, your family. We’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens.”

 

“Shit Jack, I’m, I’m sorry. It never occurred to me, I…” he grimaces.

 

I hold my hand up. “S’okay Danny. I understand.”

 

“You do?” The stunned mullet expression has returned.

 

“When you’ve had to endure what we did at the hands of that Goa’uld bitch, it’s not surprising you’re finding it hard to see the positive side of anything.”

 

“I guess so,” he doesn’t look convinced.

 

“Daniel, you have to ignore what she did to you. Just concentrate on the good times, the special moments. And don’t ever forget that you won’t have to get through this alone. I’ll be there, and Carter and Teal’c too.”

 

He nods, staring at his hands. “I guess it’s going to take time to get through this one.” He glances back in my direction. “What about you, Jack?”

 

“What do you mean, what about me?”

 

“Are you okay? I mean,” he licks his lips nervously. “It wasn’t just my mind that Bastet was playing with.”

 

Ah. He means the games that Bastet was playing with my memories of Charlie. Funny really, I haven’t really given them a second thought. I suppose that because I was more alert at the time I knew they weren’t real. I’ve hardly been bothered. I say as much to Daniel.

 

He nods. “That’s good. I’m glad that you’re not… that you’re okay.”

 

“Yes Daniel, I’m okay.”

 

*

 

It’s a couple of weeks later, and everything appears to be back to normal. We’ve been doing light duties up to now, but we had to undergo one of Doc Frasier’s super-thorough medicals yesterday including one of those wonderful ‘are you nuts?’ question and answer sessions with Mackenzie. Luckily for both of us we were given the all-clear to return to full active duty. Just as well really, light duties for me means paperwork and the only thing I hate more than paperwork is the Goa’uld.

 

Hammond has come up with a mission for us, so Daniel and Carter spent this afternoon boring me, Teal’c and the General stupid with all the oh-so-exciting things that we’re going to find on this planet. They both reckon that there’s evidence of old naquadah mining operations, so we might strike lucky with this one and come home with something more than terminal boredom.

 

We leave first thing tomorrow morning, so we indulged in what has now become something of a team ritual – the pre-mission team dinner. Nothing heavy, just a nice home-cooked meal and a couple of beers. It was more subdued than usual this evening – it always is when the last mission went bad. Carter drove Teal’c back to the base about half an hour ago, and if I know her, she’s managed to find some excuse to drop by her lab. As long as she doesn’t work through the night - I don’t want a tired 2IC watching our six.

 

Daniel is finishing off his coffee before he heads home. He seems to be lingering, as if he wants to talk. Okay, I’ll talk if that’s what he wants.

 

“Fancy something stronger with that?” I ask him, indicating his coffee.

 

He shakes his head. “Better not, I’ve got to drive home.”

 

“You might as well stop over anyway,” I reply. “You’d only be late tomorrow if you don’t.”

 

Daniel winces. “I do have an alarm clock you know.”

 

“Yes, it’s called Jack O’Neill.”

 

He looks at me sheepishly. Nearly every early start we’ve had since his return I’ve had to phone him up because he’s switched his alarm clock off and gone straight back to sleep.

 

“Ouch.” He grins at me. “Okay Jack, you win.”

 

I pour two large whiskeys and we sit and sip them in silence for a while. I wait for ages for him to tell me what’s on his mind, but he’s obviously waiting for me to indicate that I’m ready to listen.

 

“Penny for them Daniel.”

 

“What?”

 

“There’s something on your mind. Feel like sharing?”

 

“Who told you that?” Daniel looks like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

 

“Not who, Daniel – what. Since Carter and Teal’c left you’ve opened your mouth to speak eight, maybe nine times and then stopped every time. You obviously want to tell me something, so go ahead – tell me.”

 

He shakes his head with a wry smile. “I can’t slip anything past that special ops training, can I, Jack?”

 

“Nope.”

 

There’s a long pause while he gathers his thoughts. Then he looks at me with those piercing blue eyes and his next words break my heart. Smash it to little pieces.

 

“I thought I was over her, Jack. I thought I could finally put what happened to Sha’re behind me and move on.” He looks away, and a lone tear tracks down his cheek.

 

“Daniel, I…”

 

He shrugs. “It’s okay Jack. I’ll live with this. It’s nothing I haven’t lived with before. I just…” He shakes his head. “After I ascended and came back I actually felt better. I really felt that the past was behind me and all the feelings that were holding me back, stopping me moving on had finally mellowed. Now,” he gives a hollow laugh, “Now I just feel the way I did before I ascended.”

 

“What does that mean?” I’m really not sure how happy Daniel actually was before he left. For a start, he chose to leave.

 

He gives me a thin smile. “Don’t worry Jack. I’m not going to flake out on you, any more than I did before. It’s all under control. I just won’t be dating anyone any time soon.” He shakes his head and his voice takes on a bitter edge. “But all’s fair in love and war, isn’t it? They can just use whatever they like to get the upper hand. All’s fair…”

 

I cannot answer him. I don’t trust myself to speak. But you are so wrong Daniel. All is not fair in love and war, and I’m gonna do my damnedest to make sure that this can never happen again – not to me, not to Daniel – not to anyone. That Goa’uld bitch is gonna pay, you can be sure of that Danny.

 

That’s a promise.

 

 Loved it? Hated it? Let me know either way.

 Athene