Annual Performance Appraisal

Staff Member: Norman Wisdom
Position: Junior administrative clerk
Qualifications: Pint-sized master of slapstick and pathos

Over the course of the year I have become increasingly concerned at Norman's approach to work. He rarely seems to be at his desk, and is often seen being dragged across the office by a lawnmower whilst screaming "Mr. Grimsdale!"

Norman's telephone manner is steadily becoming worse over time. He stutters and screeches at clients, constantly making errors and giving incorrect information. I have repeatedly attempted to bring this matter to Norman's attention, but he sings "Don't laugh at me 'cause I'm a fool," and runs away clutching his little hat.

The gross ineptitude displayed in everything Norman attempts has had a profound impact on the business over the last year. The photocopier now breaks down completely when he gets within 5 feet of it - we have had the machine replaced 27 times, but to no avail. Other incidents of damage include:

• Causing the fax machine to spontaneously combust
• Pouring custard over a desk fan which then splattered the whole department
• Smearing strawberry jam over a computer terminal
• Somehow flooding the basement filing area with drinking chocolate
• Damaging the structural supports of the building to such an extent that the whole office collapsed, killing 137 people and injuring a further 289.

However, Norman's work output and overall productivity figures have remained well above the average level this year so I have no hesitation in awarding him the maximum performance related pay increase. I look forward to another year of high statistics.

All text copyright and intellectual property of Stuart Ashen

Back to Index