The easiest way onto the Internet
The easiest way onto the Internet
Have you been left behind in the digital revolution? Do you wish there was an easy way onto the information superhighway?
Well now there is!
Artech(tm) bring you the WEB-nET 3000 - a way to browse the Internet without the need for an expensive and confusing PC!
What is it?
The WEB-nET 3000 is a state-of-the-art Internet computer built
with YOU in mind. It connects to your television to provide full
world-wide-web access and e-mail as easily as possible.
How does it work?
It's so easy to use that you won't need to read the manuals - a
good thing, as they are printed in Russian. After turning the
WEB-nET 3000 on and waiting for the capacitors to charge, simply
press the "CONNECT" button and - hey presto! - after
the valves reach their maximum efficiency (12 minutes at room
temperature) you will be ready to surf the cyber-waterslide!
Using the latest version of Artech(tm) WebRover (Version 0.13
Beta 2), you can view Internet websites on your television. Our
revolutionary analogue video phase technology allows a resolution
of 160 x 120 pixels using a glorious 8 colours on even a standard
TV set. All control is provided by the built-in keyboard, which
can be quickly mastered by anyone with knowledge of the Cyrillic
alphabet.
E-mail is can be quickly and easily sent with a few simple
keystrokes. (due to technical restrictions, e-mail sent by the
WEB-nET 3000 cannot contain the letter 'e')
The super-fast built-in modem offers data transfer rates of up to
1000 bytes a minute, although this may be slower if other
telephone calls are being made in Europe at the time of
connection.
How do I set it up?
It's as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7! Just refer to the following
diagram:
What does it cost to run?
Our Internet Service Provider, FloomNet, offers FREE internet
access for life to all WEB-nET 3000 purchasers! A simple call to
their telephone registration line is all that's needed to set up
your account. (calls charged at 97p per millisecond)
Internet calls are charged at standard British Telecom local
rates. For now.
The WEB-nET 3000 draws it's electricity from the supplied mains
adaptor. Due to the nature of the electrical components inside,
it requires the same power input as a small factory.
The seemingly useless device, without which the WEB-nET will not
operate, is made obselete every two months. This will need to be
replaced with a similar device, slightly more expensive each
time. These devices are only available from Artech(tm) and it's
wholly owned subsidiaries.
Where can I buy one?
An Artech(tm) representative will call at your house within the
next two months to discuss the advantages of the WEB-nET 3000,
and to eat all your biscuits. (warning - all Artech(tm)
representatives are trained in self-defence and carry a large
stick)
Disclaimers
People with lungs should avoid contact with the fume release
chimney due to the extremely carcinogenic gases released.
Artech(tm) recommends removing all glass items from your house
before operating the WEB-nET 3000, due to the powerful vibrations
emitted from the unit. The WEB-nET 3000 should not be dismantled
without the necessary radiation shields.