Big Wheels - Synopsis

Bertram Wearing is a believer – he believes he can take his 1969 Humley Major Mark C to compete in the toughest and most gruelling classic car rally there is - The Four Corners Of The Apocalypse. Visiting all four corners of England, non-stop, without motorways, may seem straight forward enough. But to do it in the dead of winter, in a car that’s at least twenty-five years old could and "the most unreliable car in British post-war motoring history" by leading magazine Practically Sports Cars, is nothing short of suicide.

Unfortunately, Bertram is the only one who believes this can be done. Bertram’s wife, Wotama, refuses to be his co-driver, a compulsory requirement for entry. Members of the Bigendbearing.com forum scorn him; the village club (the Herbewey cum Quickly Classic Car Club) wonder if he’s lost his marbles; even the Chairman of the Humley Owners Club threatens to ask for his resignation. But by this time, Bertram his paid the entry fee, completed the documentation, and there’s no going back.

Without the mandatory co-driver to accompany him, it might all seem a no-win situation for Bertram. Until a chance meeting on the Internet plunges him into a one-way trip of lies, cover-ups, sexism, deception and grief, in a race against time, reliability, eclectic music, angry Marines and the bearing to end all big ends.

A last minute search for a co-driver on the Internet leads Bertram to meet "Eric A," the only person who volunteers to be his co-driver. Days later they meet at Bertram’s house, only for Bertram to discover that Eric is in fact Erica, an 18 year old sixth form student from the poorer half of the village, who possesses a mysterious clairvoyance with old cars.

Erica also has a psychiatric history following the sudden death of her cat, Dave, who was run down by a Police car. Erica blames herself for Dave’s death despite the best efforts of her psychiatrist, Dr Wanklyn, courses of pills, counselling, visits to the secure unit and threats of electro convulsive therapy.

Multiplying Erica’s grief is the loss of her grandmother to old age and strokes. This coupled with the deteriorating relationship with her father (who subliminally blames Erica for Dave’s death) causes Erica to develop odd coping strategies. One of these includes taking long walks, which somehow end up at Quickly Qars, run by the mad mechanic, Ben Drofluazide. Ben’s customer care leaves something to be desired, but strangely he is never short of cars to fix. He takes a liking to Erica and allows her to watch the work in the garage and administer tender loving repair. Eventually she begins to learn Ben’s clairvoyant tricks of the trade, and develops a telepathic ability to diagnose faults and breakdowns even before they happen - her harbinger of vroom.

To escape the stormy atmosphere of home life, Erica tries to team up with Bertram. She meets him in his garage at a point where he is unable to fix a fault with his Humley Major. Bertram refuses to let Erica enter The Four Corners with him, advising her that it is a tough event and no place for a girl. But she points out that he needs a co-driver or else will face ridicule.

After watching Bertram’s disastrous attempts at fixing the fault himself (he ends up in A&E) Erica challenges Bertie to let her fix the car for him with the proviso that she will disguise herself as a boy and be his co-driver. Reluctantly he agrees and Erica gets the car started.

The Four Corners Of The Apocalypse takes entrants from the first Corner at Berwick, to Longtown in Cumbria, Land’s End and Dover, before returning north to England’s most northeasterly town. Travelling in convoy with drivers such as Lester Forrest-East, Flockton Green, and Anderby Creek, they wind their way through the snow of the Lake District, the night of the midlands and the Chavs of the West Country.

Erica rigs up her iPod to play through the radio of Bert’s Humley. But her music isn’t quite to his taste and he picks up a copy of the soundtrack to "American Graffiti," suggesting Erica loads this to her iPod. Erica’s playlist sets the mood for each chapter.

The Four Corners Of The Apocalypse is interspaced with historical excerpts from the history of the Humley Motor Company, plus Bigendbearing dot com forum entries, Ricky Pressmith’s rally blog, and e-mails between Erica and her brother Paul.

During the trip, Bertram is shocked to learn that Erica has not past her driving test, and has to take on all the driving himself. Erica pours red bull and coffee down his throat, whilst trying to maintain stimulating conversations about cake decorating (Bertram is a professional cake decorator).

Erica also lets it slip that she has not told her parents that she has come away on The Four Corners. Bertram instantly freaks out, suddenly feeling that he is a kidnapper or a child molester, until Erica reminds him that she is 18 and quite capable of making decisions for herself. She says that it is her brother and boyfriend they should worry about, on account of them being rugby playing Marines with bad attitude.

The trauma of witnessing a road traffic accident and a potential fatality becomes a crossroads for Erica’s mental state. She draws strength from her mother’s stories as a nurse in Casualty, and continues to develop coping strategies for stressful situations.

Bertram and Erica continue to dodge Erica’s brother and boyfriend who are by now in hot pursuit. Fellow Four Corners driver Bob Falfa (whose real name is Mike Rotch) and his 1955 black monster Chevy simultaneously plague them. Falfa starts to suspect that "Eric" is more than who he says he is, after uncovering Erica stripped to the waist and wearing a bra. Meanwhile somebody is attempting to sabotage their journey.

During the only forced overnight stop, the drivers are billeted in a hotel. Erica isn’t afraid of sharing a room with Bertram. But Bertram, ever the gentleman, offers to sleep in the lounge. During the evening meal, Erica is forced to use the gents in order to keep up her disguise. In the loos, she encounters Bob Falfa, who accuses "Eric" of being a transvestite. Erica quickly overturns this argument, fooling Bob into believing that it wasn’t a bra but a "double-elasticated neoprene supportagrip" to correct scoliosis. Thereafter Bob becomes Erica’s best friend and a drinking competition develops.

Fighting tiredness, hangovers, bursting bladders and strange knocking noises from the front, Bertram and Erica soldier on throughout the next day and in to the night. Bertram insists on using his inbuilt navigational skills, until Erica finally decides to take charge and put them back in the right direction.

Bertram presses the Humley’s performance to its limits in order to make up for lost time. Until, not far from the finish, the big end bearing finally lets go and the Humley comes to a grinding halt. Unaccustomed to sleep depravation (she is a teenage after all) Erica’s "harbinger of vroom" has let her down. Their journey looks as though it is over almost within sight of the finish, and to make matters worse, Erica’s brother and boyfriend finally track them down.

It looks like it’s going to be fisticuffs at dawn, but Bertram, using his best "retired Navy Officer" attitude, manages to persuade the two Marines that all is strictly plutonic and that nobody has been abducted. Whilst Erica and Paul work furiously together to fix the Humley, Bertram chats with Erica’s boyfriend, Mark, and uncovers the real reason for Erica’s manic depression. Leaving Mark and Paul behind, Bertram and Erica speed towards the finish. Bertram questions Erica about the death of her cat, Dave, only to discover the shocking truth, that Dave was not a cat but Erica’s baby brother.

Together they head north to a successful completion of The Four Corners, their physical journey ending at the same time as the beginning Erica’s road to recovery.