Newsdesk: John Prescott decries use of monkey-faced spatulas

In a stirring speech to the British public, Minister for hypocrisy John Prescott today spoke out against the use of monkey-faced Spatulas.

"The time has come to put an end to the use of kitchen utensils with simian visages," said Mr. Prescott. "Britain's spatula businesses have been devastated by foreign companies flooding the market with oddly-shaped novelty replacements. All too quickly, the British public have accepted these cheaper, more ridiculous looking items in favour of their regular spatulas."
To emphasise the point, Mr. Prescott held up a red plastic spatula moulded into the likeness of a rhesus monkey. "Very pretty, isn't it? And it costs only two thirds the price of a genuine British spatula. But is this monkey-faced item as well made and effective as the home-grown spatulas the public have chosen to shun? OF COURSE IT IS NOT. This cheap, nasty, ape-look-a-like device has been poorly manufactured in a Taiwanese sweatshop by crippled six-year-olds with bronchial problems. When you flip your bacon with this THING, you are advocating child labour and the financial ruin of Britain."
Mr. Prescott then drove away in one of his many expensive cars.

Mr. Prescott's unprecedented speech was received badly by critics, some of whom were vomiting blood by the end of it. Dr. Ramsey Foss of the University of East Anglia wiped the congealed blood from his chin before issuing the following response:
"John Prescott's speech has left me lost for words and short on blood. Just look at the facts:

1. The monkey-faced spatulas in question are manufactured by Mr. Prescott's own business, 'Prescott's patented monkey-faced spatulas plc'.
2. Prescott has endorsed the following poster advertisement, which has appeared on billboards all over the country.
   
3. The Taiwanese sweatshops he mentions are operated by a subsidiary of Prescott's patented monkey-faced spatulas. This other company, 'Suffer the little children ltd', have a worse human rights record than Pol Pot and Ming the Merciless combined. It is their standard practise to employ children no older than eight, and force them to provide cheap manual labour for British firms. Any children trying to escape from the harsh and often fatal conditions at the sweatshops are locked in a tiny box and boiled alive in a vat of lard as an example to others. This punishment was devised by Prescott himself, reportedly as it "Shows the little buggers who's boss and makes me laugh."
4. The Sweatshops are constructed entirely out of abandoned asbestos, directly at John Prescott's request. This is a cost-cutting measure which provides cheap building materials and ensures the children do not survive to an age where they could overcome the sweatshop's guards, or form a trade union."

Dr. Foss then resumed his projectile vomiting, and was unable to comment further.

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