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Headlines from around the world

CONSERVATIVES WIN TOMBOLA BY LANDSLIDE

CLIFF RICHARD IS NOT GAY

TIZER DECLARED "NOT FIZZY ENOUGH" BY HOUSE OF LORDS

EXPERTS DETERMINE THAT IRN BRU IS NOT MADE FROM GIRDERS

GIANT MONKEY "LOOKED LIKE CHANCELLOR'S COUSIN"

BOYZONE MUSIC CAUSES STERILITY IN POLECATS

MAN BITES DOG, SUES OWN TEETH

GOVERNMENT DENIES GIANT DAIRYLEA RUMOURS

SINATRA'S CORPSE TO APPEAR IN STAR TREK

GOOD HEALTH NO LONGER GOOD FOR YOU

BLAIR DRIPS CARAMEL AT U.N. SUMMIT

POPE RESIGNS, VANESSA FELTZ TIPPED FOR TOP PAPAL POSITION

"NO MORE EGGS!" SCREAMS HYSTERICAL CLINTON

NATO FORCES YUGOSLAVIA TO BOMB SELF

DISPOSABLE STAPLERS A MENACE TO SOCIETY

EUROPEAN HIGH COURT REPEALS LAWS OF PHYSICS

VICIOUS 'FLU BUG TAKES ISRAELI PREMIER HOSTAGE

DNA TESTING SOLVES VADER / SKYWALKER PARENTAL ROW

WOMAN BOILED TO DEATH IN POT NOODLE

MINERAL WATER TO BE REPLACED WITH LIQUID ROCKS

SATELLITE PHOTOS REVEAL IRAQI DOOMSDAY HAT


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