The retro-a-go-go
A-Z of Nostalgic Tat
Presented by Dr. Ashen, who remembers that
things weren't better back then despite what his sister says
A is for Automan
This was a weird one. An American TV series about some computer
programmer who somehow managed to create a sentient, physically
real, computer-created entity called Automan. Automan would
appear out of the computer and fight crime, as was obligatory for
any character in an 80's TV series. His head was completely
normal, but his body was a mass of early computer graphics and
sparkly effects. His sidekick, cursor, could appear and create
his glowing car which went round corners instantly at ninety
degrees. Nothing else interesting ever happened, as far as I can
remember.
The worst thing about the show were the abysmal computer
referencing jokes, such as "Pacman is a good friend of mine!"
Ha ha ha.
B is for Breakfast
Serials
Aaaarggghhhh! This is one of my favourite TV programmes of all
time, and nobody remembers it except me. It appeared in an early
morning Saturday morning slot before the Wide Awake Club. And it
was great.
The show was a mass of different stories, a short piece of which
was shown every week (the 'serials' in the title). There would be
4 minutes of the sci-fi story, then 4 minutes of the comedy
story, then a one-off spoof of another TV programme, then 4
minutes of the serious drama story etc. All the stories were
performed by the same actors.
The show started and finished with bizarre conversations between
3 puppets in a kitchen - a teapot, a tomato and something else I
can't remember. They would chat to each other at the start, then
mime a pop song at the end. Strangest of all, though, was the
final 'serial' offering of the show, which was always "The
fresh fruit dance" or "Catch the parrot". The
fresh fruit dance consisted of all the actors dancing about
whilst holding pieces of fruit, while in Catch the parrot a
single actor would jump up and try to catch an inflatable parrot
that was always at least a foot out of reach. Pure gold.
I really wish somebody else had seen this programme, as it sounds
more and more like a drug-induced hallucination each time I
describe it.
C is for Caramel
The television advertisement for Cadbury's Caramel is classic
material. The sexy cartoon bunny would scold the industrious mole
for working too hard, then offer him some caramel which, because
of the way it melts or something, would enable him to relax.
Ahhhh.
It was remarkably successful in the sense that everyone
remembered it, and I seem to remember it being shown for bloody
ages. Oddly, after it disappeared from the screen it resurfaced a
few years later - with the bunny's voice dubbed with a fake-sounding
Norfolk accent. It was probably supposed to add rural charm, but
it just made the whole thing irritating.
D is for Doctor
Who
EX-TERMINATE! EX-TERMINATE! Oh yes.
This very British time-travelling drama may have had
cardboard sets, foam rubber monsters and - ack! - Bonnie
Langford, but it was imaginative and created many well-known sci-fi
images. And the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space,
acronym fans) is possibly the finest mode of transport ever
conceived.
Doctor Who's real strength was its ability to scare kids with
faceless robotic monsters. Both the Daleks and the Cybermen
caused little ones up and down the country to hide behind the
sofa and get a subsequent slap from Mum for messing about with
the furniture. I am proud to say that I was never even slightly
scared by either. Although I was terrified by the man in the
fencing mask, who was supposed to be a robot that detected and
killed anything that moved so you had to stand really still when
it was about. Brrrrr.
E is for E.T.,
the Extra-Terrestrial
An early-80's film concerning a cute, giraffe-necked alien and
his almost-as-cute human friend. It played on the audiences
emotions by nearly killing him halfway through then making him
leave at the end. Which was sad. I'm hoping for a sequel where he
comes back with a fleet of warships and conquers the Earth. I
mean, come on! Why else was he left here, if not to spy on our
defence capabilities?
The film spawned a lot of merchandise, including a game for the
old Atari VCS games system. The game was so bad that it sold
hardly any copies and Atari had to bury thousands upon thousands
of cartridges in the Nevada desert. Back in the good old days,
you see, you couldn't sell a game on hype alone. And you could
try them out before you bought them. And they were a lot cheaper.
And the Sun shone every day.
The E.T. character has made a bit of a comeback recently -
appearing in advertisements for British Telecom ("Phooone
hooome") and making a cameo appearance in the new Star Wars
film. Yes, really - there's a group of them in the Galactic
Senate scene. Which is probably funny, or something.
