Horoscopes

Aries, the Ram
(21 March - 20 April)
Your stars have a freshness and zing about them, as if they have just received the gift of boundless energy from the Gods themselves. It's a pity they can't transfer some of it to you, as your inert body heaves in front of the television. You won't even take the dog for a walk for Christ's sake. You are a lazy, useless slob and you make the stars sick.
Things to avoid this week: Bald men

Taurus, the Bull
(21 April - 21 May)
This week you will be constantly thwarted by unforeseen events, which will make you yearn for a better method of predicting the future than this vague crap we laughingly call astrology.
Things to avoid this week: The Jerry Springer Show

Sprekjammer, the Vole
(22 May - 21 June)
You are about to be set on fire by a schizophrenic arsonist. Don't feel put out; you won't be.
Things to avoid this week: Defective radiation shielding

Cancer, the Malignant Genetic Disorder
(22 June - 23 July)
Venus is rising past you, and the stars are pulsating with an intensity that makes your eyes feel like they're burning and your skull feel like it's got termites burrowing through it. Perhaps you shouldn't have taken that LSD.
Things to avoid this week: Asbestos and quoits

Leo, the Lion
(24 July - 23 August)
They say the path of true love never runs smoothly, and this is particularly true in your case. Take a good look at your lover and decide if you really want to forcibly insert more sharp metal objects into their chest cavity. If not, you'd better call an ambulance.
Things to avoid this week: AOL CD's

Virgo, the Virgin
(24 August - 23 September)
Try to cram in as much as you can early on in the week because, by the end of it, you'll turn into a stoat.
Things to avoid this week: Photons

Libra, the Scales
(24 September - 23 October)
The temperance and balance of Libra should be observed this week. You should try to take everything in moderation. Unless you discover a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat offer, in which case you should stuff yourself in an attempt to feel that you're getting your money's worth.
Things to avoid this week: The Mull of Kintyre

Richard, the Accountant
(24 October - 22 November)
Lady Fortune smiles down on you as you discover a chest of hidden treasure buried in your garden. No, not there - left a bit. No, no, back to the right. Be careful with that spade - too late, you've ruptured the water pipe.
Things to avoid this week: Quake deathmatches

Sagittarius, the Archer
(23 November - 21 December)
Your natural optimism will take a blow when you finally realise that everything slowly gets worse over time and there is no hope for improvement.
Things to avoid this week: Anything that should rightly be extinct

Prince, the Neighbour's Dog
(22 December - 20 January)
Your future is so ludicrous and embarrasing that the stars are too busy pointing at you and giggling to give me any details.
Things to avoid this week: Odds and ends

Aquarius, the Water Carrier
(21 January - 19 February)
You'll get carried away by the magic of a special moment. Remember - to get back you need to click the heels of the ruby slippers together three times and say "There's no place like home".
Things to avoid this week: "404: Page Not Found" errors

Sephiroth, the Obscure Reference
(20 February - 20 March)
Your humourous answering machine message will bring misery and despair to all those who hear it. Erase it now before it's too late.
Things to avoid this week: Cockney rhyming slang

All text copyright and intellectual property of Stuart Ashen

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