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Submitted by: SpindleBoyJak
Email address: Spindleboy_jak@yahoo.com
Subject: When I Grow Up. A Pome.

Read this as a child, and a love it. So there. When I grow up I want to be
Manager of a cemetry
'Cos it'll be a dead easy job hee hee hee,
Or P'raps I'll be a boss of a menagerie,
And feed my mum to the python for tea,
'Cos my rotten mum doesn't like me.
She says I shouldn't eat with my mouth open,
But I dunno how I'm supposed to eat with my mouth shut.
She says I should go and live by myself in a hut.
When I grow up, you just see,
I'll live on my own,
With nobody to moan
And nag at me. When I grow up I would like to be
THe guest star on the Muppet Show on TV
But p'raps they wouldn't have me
'Cos I'm so repulsive and greasy
And I might make viewers feel sick and queasy. When I grow up I want to be
A famous pop star,
So smashing girls will fancy me,
Especially one that looks like Olivia Newton John
With long blond hair.
It's not fair,
'Cos the only girl who'll talk to me,
Looks more like ELton John,
And weighs half a ton
The other girls all fancy someone like Clint Eastwood
Who's lean and tall
And I'm three feet wide and three feet tall
With the general appearance of a rubber ball. I wish I didn't have such a big fat snitch
And eyeballs that twitch,
I wish I didn't have such a pea sized brain
And feet that smell like a drain,
I wish I didn't have spots all over my face
And exploding pimples in my unmentionable place.
When I grow up there's all sorts of things I want to be,
But most of all,
I don't want to be me. (Tribute to Leo Baxendale, very influential on my sense of humour.)