F is for Frog,
Kermit the
Poor Kermit. Despite supposedly being the main man in Muppet
town, he is clearly just a nerdy foil for the antics of Miss
Piggy. He is doomed to live in her hulking, porcine shadow
forever. And what on Earth is that thing around his neck, anyway?
Not Kermit.
G is
for Garfield
Jim Davis' stunningly successful cartoon strip about an obese
feline and his hapless owner. The slightly cynical humour is of a
consistent quality throughout the strips, mostly because they
consist of the same joke repeated in different circumstances.
Garfield is has now been buried under the weight of the far
superior Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side.
H is for Headroom,
Max
Yes - Max Headroom! Another eighties craze that came out of
nowhere, lasted for 0.5 of a nanosecond, then vanished into
obscurity. Mr. Headroom was supposed to be a computer-generated
TV host of the near future. He stuttered a lot. I think there was
a film at some stage, although what it's about is anyone's guess.
There was also a TV series, which is being repeated on the Sci-fi
Channel. I watched an episode in order to better understand this
lost phenomenon, but it didn't help. Max Headroom was only in it
for about 12 seconds, and the rest of the time was spent
following some cameraman bloke who was clearly Headroom without
the latex haircut. Ho hum.
Max Headroom remains one of the few television presenters to have
an obvious and debilitating speech defect, which raises the
question: Why was he given the job in the first place?
I is for Izzy-wizzy-let's-get-busy
The catchphrase of Sooty, the cute English handpuppet of a yellow
teddy bear. Except he never actually says it, as he's mute. The
phrase is a precursor to Sooty waving his magic wand, and Mr.
Corbett the puppeeter getting some water squirted in his face.
Sooty was accompianed by Sweep, a little grey dog who could only
squeak, and Soo (Sue?), a lady panda who could actually talk and
everything.
By far the best thing about Sooty is that he now has a son, which
is clearly a cross between him and Soo. Why didn't Mr. Corbett
make them use protection? Perhaps his left hand doesn't know what
his right hand is doing...
J is for Jet
Set Willy
A fondly remembered computer game for the ZX Spectrum. It
featured the platform-based antics of Miner Willy (of Manic Miner
fame), who had to collect objects from his mansion before his
landlady Maria would allow him to go to bed. For some reason his
house was infested with evil creatures that killed him at a touch.
This, unsurprisingly, made the task considerably harder.
The game was wonderfully surreal and featured rooms with titles
such as 'Macaroni Ted' and 'We must perform a quirkafleeg', all
without any explanation. There followed a sequel with extra rooms
and a spaceship and alien planet to visit. A truly wonderful game
from the days when 16 colours were impressive and you could get
away with titles like 'Jet Set Willy'.
By the way, does anyone know how to get to 'The Forgotten Isle'
without cheating?
K is for Krankies
Good Lord. It was bad enough that Ian Krankie convinced his wife
Jeanette to dress up and act like a schoolboy, but to parade her
in front of millions of children and call it entertainment...?
I'm being unfair, of course. The naughty schoolboy antics of
"Jimmy" Krankie kept kids amused for years, and very
few ever realised 'he' was a she until they were old enough to
watch The Crying Game and get a real gender shock. Their
countless different TV shows must have been popular or they
wouldn't have had so many. And they invented the phrase "Fan-dabi-dozy!"
which can only be a good thing.
So leave the Krankies alone. They were easily avoided and they're
gone now anyway. However, don't ever try and explain them to
anyone who isn't British, as they will run a mile.
L is for Logarithm
It's a well-known fact that a lot of the stuff you learn at
school is useless, but logarithms are a step too far. They are
utterly without any serious application and nobody
understands them anyway. Lessons on How to Chat Up Girls and
How to Order in an Indian Restaurant would have served me far
better than that crap.
M is for Mac
and Me
Horrible rip-off of E.T. A truly awful film, which genuinely has
nothing going for it at all. And to cap it all, the hideous,
emaciated-yet-bloated alien Mac of the title lives on a diet of
obviously-branded McDonalds food. Mac - as in Big Mac. Do you
see? The closest thing yet to an infomercial movie.
N is for Novelty
pencil erasers
The shop at the end of my road used to have an extraordinary
selection of novelty erasers. There were ones shaped like fruit
which - Blimey! - were scented, and came in boxes. There was a
little ghetto blaster which came in a plastic case. And best of
all, a strange red hot-dog sausage on a piece of string. They
were all clearly designed as ornaments, because attempting to rub
out any pencil marks with them would inevitably leave a coloured
smear across the page.
