Funny Bones
Thread Started on Sept 19, 2006, 4:40pm »
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Few Jokes for you all
Koala Bear walks into a restaurant, has a meal, pulls out a gun and kills the restaurant owner before running out of the place. Headline next day reads "Koala Bear - eats shoots and leaves"
Man's wife notices a green growth on top of hubby's bald head so he goes off to see a doctor. Doctor feels it and looks at it but is stumped so sends him off to see a specialist (and we all know how long that can take). Some years later he sees the specialist and by now the green spot has grown larger. The specialist gets out a powerful magnifying glass and peers at the growth - he is amazed to see a lake surrounded by grass and trees - some swans are floating around the lake and there's even a picnic area - "ah" says the doctor "nothing to worry about - it's just a beauty spot!"
Headmaster walking past the Maths classroom hears the teacher shout "Tommy Smith, go home at once, your mother has just dropped down dead!" The headmaster is mortified and takes the teacher to one side. He quietly explains that there could have been a gentler way to break the news to Tommy. A few weeks later Head is again walking past the maths class when he overhears the teacher say "All those with a pet dog stand up please" P A U S E "No, not you Albert".
Carpet fitter has just finished laying an expensive carpet in a very posh residence. He's admiring his handiwork as he reaches into his pocket for his ciggie packet - it's not there - suddenly he sees a lump in the carpet and realises where he'd last seen his cigs. Rather than pull up the carpet and start again he takes his hammer to the lump. Satisfied when it's completely flat he turns to leave the room, the lady of the house greets him with "here are your cigarettes, you left them in the bathroom. Oh and by the way - have you seen my budgie?"
I know they're old jokes but sometimes they're the best eh?
Enjoy!
« Last Edit: Sept 23, 2006, 11:07pm by Little Mo »
A woman takes her pet Labrador to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," she says, "is there anything you can do for him?" "Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally he says: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed!?" asks the shocked woman. "No, because he's really really heavy." replies the vet.
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost. So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then, he noticed some bones close by on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said -- "Where's that d**n monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A few days later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
FINAL ONE for now anyway -
A blind man is waiting with his guide dog by the side of the road
to cross. No traffic comes but the dog continues to sit there. All of a sudden
an articulated lorry comes belting around the corner and the guide dog drags
his owner out in front of it, just missing it. The lorry driver pulls up,shocked,
and looks out of his window to see the blind man patting the dog on the head.
He calls out "Don't pat that dog ,mate, it nearly got you killed!"
The blind man calls back "I'm just finding its head so I can kick it
up the backside!"
« Last Edit: Sept 20, 2006, 1:34am by Little Mo »
Reply #2 on Sept 20, 2006, 4:30pm »
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MY FAVOURITE JOKE IS THIS....BLOKE SAYS TO HIS WIFE "RIGHT LOVE TIME
FOR THE PUB GET YOUR COAT ON" SHE SAYS "MY GOD ARE YOU TAKING ME
WITH YOU" HE SAYS "NO..I'M TURNING THE FIRE OFF"
Johnny Owen
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
« Reply #3 on Sept 20, 2006, 10:58pm
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they
came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel
several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov
- no problem" one said. "Oh yeah” said another “well,
I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing”
another one said, “I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally,
the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel then
he turned to a puzzled bystander and said "If there's one thing I hate
it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
LittleMo
Reply #4 on Sept 21, 2006, 11:35pm »
Joke of the Day:-
A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada. Suddenly there is a pop and a bang
and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls onto the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front and a bloke jumps out. "Do
you want a tow mate?" he asks, "yes, please" the Lada driver
replies. "Ok, but if I start to drive too fast then you will have to
flash me with your indicator and I’ll slow down.” So the two men
set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche
and they start to race - completely forgetting the poor Lada behind. Finally
they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a small, local pub. A
man standing outside it with his pint in his hand runs inside to his friends
and blurts out, “you'll never guess what I've just seen! I saw a Ferrari
and Porsche racing at 250mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"
LittleMo
« Reply #5 on Sept 22, 2006, 11:12pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY:-
A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at the clock - it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls
over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens
the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise
the man is drunk. "Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you
give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed,"
says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife
what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night
we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the
babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened
if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says
the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs
and help him." So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"HEY, DO YOU STILL WANT A PUSH?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah,
please." Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "WHERE ARE
YOU?" and the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing!"
