NEWSFLASH: DANCING YAK PRODUCTIONS PURCHASE MILLENIUM DOME

Dancing Yak Productions today became the new owners of the Millenium Dome in Greenwich, London, after a successful bid was made to the British Government. Even after months of controversy concerning the future of the Dome, speculators were surprised by the last minute bid from the Norwich-based multimedia concern. Prime Minister Tony Blair had this to say in a brief statement this morning:
"It is with great enthusiasm that I pass over the ownership of the Dome. I am sure that the future of this magnificent structure will be secure in the hands of the lunatics, idiots and emotional cripples who make up Dancing Yak Productions."

72p and two pretzels, in case you hadn't noticed
The winning bid

Dancing Yak Controller, Dr. S. C. Ashen, unveiled plans for the future of the Dome in a press release sent out this afternoon.
"The first step will be to rename the structure 'The Yak Dome'. This will follow weeks of intense marketing, in which we will paint the words 'VISIT THE YAK DOME' on the side of a cow and release it on to the streets of Sheffield. The Dome will continue to function as a tourist attraction, retaining the concept of multiple themed zones. The content will be altered to suit our new vision for the Dome and the new sponsors we have for each area. We are also considering marketing a range of tie-in merchandise including t-shirts, novelty crutches and dome-flavoured toothpaste."

A revised map gave more exact details of the contents of the Yak Dome. For your information, it has been reproduced below.

YOU ARE NOT HERE

1 - The Dull Show sponsored by Stannah Stairlifts
Watch a cavalcade of dimly-remembered minor celebrities from the past drone on and on about their previous performances, as your children fidget and whine.

2 - The Thug Zone sponsored by FIFA
Get the living daylights beaten out of you by a gang of vicious, drunken half-wits who notice that you are wearing a different coloured scarf to them. Smash up a replica stadium because the outcome of a sporting event wasn't exactly as you'd hoped.

3 - The Birdhouse in Dr. Ashen's Soul Zone sponsored by Dancing Yak Productions
Based on the obscure website of the same name. Experience several hundred pieces of Dr. Ashen's work before punching a life-size replica of him in the face.

4 - The Cash Zone sponsored by Barclays Bank
Find out exactly how much of the world's wealth is controlled by royalty and corporations. Simultaneously watch two video screens, one showing a corporate board meeting and the other showing starving African children. Plus the chance to play the new National Lottery Moneypit Game, where you throw a £1 coin in a hole and hope to find £10 in the street.

5 - The Forgotten Purpose Zone sponsored by Somebody or Other
Hundreds of mechanical rabbits running round in a perspex tube, with french poetry recited by a high-pitched robotic voice. Was probably supposed to be a metaphor for something, but we're damned if we can remember what.

6 - The Gratuitously Unpleasant Zone sponsored by Mr. F. T. Stebbins
Enter a giant model of a piece of canine excrement before being assaulted with a horrifying display of rotting animal carcasses, rancid urine, preserved tumours and Su Pollard. Warning - this zone may cause you to be drenched in elephant snot.

7 - The Atonement Zone sponsored by the Russian Mafia
A live attraction where complete bastards are tortured for the pointless suffering they have inflicted upon others. Members of the public will be able to vote for their own personal tosspot, who can be strung up and brutally mistreated in full view of the public. Initial prisoners are likely to include That Blonde Girl Who Poisoned That Cat, That Git Who Ran a Key Along My Car Door, That Woman and Her Mates Who Deliberately Drove Through a Puddle and Soaked Me Then Laughed, and That Fat Bloke Down the Road Who Keeps Having Noisy Parties on Friday Nights.

8 - The Construction Zone sponsored by May Gurney
See a building site in authentic detail. Learn how each of the zones was built by looking at one under construction. Work out that the sponsors for this zone pulled out halfway through construction - and that we just left everything as it was when the builders went away.

9 - The Overpriced Comestibles Zone sponsored by Starbucks
A selection of restaurants, each with prices pushed through the roof because we know you can't go anywhere else to eat.

   10 - The Confusion Zone sponsored by Erno Rubik
A half-baked mish-mash of different ideas slammed together by a team of designers who couldn't make up their minds about whose plan to go with, so they tried to incorporate a piece of all of them.

11 - The Child Frightening Zone sponsored by the Daleks
Enter a bewildering series of claustrophobically small, dark tunnels. Hear incredibly loud screams broadcast over loudspeakers at random intervals, whilst unseen hands pull at your hair and voices whisper latin curses.

12 - The Fake Seaside Zone sponsored by Butlins
Visit this recreation of a British seaside resort, complete with lighthouse, sand and arcades. Look, we're really sorry that we had to put this in here. It's just that we had a spare place, time was running out, Butlins came up with the money, and... Oh God. We are so, so sorry. We keep on closing it off and pretending it's broken, but Butlins are becoming suspicous. We tried to get something else, we really did. Sorry.

13 - The Nightclub Zone sponsored by Bacardi
Experience the thrills of a modern nightclub as you stand in a horribly crowded, darkened room with grating music played at incredible volume. Use the provided towels to wipe the vomit off your trousers after an inebriated 15-year-old boy sneaks past the bouncers and throws up on you.

14 - The Visionary Future Zone sponsored by Tyler Durden
Stalk elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Centre. Wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. Climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look you will see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison in the empty car pool lanes of some abandoned superhighway.

15 - The Nerd Zone sponsored by Wizards of the Coast
Trade X-Men collector cards with overweight American schoolchildren. Play the latest Japanese computer games on huge flat-screen TV's. Marvel at the world's most complete collection of Star Wars action figures.

16 - The Elton John Zone sponsored by Elton John
Take a journey through a gigantic model of Elton John. Wonder at the size of his twisted ego and turgid sense of self-importance. Learn what drives this abusive, nasty little freak as you listen to a medley of his insufferable dirges.

17 - The Loud Bouncy Things Zone sponsored by McDonalds
Get your mewling kids out of your hair for five minutes with this incomprehensible attraction featuring ear-splitting noise, trampolines, flying foam balls and model dinosaurs. Not suitable for anyone aged 10 or over.

18 - The Righteous Indignation Zone sponsored by the People of Britain
Put forward your idea for what the money wasted on the Millenium Dome should have been used for. Popular choices include the helping the homeless, feeding the starving or building several major hospitals FOR GOD'S SAKE.

All text copyright and intellectual property of Stuart Ashen, except the names of corporations which belong to groups of very rich men who wear expensive suits and really don't give a toss about anyone who earns less than £95,000 per annum. Oh, and the 'Visionary Future Zone' bit which belongs to Chuck Palahniuk.

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