Sadly, merchandising seems to have killed off the traditional
novelty eraser. Now you can only seem to find crappy, oblong
blocks with "Power Rangers" printed on them. Shame.
Novelty erasers were enjoyed by all children, except that weird
kid with the unkempt hair who sat at the back of the art class
and had a 'putty rubber'.
O is for One
hit wonders
How many different 'musicians' have
appeared, had a single hit, then disappeared? And more to the
point, how many can you list?
Hmmm... Angry Anderson, Timmy Mallett, Black Lace, Joshua Kadison
(or however you spell it), Anita Dobson, Morris Minor and the
Majors, Billy Ray Cyrus, the Bluebells, Doop, Whigfield, Letitia
Dean... Argh, I'm remembering too many bad songs to continue.
Special mention must be made of long forgotten pretty-boy Chesney
Hawkes, who had the foresight to call his song 'the one and only'.
Bless.
P is for Pacman
Ah, the computer game that everyone has heard of. Pacman was a
wedge-shaped drug addict who was forced to run around mazes
eating pills to feed his habit. He was chased by ghosts, possibly
induced by a bad trip. Fruit was occasionally consumed to keep
his blood sugar levels up.
Looking back, this may not have been a good example to set to
kids at the time. Goodo.
Q is for Quatro
A fizzy drink which came in a white can
with a Q logo. It was a supposedly a blend of four different
fruits, hence the name. I seem to remember that it was extremely
nice, but other reports imply that it was disgusting cack. As it
went off the market about a decade ago, we will never know.
R is for Roland
Rat
Just as the Fox Network was saved by the
Simpsons, TV-AM was saved by Roland Rat.
Roland was a crappy puppet with an undefinable accent that was
far too easily copied by children. He was billed as a 'superstar'
and, sadly, quickly became one. The country was flooded with Rat
soft toys and pencil cases in the blinking of an eye. "Yeeeeeeeaaah,
Ratfans!"
He had several equally poor hangers-on who were supposed to be
gerbils and other rodents, but they were all just extended sock
puppets. Damn them, they were terrible. Fortunately, he
disappeared as quickly as he came, and TV-AM followed shortly
after.
S is for Stig
of the Dump
A book which nearly all schools force
children to read at some point. It's about a boy who discovers a
caveman-like child called Stig living in a dump.
That's all I can remember. Sorry folks, but it just couldn't
compete with Star Wars for my attention. Now we know why America
rules the entertainment industry. Stig may have had 'charm' but
Star Wars had 'explosions', and we all know what kids like best.
T is for Tales
of the Unexpected
All right, I know this is mentioned in the
other A-Z piece, but it's a classic. British TV was never
quirkier than when serving half-cocked, low budget nonsense like
Tales of the Unexpected. All the British actors of the time would
appear in these half-hour twist in the tale stories, which either
had an obvious end that you worked out within the first ten
minutes or a ludicrous twist that made no sense. Nobody really
remembers the episodes ("Didn't they turn into bees or
something? And that one where Joan Collins gets her head cut off.")
but the show lives on in the memory because of the fantastic
title sequence. It featured skulls, tarot cards, a spinning
revolver, flames shooting up over the silhouette of a naked
dancing woman and - of course - THAT theme tune. Which,
splendidly, is available for download here. It had a surreal,
supernatural and slightly unsettling atmosphere to it which was
sadly lacking in the show itself.
Recent repeats of the programme on the Sci-fi channel have
confirmed that (a) some of the episodes were introduced Hitchcock-like
by Roald Dahl himself, and (b) the title sequence was indeed the
only bit worth watching.
(NB - You'll need Realplayer for
listening to the theme tune)
U is for Ulysses
31
A foreign cartoon retelling of The Odyssey? Why, yes Sir!
Except it was set in the future, with Star Wars inspired
spaceships, lasers and cute little robots. The whole series was
an epic narrative, each episode following on from the last - kind
of like Coronation Street but without old ladies with nasty
haircuts.
By far the most memorable part of the show was the theme tune.
Actually, the theme seemed to be the most memorable part of all
foreign cartoons which were dubbed into English...
