Another
audience with
Lord Geoffrey Rapture BA (hons)
...Where was I? Oh yes, Old Corkhill. A lovely chap, very level-headed and kind to animals. He rarely hurt anyone, except for the time he bludgeoned those orphans to death with a broken scythe. He thought they were looking at him oddly, if I recall. The police weren't very happy, especially as it transpired the orphans were blind. Corkhill was looking at life imprisonment, but they discovered during his trial that he had more money than the judge so he was let off. Good thing too - I would never have fought off the Invaders from Dimension Omega without his help.
They were a rough lot, those Dimension Omega buggers. I first encountered them in Putney when I accidently sharpened a knife too much and it cut through the very fabric of reality. They wasted no time in gathering their unearthly weapons and pouring troops through the gash. I got Mrs. Malter next door to sew it up for me, but by that time several battalions of Dimension Omega soldiers had taken control of the town. A shame really - they cancelled the flower show.
The worst thing about the Dim-O's, as we called them, was their ghastly appearance. They had twelve heads, each more horrifying than the last. Their leader had fourteen heads... well, fifteen really, but one looked like Michael J. Fox so it didn't count. The townspeople held me responsible for the invasion, needless to say, so it fell to me and Corkhill to sort them out.
Corkhill's first plan was to shoot them all repeatedly in the chest until they stopped moving, then shoot them some more. I always felt that the plan would have worked, if only we had a gun. Instead, we ran up to the Dim-O's and pointed our fingers at them whilst shouting "BANG!" very loudly. They wasted no time in stunning us with their electric sporrans, and we awoke a few hours later in front of their leader.
One of the leader's heads spoke English, which was handy. He demanded that I tell him where he could buy cheap shoes on a Sunday. I tried telling him that shoe shops were closed that day, but he wouldn't believe me. I asked him why they had invaded Earth, and he explained that due to the bizarre laws of physics controlling Dimension Omega it was impossible to buy cheap shoes there. I asked if they had come to our dimension to find cheap shoes, but Corkhill had somehow managed to find a gun and shoot them all in the chest by this time. It was probably for the best.
Shortly after the Dim-O business Corkhill left for the jungle to fulfill his life-long dream of catching malaria. I decided to open a shop selling broken promises, as there were none in the area and it seemed like a gap in the market. Business was good for the first week, but then my wholesaler went bust and I was left without any stock. The bailiffs soon burnt the place down, I can tell you.
I was strapped for cash in the weeks that followed. Things got so bad that I couldn't afford to speak, and I had to write notes to everyone as a cheap alternative. Fortunately, I found forty-eight million pounds in the street one day so everything turned out for the best.
The next few years were a blur. Hang on - no they weren't, they were equal periods of time equivalent to the orbit of the Earth around the Sun. Or is that a spoon? I can never remember. No, spoons are those animals with the funny noses... or is that Zimbabwe? Perhaps... was it... metal teeth... no, definitely wooden, but... I... can't...seem to...
...Where was I? Oh yes, Old Corkhill. A lovely chap...
All text copyright and intellectual property of Stuart Ashen