Job Centre
As the big companies continue their jolly
passtime of 'corporate downsizing' by making every other person
working for them redundant, the number of jobhunters is on the
increase.
Here's a set of jobs that, whilst integral to modern society, are
often overlooked by conventional recruitment agencies.
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
OAP Driver To drive everywhere at 25mph in an old Ford Fiesta Applicants must be over 65 Free tartan blanket and peaked cap Constant accidents due to oblivious nature Full state pension |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Contract Killer Murdering designated people for money No qualms about shooting
people in the back Very high rate of pay, growth market Police tend to take a dim view of such actions Dependent on target |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Bollard Standing by the side of the road in a
striped white Ability to stand for long periods without fainting Stress free Wait until it snows £3.65 per hour |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Sith Lord Taking control of the galaxy for evil Strong affinity with the Dark Side of the Force Cool black clothing and lightsaber provided Wimps like Luke Skywalker will kick your arse As yet unconfirmed - no dental plan available |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Office Freak Being slightly reviled by colleagues A slight physical or social
impairment, e.g. limp or Will afford you
individuality in a rigidly controlled Never being accepted by other people Same as everyone else, but
people assume you |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Tramp Yelling nonsense in the street whilst
stumbling Tattooed forehead, strong liking for cheap cider No need to worry about job security Your life expectancy will be measured in months Negligible |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Scapegoat Taking blame for the mistakes of others Ability to apologise and manufacture excuses Many vacancies available No promotion prospects,
chinless half-wits will abuse Generally about £15,000pa |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Henchman Providing security for evil supervillains Fanatical loyalty, physical
agility, terrible Free uniform, food, board,
training with a diverse You will inevitably be killed by James Bond Entirely dependent on employer's mood |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Carnival Geek Biting the heads off chickens for the
amusement of Strong stomach, strong teeth, good biting action Easy to learn Unlikely to earn you friends within the RSPCA All the toffee apples you can eat |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Pokemon Fighting other pokemon under a 10-year-old's Bizarre appearance, physical
or psychic combat Every child in the world will know your name You will be trapped in a tiny "pokeball" between fights 5% of royalties from the sale of collectable cards |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Nutter Sitting next to people on buses and
talking crap whilst No sense of self-conciousness whatsoever Amusement of watching people
squirm as you speak Even your mother will despise you Dependent on previous
convictions and psychological |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Relocational Gremlin Hiding people's keys, remote control,
wallet etc when Extreme stealth or invisibility Watching people lose their temper as they search The knowledge that you are truly evil £13,500pa +10% cash bonus for each divorce caused |
| Job title: Task: Requirements: Benefits: Problems: Salary: |
Loudmouthed Maniac Appearing on the Jerry Springer Show Ludicrous personal problems,
violent disposition, You'll be famous for 15 minutes Everyone will know what a twisted failure your life is US $5,000 per show |