LittleMo
« Reply #6 on Sept 23, 2006, 11:00pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY! By LittleMo
Three men go hunting, one is extremely smart, one is not as smart
and the third is a bit slow on the uptake. The smart one goes out and 1 hour
later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it and he said,
"I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed
the deer." The other not-so-smart one goes out, and 2 hours later he
comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it. He said, " I
found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I shot and missed
the deer, so I found more tracks, followed the tracks, found the deer and
killed the deer." So the “slow” hunter goes out, and 3 hours
later, he comes back beaten, bruised and his clothes in tatters. The other
2 asked what happened. He said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks
and got hit by a train."
« Reply #7 on Sept 24, 2006, 8:57pm »
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two
large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's
in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan. The guard says, "We'll
just see about that - get off the bike." The guard then takes the bags,
rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains
Juan overnight and has the sand analysed only to discover that there is nothing
but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new
bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination
and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back
to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is
repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan stops showing up each week.
Years later the guard meets Juan in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy,"
says the guard, "I know you must've been smuggling something all those
years ago and it's driving me crazy not knowing what. It's all I think about.
I can't sleep. So just between you and me, what were you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
LittleMo
« Reply #8 on Sept 25, 2006, 10:42am »
Paddy got sacked by the prison board for refusing to repair the electric chair,
he said it was a death trap!
Tony38337
« Reply #9 on Sept 25, 2006, 9:13pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY:-
A cannibal goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor I’m really
depressed, what should I do?" The doctor replies "Go on holiday
for a week then come and see me again.” The cannibal agrees and goes
on holiday. One week later he returns to the surgery with an arm and a leg
missing. “What on earth happened to you?” the doctor asked. “Oh,
the holiday I went on was self-catering!” replied the cannibal.
LittleMo
« Reply #10 on Sept 25, 2006, 10:24pm »
a handy person wanted please apply. can you do electrical! no. can you do
plumbing! no. can you paint! no. can you mix cement! no. whats handy about
you. i only live around the corner. tommy oxoxo
Tommy M.
Reply #11 on Sept 26, 2006, 1:19am »
Two Irish mates looking for a start on a building site. First bloke goes in
to see the forman,forman say's" quick verbal test , give me a sentence
with great in it"
Irish has a think" I have a donkey jacket and I think it's great"
Forman ."well done you have a start, send your mate in" Sean say's
to Declan " It's a piece of cake , tell him you have a donkey jacket
and you think it's great and you'll have the job.
Dec goes in. Forman "same test as your mate,give me a sentence with fascinate
in it"Dec confidently reply's " I have a donkey jacket and I think
it's great!"Forman"No give me a sentence with fascinate in it"
Dec thinks" I have a donkey jacket,and I think!! it's great!!!
Forman"No,fascinate!!fascinate!!" Declan" oh I have it now,
I have a donkey jacket and I think it's great, it has nine button holes, but
I can only fascinate!!
Danny
« Reply #12 on Sept 26, 2006, 8:29pm »
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One morning a family takes their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing
home and leaves her as planned, hoping she’ll be well cared for. The
next morning, the nurses bathe her and feed her a really healthy breakfast
before sitting her in a chair by a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other
side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes
on all day. Later that evening her family arrives to see how she’s settling
in. "So Ma how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they
ask. "It's okay here," she replies. "But they keep stopping
me from farting!"
LittleMo
« Reply #13 on Sept 27, 2006, 8:42pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's complaining of problems “down
below”. The doctor gave the man a specimen jar and suggested he return
the following day with a sperm sample. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the still empty jar. The doctor asked
why there was no sperm sample in it and the man explained: "Well, doc,
it's like this - First I tried with my right hand - nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand - still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand – nothing, she tried with her left hand - still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Mavis, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked!
“You asked your neighbour to help!” he spluttered. “Yes,”
said the old man “but the lid still wouldn’t budge!”
LittleMo
« Reply #14 on Sept 28, 2006, 12:08am »
bloke goes in a clock makers and asked the clock maker to make him a clock
made of potatoes, clock maker said he had never had this request before but
he thought he could make on, said to the bloke give me a week and come back.
a week later the bloke came back and was given his clock made of
potatoes, clock maker asked him why he wanted to have a clock made of potatoes,
well said the bloke I went for a job interview last week went really well,
was offered the job but only problem was i was told I had to get a potato
clock
LittleMo
« Reply #15 on Sept 28, 2006, 10:22pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY!
