With our resident expert Rusty Spakhandel
Dear Rusty,
I have always been interested in tying handkerchieves around my
elbows and knees, so I was delighted to discover that a Morris
Dancing club was being started in my area. Unfortunately, so few
people were interested that the club never got off the ground!
I'm desperately seeking another socially acceptable hobby that
will allow me to indulge my passion for small squares of fabric.
Can you think of any?
J. Callahan, 35, Milton Keynes UK
Rusty Says:
I strongly recommend tying a short length of rope around your
neck and attaching it securely to a ceiling. Make sure that your
feet don't touch the floor and you will be well away!
Dear Rusty,
After extensive research into the field of bio-mechanics, I have
discovered that it is not nearly as exciting as it sounds. Is
there anything I can do to liven it up?
Dr. V. Halley, 52, Cambridge UK
Rusty Says:
Unfortunately not. Most sciences are given exciting names, such
as "Human Cybernetics", although they are in fact as
dull as ditchwater. This is because they all consist of repeating
the same thing over and over until you get enough of the results
you want to ignore the truth.
My advice is to engage the old trick of turning your brain off
completely and working in an apathetic stupor. Remember, you are
a scientist - you don't think, you observe.
Dear Rusty,
THIS SUX :-((
WAREZ RULEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BOBAFETT37, 15, Atlanta USA
Rusty Says:
Yes.
Dear Rusty,
i hav to work with jonny in sience and he is a fat pig and he is
mad and he hase a funny hed and i hate him
Nigel C, 7, Wolverhampton UK
Rusty Says:
Get together with a group of friends and ram his head down the
toilet as you flush it. It's fun, and traditional!
Dear Rusty,
I urge your readers not to buy anything from the cable television
shopping channel QVC, as it is invariably rubbish.
I mean, look at this fibre-optic UFO shaped lamp. It seemed so
good on TV... £25 down the drain!
Veronica Sallis, 26, Aberdeen UK
Rusty Says:
No wonder the economy is in such a state. You anti-business types
make me sick.
Dear Rusty,
Rubbing the soles of your feet with surgical spirit will refresh
and harden them in preparation for wearing summer sandals.
Mrs M. Watson, 34, Putney UK
Rusty Says:
I have informed the police. Do not write to me again.
Dear Rusty,
You still owe me a fiver.
John Spakhandel, 25, London UK
Rusty Says:
Not now, for Christ's sake!
Dear Rusty,
Does God really exist?
Rev. Jonathon Mullins, 63, Wimbledon UK
Rusty Says:
Hang on, I'll ask him...
Sorry, he won't say.