Weapons in Britain's Schools
A special report by Sergeant Ian Carradine of the Norfolk Constabulary

Introduction
Few people realise how serious the problem of school weaponry has become. Over the last five years, the Norfolk Constabulary has confiscated a worringly large amount of offensive implements from schools in the area. In order to bring this problem into the public eye, I will now present some of the weapons I have personally confiscated from schools over the last eighteen months.

Extendable steel baton

The above device is an easily concealed weapon, which makes it all the more dangerous. With a flick of the wrist, it extends to almost three times it's original length, and can be used to smash skulls and paintwork.
I discovered the above cudgel in a large comprehensive school. I was giving a talk on the dangers of eating small rodents when I noticed the device hanging from my belt in a professionally-made holster. Although I spent many hours interrogating the children, none of them would admit to placing the device on my person.
An examination by our forensics department revealed that the baton is a standard police-issue weapon. It is not known how it fell into the children's hands.

Replica mediaeval dagger

Although the balde of this replica is not sharp, the point could still be used to gouge out a person's eye or pancreas. I found it after being invited to attend a local school's production of Robin Hood. I was quite enjoying the play when suddenly a twelve-year old boy with a false beard produced the weapon and brandished it in front of the audience. I quickly leapt on to the stage and wrestled the boy to the floor, averting any further distress.
Most disturbingly of all, it was later revealed during questioning that the dagger was given to the child by a teacher. The educator in question is now serving three consecutive life sentences and his entire family have been relocated to Zimbabwe.

Tokarev semi-automatic handgun

The above weapon was the standard issue side-arm of Russian troops during the second world war. It has no safety catch and is capable of firing small lead projectiles into people's faces.
I discovered the pistol at a 'History Fair' in a middle school. It had been placed there by a ten-year-old girl, who claimed the weapon belonged to her Grandfather. She also claimed that it was safe as there was no ammunition or firing pin, and the barrel had been welded closed. She even produced a de-activation certificate endorsed by the Metropolitan Police. As I was quick to point out in court, the certificate could have been faked by anyone with access to a modern computer, a high-quality printer and a Justice of the Peace.
The Judge disagreed with the girl's claims that the handgun was safe, and she was sentenced to be hanged by the neck until guilty.

Star Wars Jar-Jar Binks talking watch

There is no excuse for the existence of a weapon this horrendous. It is unthinkable that it should fall into the hands of a child. At a single button press, the watch shrieks "Issa five-thirty-two-pee-em! Ouch-time! Oh, how wude!" whilst an animated face makes strange expressions on the dial. There are various other animations and exclamations, none of which can be reproduced here due to international censorship laws.
This device was found in the hands of a sixteen-year-old in Hull after a tip-off from the school headmaster. In accordance with the rulings of the Geneva Convention, everything within a two kilometre radius of the watch was destroyed without warning by a mixture of high explosives and napalm.

Conclusion
There is no hope for our children. They must be burned.

Thank you for your time.

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