Two mates, Tommy and Harry, set off for a hunting weekend. A few
miles from their cabin their car runs out of petrol. Seeing a farm nearby
Tommy sets off to see if he can get help. The farmer is more than happy to
oblige and gives him a can of petrol. He then asks a favour in return. He
has two horses in a nearby field. One is a white mare and the other a black
stallion. The stallion has something wrong with his brain and needs to be
put down but the farmer can’t bring himself to do it so he asks Tommy
if he’d shoot the horse between the eyes to make his death as quick
and as painless as possible. Tommy agrees to do it and sets off back to the
car. He decides not to tell Harry about the “deal” he struck and
thinks what fun he’ll have instead. The two men continue their car journey
only stopping when Tommy sees the two horses in the farmer’s field.
“Just stopping here to get some target practice,” he says to Harry
and, with that he strides over to the field, takes aim and shoots the black
stallion right between the eyes. Harry is mortified and asks “can’t
you get in trouble for doing that?” Tommy looks around at the deserted
fields and lanes and says, “Who’s going to know?” Harry
thinks about this for a while and says “Quite right” then takes
aim and shoots the white mare between the eyes!
LittleMo
JOKE OF THE DAY
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor
I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It
never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least
10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting
because it doesn't smell and is silent." The doctor says, "I see.
Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The following week
the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the
heck you gave me, but now my silent farts stink awful!” "Good,"
the doctor says, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's see what
we can do for your hearing."
LittleMo
« Reply #17 on Sept 30, 2006, 6:41pm »
TWO JOKES FOR TODAY FOLKS
A nurse walks into the bank to cash a cheque. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Great, great, just great," she sighs to the cashier. "That means some a***hole's got my pen."
In a hospital one day are two little boys lying on trolleys, waiting
to be taken to the operating theatre. The first boy says to the second "What
are you in for?" He replies, "I'm having my tonsils out." "Oh
that's not too bad" reassures the first "they just put you to sleep,
then when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream!" The
second little boy then asks the first what he's in for. To which he replies
"A circumcision." The second boy says "I had that when I was
born, I couldn't walk for a year!"
LittleMo
« Reply #18 on Oct 1, 2006, 10:40pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
A man sits down at a table in a small cafe. The waitress comes over
to ask the man what he would like to order. "I'll have a quicky please."
He replies. "How dare you!" she says before she slaps him in the
face and turns around and storms off. Five minutes later, when she has calmed
down, she comes back to take his order. Again the same thing happens. By this
time an elderly lady has come in and sat down at a nearby table. Resisting
the urge to laugh she turns around and says to the man: "I'll think you'll
find it's pronounced quiche!"
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LittleMo
« Reply #19 on Oct 2, 2006, 1:43pm »
hi mo
one of my favorite jokes is the one where a man is getting drunk
in a pub and he gets talking to a man called Arthur he says to Arthur i am
fed up with my wife i wish i could bump her off Arthur says i will do it just
give me £1 the man says OK and they make a plan the man says his wife
goes shopping Thursday morning she always wears a red coat Arthur says to
the man to ring him with the code word arty when his wife enters the shop
the man dose this and Arthur runs in sees the woman in the red coat and strangles
her as he is leaving he sees another woman in a red coat so he kills her too
so the headlines in the next mornings paper were ARTY CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND
AT TESCOS
StevenFicus
Reply #20 on Oct 3, 2006, 12:12am »
JOKE OF THE DAY
A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double vodkas, the barman asks, "bad
day?" The bloke replies "yes, I just found out my brother's gay!"
"Oh you'll get used to it,” replies the barman. The following day
the man re-enters and again orders 6 double vodkas. "Not another bad
day?" asks the barman. "Yes" replies the man, "I just
found out my other brother’s gay too."
"Have an extra one, on the house,” offers the barman. Two days
later the man returns to the pub, looking more depressed than usual, he sits
down and orders 6 double vodkas. The barman asks, "For heaven’s
sake, does no-one in your family like women?" "Yes,” he replies
"it seems my wife does!"
LittleMo
« Reply #21 on Oct 3, 2006, 9:01pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
Four guys met up for a drink in a pub. One guy leaves to go to the
toilet leaving the other three guys chatting. The first guy says,” I
was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him
a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact,
he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new "Mercedes"
for his birthday." The second guy says,” I was worried about my
son too because he started out raking leaves up in the grounds of an Estate
Agent’s home. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned
salesman, eventually he was able to buy out the whole company and he’s
so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors
in a stockbroker’s building. Well, he got a break, they made him a broker,
and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so successful that
he just gave his best friend £2 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy returns from his trip to the toilet and the first 3 explain
they are swapping stories about how well their kids have done. Fourth guy
says,” Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment.
He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years.
In fact, I just found out that he's GAY and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I
try to look on the positive side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes,
a new house, and £2million in stock for his birthday!"
