Forthcoming movies from Kevin Costner
Toupeeworld
In a post-apocalyptic world,
radiation has rendered everyone bald. Hair is the most valued
substance on the planet, and as the last wigmaker Costner is
hunted by the evil Overlord and his followers. He must protect
the special child, the only human who knows the way to the
legendary Lost Island of Fur. Together the wigmaker and the child
bring hope to the ravaged remains of civilisation.
The Accountant
In a post-apocalyptic world, nuclear war has
caused massive financial upheaval and the death of all financial
sector workers. Numeracy is the most sought-after skill on the
planet, and as the last accountant Costner is hunted by the evil
Overlord and his followers. He must protect the special child,
the only human who knows the way to the legendary Lost Island of
Microsoft Excel. Together the accountant and the child bring hope
to the ravaged remains of civilisation.
Snotworld
In a post-apocalyptic world,
all handkerchieves have been destroyed. Tissue paper is the most
valued substance on the planet, and as the last person without a
head cold Costner is hunted by the evil Overlord and his
followers. He must protect the special child, the only human who
knows the way to the legendary Lost Island of Kleenex. Together
the non-sneezing one and the child bring hope to the ravaged
remains of civilisation.
The Juggler
In a post-apocalyptic world,
nobody has the necessary hand-eye co-ordination to throw a ball
and catch it again quickly. Sleight of hand is the most
sought-after skill on the planet, and as the last juggler Costner
is hunted by the evil Overlord and his followers. He must protect
the special child, the only human who knows the way to the
legendary Lost Island of Little Pyramidal Beanbags. Together the
juggler and the child bring hope to the ravaged remains of
civilisation.
Reality
In a pre-apocalyptic world,
tedious films set after armageddon are scarce. Incredibly long
and tedious movies are the most under-used genre on the planet,
and as the last person with enough money to finance such crap
Costner is by ignored by the general public. He must protect the
special generic post-apocalyptic script, the only idea he seems
to have. Together Costner and the script irritate a jaded
civilisation.