Anyway, this was a strange synthesised rock affair with crooning
vocals:
"Ul-eee-seeeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeeeee-eeeees, no-one else
can do the things you do..."
And all this years before the advent of Michael Bolton.
V is for Vectrex
Disturbingly ancient (and British-built) video games console with
a built-in screen. The display was strictly monochrome, but games
came with coloured filters that you could fit over the screen.
The machine's smooth vector graphics were astounding at the time,
but the prohibitive cost meant that virtually nobody had one.
The Vectrex game I remember most vividly was Spike, because it
had digitised speech - a real crowd-pleaser in the early 80's.
The plot was simple - Spike's girlfriend Molly had been kidnapped
by the evil Spud-man, and Spike had to go and get her back. He
did this by dancing about on a platform and shouting "Darnit!"
a lot. A 3D rewrite for the Playstation is unlikely.
I recently managed to purchase a second-hand Vectrex, and
discovered that it boasts the finest version of arcade classic
Scramble that I have ever seen. People wishing to play it for
themselves should seek out the Vectrex Emulator which is
available on the internet somewhere.
W is for When
the Wind Blows
I read this Raymond Briggs 'graphic novel' when I was very young.
It's about an elderly couple slowly dying of radiation poisoning
after a nuclear attack. I distinctly remember the descriptions of
the smell of burning flesh and the old woman vomiting blood. This
was at a time when the media was full of 'there might well be a
nuclear war soon' stories..
I learned three important lessons:
a) Don't play with thermonuclear weaponry
b) Don't drink heavy water
c) Don't let young children read this book
People seem to have forgotten about the neutron bomb menace.
Which is odd, considering that since the break-up of the USSR
many small countries have atomic weapons they can't handle. And
the constantly-warring India and Pakistan now have nuclear
capabilities, as well as many other countries which have recently
joined the 'nuclear club'. In fact, there's probably a higher
chance of a nuclear war happening somewhere soon than there has
been since the Cuban Crisis in the 60's.
Have a nice day!
X is for Xmas
Crackers (ahem)
Possibly the finest Christmas tradition. They explode with a
bang, providing a terrible joke, a crappy paper hat and what
everybody really buys them for - the novelty! Prices vary
drastically in the cracker world, and the quality of the
novelties vary with them. Pay a lot of cash and you get bouncy
rubber balls, pay a moderate amount and you get little jigsaws,
pay bugger all and you get horrifying lumps of moulded plastic
that are probably supposed to be cowboys.
Rumours persist that in very expensive crackers you get mood-predicting
fish, but until these reports are confirmed we'll have to stick
with our little elephant keyrings. And those puzzles where you
have to fit plastic shapes together to form the letter T.
Y is for Yabba-dabba-doo
God, I hate the Flintstones. But this was all I could think of
that begins with the letter Y.
The Flintstones was a rip-off of an old American sitcom called
'The Honeymooners', just as Top Cat was a rip-off of the Phil
Silvers Show (You know, Sergeant Bilko). Fred and Barney would
get into all sorts of tragically unhumourous scrapes, whilst
Wilma and Betty would stay at home with their gratuitous children.
That's it. You know any show with a catchphrase like "Yabba-dabba-doo"
is going to be bad news. And why didn't Wilma have any whites to
her eyes, even though everyone else did?
The show must have been freakishly popular - 167 episodes were
made. It is the second longest running animated series ever,
having been overtaken by the Simpsons a few years ago. It also
spawned three of the worst abominations of entertainment ever:
1. The Jetsons, a futuristic remake which was even worse
2. Whole weeks on the Cartoon Network where they show nothing but
the Flintstones 24 hours a day
3. The live-action Flintstones film with John Goodman as Fred,
Rick Moranis as Barney and Peahead the Incompetent as
scriptwriter.
Z is for Zebedee
Red-faced, half-man/half-spring freak from the Magic Roundabout
who hid behind a huge moustache. His bizarre image is burned into
my memory, despite the fact that all he did was go 'boing' and
tell everyone to go to bed.
All the characters in the show were recognisable as an animal of
some description, except Zebedee. I presume he was an early
experiment in cybernetics and genetic mutation that went
drastically wrong. Remember kids - don't play God. But if you do,
always clear up your bio-mechanical spring monsters before Mum
and Dad get home.