LittleMo
« Reply #22 on Oct 4, 2006, 8:28pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
A man’s wife was viewing her reflection in a full-length mirror and
he overheard her mutter “I wish I was 10 again!” As it would soon
be her 50th Birthday he decided to surprise her and make it a day to remember.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops then drove her to the Alton Towers Theme Park. What a day! They
tried their luck on the sideshows such as the hoop-la, hook-a-duck, and the
like. They even won a small Winnie the Pooh bear. They spent all their spare
coins on the fruit machines. They then tried every ride in the park –
The Corkscrew, Rita – Queen of Speed, Oblivion, Submission, Enterprise,
Ripsaw, Nemesis and The Blade. All were thrilling and daring. In between rides
they ate Popcorn, Hot Dogs and Candyfloss. Six hours later they staggered
out of the theme park. Their heads were reeling and their stomachs felt upside
down. They went off to McDonald’s and each had a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a chocolate milkshake. Then they went off to see the cartoon movie
“Over The Hedge” and ate more popcorn washed down with fizzy cola.
He then presented his wife with a Cadbury’s chocolate egg, her favourite
treat. What a fabulous adventure they’d had! Finally they wobbled home
and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife and, with a big
smile he lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being TEN again?"
Her eyes slowly opened as realisation dawned on her "I meant –
I wish I was Dress Size 10 again, you idiot!"
My thanks to Tommy for this one. I had to "tweak" it a
bit to make it more "English" but thought it funny enough to include
here.
LittleMo
« Reply #23 on Oct 5, 2006, 8:21pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
There was a boy who wasn't developing very well in his "down-stairs department".
So his mum took him to the doctor to get him examined and see if there was
anything the doctor could do. "Well there isn't much wrong" said
the doctor, "but if you feed him lots of toast, it should soon rectify
itself". So the next day, the boy comes home from school and there is
a massive pile of toast on the table - about 30 pieces high. "Awwww mum,
is that all for me?" asks the boy. "No, the top two slices are for
you - the rest is for your dad!"
LittleMo
« Reply #25 on Oct 6, 2006, 1:32pm »
big white hunter, hunting in the jungle comes across a beauiful naked girl,
says to her , hey are you game,she replies "yes", ! so he shoots
her !
WynWilliams
« Reply #28 on Oct 6, 2006, 7:45pm »
The Headmistress and Janitor of a private Girls' School were fed up of finding
lipstick lip impressions on the mirrors in the toilets. The Headmistress isolated
it down to one class and called them all into the toilets, along with the
Janitor. She then asked the Janitor to clean it all off the mirror "like
you usually do". As they all watched, he dipped his mop into one of the
toilets then wiped the lipstick off the mirror. No-one ever put their lips
on the mirror again.......
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Lisa R
« Reply #29 on Oct 6, 2006, 8:12pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
An elderly lady goes into a supermarket and takes 3 tins of cat food and walks
up to the checkout to pay. “Sorry, but I can’t let you buy these”
says the cashier. "Why not?" asked the old lady. "We need proof
that you own a cat. You see, according to government research, some old people
are known to take cat food home and eat it themselves," explained the
cashier, "and the government insists we ask for proof." "Hold
that thought," said the old lady. She rushes home and comes back holding
her cat, and the cashier lets her buy the cat food. The next day the same
old lady comes in and tries to buy 3 tins of dog food. "Sorry, I can't
let you buy these," said the cashier. "We need proof that you own
a dog, because government research says……” "Whatever!"
snapped the old lady. She rushes home and brings her dog in and buys the dog
food. The next day the old lady comes in, holding a large tank with a hole
on the top. "Stick your hand in there," said the lady to the cashier.
Not wanting to offend the old lady the cashier sticks her hand in. "This
feels like sh*t," said the cashier. "Yes,” says the little
old lady – now can I buy four rolls of toilet paper?"
LittleMo
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« Reply #30 on Oct 6, 2006, 9:13pm »
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The tax man visits a Synagogue to look at the books. He asks the Rabbi "What
do you do with all the leftover bread from the Sabbath?" The Rabbi replies
"We send it all back to the bakers and they send us a complete loaf".
Taxman then says "What do you do with all the leftover wax from the candles?"
Rabbi : "We send it all back to the candlemakers and they send us a complete
pack of candles". Taxman then says "What do you do with all the
skin from the circumcisions?" Rabbi: "We send it to the taxman and
they send us a complete p r i c k like you".
