The utterly horrifying
A-Z of Everything Important
A is for Anubis
Anubis was the Egyptian god of something or other - you know, the
one with a head like a jackal. For some reason his symbol was a
penis. He must have been at the back of the line when they were
handing out heiroglyphs. I'll bet all the other gods giggled at
him behind his back.
B is for Butterscotch
A type of confectionery it is illegal to purchase if you are
under 65 years of age. Werther's Original is a prime example of
this slightly unpleasant treat.
C is for Choir
boys
The best way to get your son to hate you - make him join a church
choir. It mixes all the fun of strange robes, religion and
high-pitched singing. Does anyone actually like listening to it?
Doubtful, although a young Aled Jones managed to get the
brain-piercing "We're walking in the air" into the
charts. The best thing about Aled Jones is that his career
evaporated when his voice broke. Ha!
D is for Duck
City
One of those post-Simpsons adult oriented cartoons shown late at
night on BBC2. I have never seen an episode and, seemingly,
neither has anyone else. So in theory, it might be quite good and
nobody would know.
Naaaah.
E is for Evangelists
Those smarmy, suit-wearing sods who knock on your door and try to
convince you that you have to believe exactly the same things
they do or you're evil. America has now produced a new breed of
tele-evangelists, who have the power to annoy more people and
accept credit cards.
Perhaps not coincidentally, 'evangelists' is an anagram of
"evil's agents".
F is for Fetish
The strangest piece of feedback I have had about the site was
from someone who appreciated the "ASFR elements" in the
first Lord Geoffrey Rapture story. After a quick search on
AltaVista I discovered that ASFR stands for
alt.sex.fetish.robots. Now call me Doctor Ignorant, but nowhere
in the whole piece do I mention a) Sex or b) Robots. So what the
Hell was he (or she) talking about? I tried to ask but got no
response. Fortunately, the matter was cleared up by an astute
reader who e-mailed me the URL of a website which explains
everything. After looking through the site I am now very, very
scared.
I once read that the most common fetish is for women's feet. This
is clearly an unhealthy and twisted practice that neither myself
nor Dancing Yak Productions will tolerate, even if posting a
related picture would increase traffic to this site.
G is
for Greensleeves
A piece of music supposedly composed by King Henry VIII between
bouts of spousal decapitation. It goes, "Da da, da da, da da
doo doo, doo doo da da-da-da-daa doo doo". No, wait - that's
the theme to Airwolf.
H is for Halitosis
A medical condition which causes people to forget how cheap Polo
mints are.
I is for Interactive
movie
A horrendous (and now almost defunct) genre of computer games
which appeared when consoles became capable of playing full
motion video. Such games consist of watching bad actors talk crap
whilst you occasionally click on something with the mouse. More
tedious than watching somebody else watch paint dry.
J is for Junk
mail
The scourge of modern society. Sending off for anything by post
will now result in your letterbox being endlessly bombarded by
credit card offers and AOL internet CD's. Perhaps one day
companies will accept that if we want something, we will go and
get it. Until then they will repeatedly claim on the telephone
that we have been selected for a prize before trying to sell us
double-glazing.
K is for Klingon
Those aliens from Star Trek that look like they've got cornish
pasties stuck to their foreheads. Come to think of it, most
aliens in Star Trek are just people with funny foreheads or
noses. The USS Enterprise must explore some very cheap galaxies.
It is now possible to learn the Klingon language, as for some
reason it has been invented in full. Great - millions of people
are starving all over the world and what do people do? Invent
fake languages for fun, or write stupid websites.
Oops.
L is for Vatican
Hang on, no it isn't.
L is for Lion
That's better.
M is for Marge
The least used member of the Simpson family, Marge deserves a
mention if only for her fantastic haircut. Episodes based around
Marge tend to be less funny, which is probably why there are
relatively few of them. Her purry voice is unique amongst cartoon
characters. All together now - "Hrrrrmmmmmmm..."
N is for Nightmare
A nightmare is a bad dream. I have a recurring nightmare where I
am having to wait for the images on this page to load. You may
have that one yourself.
O is for Organisation
Possibly the most difficult task in modern society - organising
any sort of social event. Even the most carefully planned outing
will be met with a barrage of people who don't pay on time,
people who drop out at the last minute or change their mind, and
people who just don't turn up. Scientists believe that this
behaviour is caused by a faulty gene and are developing tests for
it. Offenders can then be diagnosed at birth and humanely
destroyed. With a blunt axe.
P is for Penguins
Funny little birds that swim rather than fly. Which is obviously
why their name was used for a brand of chocolate biscuit.
Q is for Quetzlcoatl
Some sort of Incan snake-god thing. It appears in a film called
"Q - The Winged Serpent", which is partly about a
failed bank robbery and partly about a giant flying snake
terrorising people. Inspired by this, I have written a screenplay
which is partly about a family's trip to the coast, and partly
about a huge robot which eats houses.
Strangely, Quentin Tarantino was genuinely influenced by that
film when he wrote Reservoir Dogs. It's true. Ask him.
R is for Resident
Evil
Abysmal adventure game for Sony's Playstation that enjoys huge
success despite having identical gameplay to a crappy Spectrum
game I bought new for £2.99. It's all there - picking up objects
and using them in unlikely places, not being able to carry enough
things and having to drop them off in linked storage boxes, and
of course a combat system which involves holding down one button
whilst pressing another. Other highlights include ludicrous
dialogue ("Jill, the master of unlocking!") and
frog-like enemies that can cause game over with a single hit. I
paid £40 for that! Grrrr.
But never mind - it had pretty graphics and lots of blood, right
kids?
S is for Suggestively shaped ice cream
T is for Tie
and dye
Method of producing t-shirts that look like they've been washed
by your Dad.
U is for Unexpected
Surprise endings are great, aren't they? But so rarely seen these
days. It's all too obvious in most films, TV shows and even books
that the hero or heroine will beat all the naughty people and
live happily ever after. Until the sequel, which will end the
same.
Tales of the Unexpected was an old TV show, written mainly by
Roald Dahl, that offered only stories with a twist at the end.
But due to the title of the programme, viewers were expecting a
twist, so it wasn't really unexpected. Oh well.
V is for Vikings
Nordic hardcases who invaded everywhere they could find, raping,
pillaging and drinking as they went. Most people remember them
for singing a song about spam in a Monty Python sketch.
W is for Waiters
People who serve you food in a restaurant. On television there
seem to be only two types - arrogant French waiters for French
restaurants, or jovial Italian waiters for Italian restaurants.
All other eating establishments employ young, jaded American
waitresses.
X is for Xylophone
When I was at school X was always for xylophone. But in modern
children's books, it seems to be represented by a fox. Or a foX,
indeed. This is probably better for teaching kids, but it seems
like cheating to me.
Y is for Yak
Of course.
Z is for Zygote
A zygote is a sex cell - but also the last word in the
dictionary. So if anyone ever says to you, "You always have
to have the last word!" just shout "Zygote!" back
at them. Then run before they smash your face open.