Marx of Death - "I've had a lovely afterlife. Pity this wasn't it."
Have you ever wondered where that loudmouth idiot who sits next to you at work goes to get his ridiculous ideas about the plot of the next Star Wars film? Look no further...
The Dancing Yak Disinformation Project Presents
Movie Lies
The best online resource for completely untrue movie gossip
Visionary director Tim Burton is working on a
new movie based on a story he created as a child. Marx of
Death is a strange, gothic tale of judgement and the
afterlife. After a small crippled boy makes a wish on his
deathbed, the ghost of Groucho Marx gains the ability to
over-rule death itself. After Groucho spares the lives of the boy
and some hitch-hikers struck by lightning, the angel of death
Azrael decides to do away with the comedian's spirit and restore
the natural balance of life and death...
Filmed entirely in black and white, the movie promises to be
Burton's finest outing yet. Johnny Depp is set to play Groucho,
and he will be supported by Robert De Niro as Azrael and Sarah
Jessica Parker as a smalltown priest. Burton's girlfriend Lisa
Marie is likely to appear in a silent role as God.
Marx of Death - "I've had a lovely
afterlife. Pity this wasn't it."
A bootleg copy of the infamous Carry On Jedi
was offered by online auction house Ebay before being removed by
the site's administrators. Banned before it's theatrical release
due to legal action from Star Wars creator George Lucas, it was
previously thought that all copies had been destroyed.
Released shortly after The Empire Strikes Back, it features the
standard cast of Carry On actors sending up Lucas' lucrative
sci-fi franchise. The advertising blurb read: "Galactic
emperor Darth Knickers (Kenneth Williams) and his aide Admiral
Hairy (Bernard Bresslaw) have kidnapped the rebellious princess
Leia Medown (Barbara Windsor). Only the intrepid Jedi Knight Luke
Boobpuller (Sid James) and his effeminate robot C-1-PP (Charles
Haughtrey) can save her from the deadly Death-Bra device..."
The movie reputedly featured the usual non-stop barrage of
innuendo and puns. Sid James' Jedi powers consisted solely of the
ability to make Barbara Windsor's top fly off, and Darth
Knicker's heavy breathing was used to full comic effect.
Carry On Jedi - Barbara Windsor is naked
for some reason
Rubber-faced funnyman Jim Carrey is starring
in a hard-hitting new thriller due for release next Spring. In an
attempt to break away from comedy roles, he is playing the title
character in Brendon Stockbeen's controversial Ripperleak.
The movie follows the antics of Ripperleak Malensky, a man raised
by communist Russia to be the perfect psychopath. Flown over to
America and let loose in order to wreak havoc with the country's
morale, he embarks on a mind-numbingly horrifying rampage of
perverse murder and wanton mutilation.
Written and directed by Stockbeen, the film has already received
criticism for it's graphic display of pointless depravity.
Religious groups in particular have been concerned over the
opening scene, which sees Carrey's Ripperleak character biting
the entrails out of a group of teenage nuns before urinating on
their still-twitching corpses.
Stockbeen has been quick to react to his critics. "Violence
is everywhere, you can't hide from it or pretend it doesn't
happen," he told us. "I mean, just the other day I
stubbed my toe. It really hurt."
Ripperleak - Jim Carrey holds the brain
and spinal column of a victim aloft
One of Lucasfilm's most lucrative franchises is due to receive a boost with the release of the Baby Indiana Jones Chronicles. The movie, already in pre-production, charts the journey of a toddler Indy as he attempts to retrieve a sacred crib from the clutches of a group of greedy desperadoes. The baby will be created using state-of-the-art computer graphics, with the voice provided by Harrison Ford. Little is known about the real-life members of the cast, but it is thought that Sean Connery will reprise his role as Indy's father. Director Steven Speilberg is reputedly keen to cast Harvey Keitel as the leader of the crib-stealing gang, but no contracts have been signed as yet.
Baby Indiana Jones Chronicles - Toddler
Indy created by computer