« Last Edit: Oct 8, 2006, 2:33pm by Lisa R »
Reply #31 on Oct 7, 2006, 6:23pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Three balloons: daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon. Daddy balloon
says to baby balloon, “look son, you are getting too big to sleep with
mummy and daddy, you’ll have to sleep in your own bed now”. Baby
balloon protests, “but I like sleeping with you and mummy”. “No,
you aren’t sleeping with us anymore!” says daddy balloon. “Okay”
says baby balloon sadly. Early the following morning baby balloon wakes up
and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room,
so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still
no room, so he unties his mummy’s knot, also lets some air out and ties
her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some
air, and ties himself up again, he finally has enough room and snuggles down
with mummy and daddy. The next day they all wake up and daddy balloon is really
angry. He said “Son, I am really disappointed with you, I said you couldn’t
sleep with us anymore. Now, you've let me down, you’ve let your mummy
down and you’ve let yourself down too!”
LittleMo
Reply #32 on Oct 7, 2006, 10:09pm »
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the elephant is a bonny bird it flicks from bough to boughit makes its nest
in a rhubarb tree
and whistles like a cow
Patricia
« Reply #33 on Oct 7, 2006, 10:12pm »
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one fine day in the middle of the night two dead men got up to fightback to
back they faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other
Patricia
« Reply #36 on Oct 8, 2006, 5:49pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A young farmer buys a few sheep and a ram, hoping they’ll breed and
so increase his stock. He rings the local vet to ask what signs he should
look for to indicate that the sheep are pregnant. The vet says that pregnant
sheep stop standing around and instead lie down and wallow in grass. After
a few months, he notices that none of the sheep appear to be pregnant so he
phones the vet for further advice. The vet does some tests on the ram and
comes to the conclusion that he is fact sterile! The farmer can’t afford
to buy another ram so the vet suggests giving the sheep artificial insemination
and writes down the phone number of a technician. When the farmer rings the
technician he discovers that it’ll cost a fortune to have each sheep
artificially inseminated and, even then, there’d be no guarantee it
would work. The farmer decides to impregnate them himself so he loads the
sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them
all then brings them back to the farm and goes to bed. He decides to do this
every day for a week to be on the safe side. On the seventh day he is so tired
he can’t even get out of bed. He asks his wife to look out of the bedroom
window to see if any of the sheep are lying down in the field. She answers,
“No, they’re all sat in your Land Rover and one of them is beeping
the horn!”
LittleMo
« Reply #37 on Oct 10, 2006, 12:19pm »
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An elderly lady takes her pet duck to the vets saying that it doesnt seem
well. The vet examines it and pronounces the duck dead. The elderly lady demands
a second opinion so the vet goes into the waiting room and brings back a Labrador
dog. The dog sniffs at the dead duck and shakes its head. The vet then brings
in a cat, who sniffs the duck and shakes its head. The vet then confirms that
the duck is definitely dead. "That'll be £250" says the vet
to the lady. "What, £250 to tell me that my duck is dead?"
"Well" said the vet "thats the going rate for a Lab Test and
a Cat Scan".
Lisa R
« Reply #38 on Oct 10, 2006, 9:50pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A man comes home from work early one day to find his wife working out with
some expensive weightlifting equipment. “What on earth have you wasted
all our money on this stuff for?” he asks. “I’m trying to
make my breasts bigger” she replies. “Well you don’t need
all this equipment for that, just wipe between them everyday with toilet tissue”
he says. She looks puzzled and asks “how would wiping them with toilet
tissue help?” He replies, “Well look what it’s done to your
bum!”
Thanks to everyone who has contributed jokes - please keep them coming!
LittleMo
« Reply #39 on Oct 11, 2006, 10:17pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A young boy, around ten years old, walks into his local grocer's store and
picks up a large box of Persil soap powder. When placing it on the counter
the grocer asks if he’s doing the laundry for his mother. “No”,
says the boy “My dog needs cleaning!” “Ah!” said the
grocer “in that case you shouldn’t use soap powder – it
could make the dog ill or even kill it!” The boy ignores the advice
and buys the powder. A few days later the boy returns to the store to buy
some candy. The grocer asked how his dog was and the boy replied, “Oh,
he died!” The grocer said, “I’m sorry to hear that but I
did TRY telling you not to use soap powder on him!” The boy replies,
“It wasn’t the soap powder that killed him – it was the
spin cycle on the washing machine!”
LittleMo
« Reply #40 on Oct 12, 2006, 10:03pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
The Norse God of thunder, Thor, was going along the clouds on his
chariot shouting, "I'm Thor I'm Thor"! After 5 minutes of hearing
this his horse gets fed up. It turns round and says, "you think your
Thor, I'm tho thor I can't pith."
LittleMo
« Reply #41 on Oct 13, 2006, 7:28pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A young and beautiful woman gets into a lift in a shopping precinct, smelling
strongly of expensive perfume. An old lady wrinkles her nose at the overpowering
smell and is informed airily, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets into the lift and also smells strongly
of expensive perfume. The little old lady again wrinkles her nose and is informed
snootily, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!" About three floors
later, the old lady has reached her destination and is about to get off the
lift. Before she leaves, she turns toward both beautiful women, squeezes out
a fart and yells “Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!"
LittleMo
« Reply #43 on Oct 13, 2006, 7:58pm »
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A man goes into a library and asks the librerian for a book on how to commit
suicide, top shelf she said so he went and looked but no books, came back
and told the girl, she replied no they never bring them back!
Thomas Lomas
Reply #44 on Oct 13, 2006, 8:38pm »
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Hi Joe, Little Mo once told us that she got her jokes from a loo roll that
someone had bought her for Christmas. Its posted on the Funny Bones site if
you want to look at it.
Lisa R
Reply #45 on Oct 13, 2006, 10:47pm »
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Joe, sorry but I can't reveal my sources or you'd all be off checking out
where I get my jokes from and you'd never visit MY spot on Manmates now would
you?
Seriously though, a lot are jokes my dear departed dad told me - in fact he
used to clip out jokes from newspapers and magazines, whenever he saw a joke
he considered to be "his" originally. On one visit he gave me an
envelope containing all these clipped jokes, all so neatly stacked that I
thought it was a wad of cash! LOL
We moved house 2 years ago and the jokes got packed away in one of the boxes.
I've yet to rediscover them! Had I known he was going to pass last year I
think I'd never have let them out of my sight!! It'll be fun when I do finally
find them - I'll be able to post them on manmates and it'll be like having
a tribute to him!
LittleMo
« Reply #46 on Oct 13, 2006, 11:00pm »
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Oct 13, 2006, 8:38pm, Lisa R wrote:Hi Joe, Little Mo once told us
that she got her jokes from a loo roll that someone had bought her for Christmas.
Its posted on the Funny Bones site if you want to look at it.
SORRY but I'm afraid "Little Mo" was telling porky pies when she
posted that reply. In fact she felt so guilty she even went and DELETED it
in the hope no-one had SEEN it! LOL
I inherited my father's sense of humour I'm afraid but it doesn't come across
as humerous when put into print. Thank goodness my dad never had a p.c. or
even knew how to work one because the biography he'd have left behind would
have been a bl**dy joke book!! I get my jokes from numerous sources - look
at my last post before this one, on FUNNY BONES. Again my apologies to anyone
taken in by the bog roll "joke".
LittleMo
« Reply #47 on Oct 14, 2006, 4:16pm »
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JUST FOR A CHANGE - SOME "Boom! Boom!" jokes
A body was found in the back of an ice-cream van; it was covered in hundreds
and thousands so the police think he may have topped himself.
Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin? The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!
2 bags of crisps are walking down the road on a windy and rainy night. A police car pulls up beside them and the policeman asks, "Do you want a lift?" They both reply "Sorry mate but we're Walkers!"
A man goes to see his doctor because he's having trouble with his hearing. "What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor. "They're a yellow cartoon family,” says the man.
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
A man walks into a pub with a roll of Tarmac under his arm. The barman asks, "Can I help you sir?" The man replies, "Yes I’ll have a pint of lager… oh and one for the road please.”
B O O M ! B O O M !
LittleMo
« Reply #48 on Oct 15, 2006, 5:45pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Jesus was standing in for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man
shuffled up to him.
"Name?" asked Jesus.
"Joseph" replied the old man.
"Occupation?" asked Jesus.
"Carpenter" replied the old man.
"Any children?" asked Jesus.
"Just one, a boy" said the old man.
"Really?" asked Jesus becoming curious to know more.
"What was your son like?" asked Jesus
"He was different to anyone I’ve ever known” said the old
man
“He was sweet and innocent and didn’t bare malice!"
"Not once did he complain about the nails he had in his hands and feet!”
Jesus looked at the old man and said, "Father?"
The old man peered back and said “………………...Pinocchio?”
LittleMo
Reply #49 on Oct 16, 2006, 5:39pm »
JOKE OF THE DAY
Two snakes resting on the branches of a tree. The first one asks “Sidney,
are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and
crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey
and bite them and they are poisoned to death?” The second Snake says,
"Why do you ask?" The first one replies: "’cos I’ve
just bit my lip!"
LittleMo
« Reply #50 on Oct 17, 2006, 8:13pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A baby turtle was standing at the base of a large tree and with a deep sigh,
started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked
along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself
off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he
shook himself off, walked back to the base of the tree and with a sigh started
to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked
along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again,
he landed at the bottom, shook himself off, went to the base of the tree,
sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the
branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't
you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
LittleMo
« Reply #51 on Oct 18, 2006, 2:54am »
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As we may prepare to send some presents through the post lets reflect upon
a friend we may know of. Joe wishing to buy a gift for his sweetheart, visited
a ladies department store with his mother. After much consideration Joe decided
on a pair of gloves and his mother bought a pair of bloomers for herself.
Somehow the parcels got mixed up at the store and Joe sent the parcel containing
the bloomers to his sweetheart with the following message.
Dearest:
Just a little token to remind you that I am thinking of you at Chistmas time.
I chose these for you because I thought you needed them, as you have not been
wearing any the evenings we are out together. Had it not been for the clerk
I would not have bought you long ones with buttons, but she said the were
wearing them short these days. They are a delicate colour, but the clerk showed
me a pair she had been wearaing for two weeks and they were hardly soiled
at all. Ruth and Amy both tried them on and they are a perfect fit. How I
wish I could put them on for the first time myself, but I shall be content
by looking forward to the time when I shall be able to gallantly kiss the
back of them. The clerk said that each time you take them off, you should
blow in them to remove the moisture. Lots of love Joe.
p.s. Ruth says that the latest style is to wear them unbuttoned and hanging
down so as to give the wearer a carefree look.
Avros
« Reply #53 on Oct 18, 2006, 6:35pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
An elderly woman was driving her equally elderly husband through the outskirts
of Manchester. A police car began tailing them before indicating that she
should pull over. The policeman approached the car and waited for her to wind
down her window. The officer asked, "Madam, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did
he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The
policeman says, "May I see your licence?" The woman turns to her
husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He
wants to see your licence!" The woman gave the policeman her licence.
The policeman says, "I see you are from Oldham. I spent some time there
once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The
old man yells, "He said he’s met you before!"
LittleMo
« Reply #54 on Oct 18, 2006, 7:43pm »
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quasimodo came home from a hard days bell ringing and saw his wife in the
kitchen with a wok in her hand AH said quasi we are having chinese for tea
, No she said Im iroing your shirts?
Thomas Lomas
Reply #55 on Oct 19, 2006, 4:59pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least
one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
"I know your secret" even when you don't know anything. The boy
decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front
door he says, "I know your secret!” His mother quickly hands him
£10 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased,
the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I
know your secret!” The father promptly hands him £20 and says,
"Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy
is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the milkman leaving their
milk. The boy greets him by saying, "I know your secret!” The milkman
stops what he's doing, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug!"
LittleMo
« Reply #56 on Oct 19, 2006, 11:51pm »
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The milkman was rattling his bottles early one day as he approached Tommy's
house. Tommy asked the guy how things were going on in the area. Good good
was the reply. But Tommy replied after, I am in a big rush to get back to
my party. What kind of party are you having Tommy?. It's an all day and night
affair. The ladies in the room are all naked and blind folded. Sounds great
said the milkman. Oh yes. As well the guys have their trousers off. Sounds
even better replied the milkman. Tommy tells him the idea of the game is for
the ladies to guess whos thingy they are holding. Fantastic says the milkman.
Can I come in and play?. No bloody way replies Tommy. Your name has been mentioned
twice allready.
Avros
Reply #58 on Oct 20, 2006, 4:10pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young
lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment
with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get
a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that...
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
LittleMo
« Reply #59 on Oct 20, 2006, 8:42pm »
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an old age pensioner was driving down the motorway when his mobile phone rang,
answering he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman I just heard
on the news there is a car going the wrong way on the motorway be careful,
Heck said Herman its not just one car its hundreds.
Thomas Lomas
PAGE 3
« Reply #60 on Oct 20, 2006, 11:22pm »
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three retirees, each with a hearing loss ,were taking a walk one fine march
day. one remarked to the other Windy, aint it; no the second man replied its
thursday, and the third man chimed in, so am I lets have a coke.
Thomas Lomas
« Reply #61 on Oct 20, 2006, 11:36pm »
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a man goes to the doctor and after a thorough examination the doc tells him
I have some good news and bad news, what would you like to here first? Well
give me the bad news first Doc, you have cancer, I estimate that you have
about two years left, Oh No said the man thats awful my,life will be over
What news could you probably tell me after this Doc.. you also have alzheimers
in about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Thomas Lomas
« Reply #63 on Oct 21, 2006, 5:34pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to
talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, and when
you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong if something bad should happen
between you. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love
and passion whenever you need it". Adam asked God, "What will a
woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then
Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history…………
LittleMo
« Reply #64 on Oct 21, 2006, 7:26pm »
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what is the first thing your husband said to you this morning? he said where
am I cathy? and why did that upset you? why because my name is susan
Thomas Lomas
. Reply #65 on Oct 22, 2006, 6:07pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the chap panics thinking the
neighbour is going to hate him forever. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit
into the house and gives it a bath; blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit
back in the hutch in the neighbour’s garden, hoping they’ll think
it died of natural causes.
Following day he bumps into his neighbour and asks "How's things?"
The neighbour replies, "Not too good mate - our rabbit died so we buried
it. The following day we found his body back inside the hutch, someone had
dug him up, give him a bath and put him back in the hutch. There are some
really sick people out there!"
LittleMo
« Reply #66 on Oct 23, 2006, 4:48pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
In court a Judge faces the man in the dock and says,” on the 3rd of
August 2005 you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with
a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the
dock. A man at the back stood up and shouted, “You dirty rat!”
The judge tapped his gavel and shouted, “Silence in court!” The
Judge continued "..... and that also on the 3rd of August 2005 you are
accused of killing your best friend by beating him to death with a hammer,
how do you plead?” "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again
a man at the back stood up and shouted, “You dirty, rotten rat!”
Again the judge demanded “Silence in court!” But the man, still
standing, shouted, “You dirty, rotten, stinking rat!” At this
point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already
asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I shall have
you removed from the courtroom. I understand your feelings but you must refrain
from commenting. Were the victims relatives of yours?” “No”,
says the man, “I’m a neighbour”. “Then why are you
harassing this man?” the judge asks. The man says, “Twice I asked
if I could borrow a hammer and twice he told me he didn’t have one!”
LittleMo
« Reply #67 on Oct 23, 2006, 11:27pm »
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Meant to tell you Jean - I met one of hubby's workmates and his wife the other
day and she had a really nice hairdo, very expensive clothes, well-manicured
nails and very expensive perfume on. Now I happen to know that, like me, she
doesn't work. Like us they have a huge mortgage. But whereas they have two
sons and a daughter we only have the one son. Anyway, once they'd gone out
of earshot I asked my hubby if he knew how she could look that good and yet,
really they should be worse off than us. He told me that his workmate had
confessed that he had to pay her anytime he wanted an "early night".
I suggested that we do the same thinking that I'd build myself a nice nest
egg up. Anyway, that night, sure enough he wanted an early night so I reminded
him that he'd have to give me some money first. All of a sudden he turned
over and started to go to sleep so I asked him what the matter was. He said
he didn't have any cash on him so I got out of bed. He asked me if I was mad
with him and I replied "no, I'm just getting my purse so I can lend you
some money!"
« Last Edit: Oct 24, 2006, 12:38am by Little Mo »
Reply #68 on Oct 24, 2006, 1:12am »
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Doctor doctor I can't stop singing this one song. What is the song ask's the
doctor? Gee all day and night I keep singing - The Green Green Grass of Home.
That sounds like a Tom Jones syndrome. Said the doctor. Is it common? Asks
the patient. Well. Said the doctor. IT'S NOT UNUSUAL
Avros
Reply #69 on Oct 24, 2006, 2:56am »
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The aircraft is about to crash and a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces . If I'm going to die I want to die feling like a woman. She
removes all her clothes and asks. Is there someone on this aircraft who's
man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up and takes of his
shirt and says. Here, iron this.
Avros
Reply #71 on Oct 24, 2006, 5:49pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Three friends meet up for a coffee. The conversation turns as usual, to their
lazy partners. First friend says, “If I didn’t do all the cooking
my husband would starve!” Second friend says, “If I didn’t
do all the ironing mine would go naked!” Third friend says, “If
I didn’t wake him up each morning he’d never go to work!”
They all decide it’s time to take a stand and change their men. They
agree to meet up the following week to compare notes. At their next meeting
the first friend says, “I told my husband he had to learn to cook. First
day I didn’t see anything, second day still didn’t see anything
but by the third day he’d cooked us a roast dinner!” Second friend
says, “I told my husband that he had to start ironing things. First
day I didn’t see anything, second day still didn’t see anything
but on the third day I came in from the garden and he’d ironed all his
things AND mine too!” Third friend said, “I told my husband that
he had to get himself up for work from now on. First day I didn’t see
anything, second day still didn’t see anything but by the third day
the swelling on my eyes had gone down and I could see just a little bit!”
LittleMo
Reply #72 on Oct 24, 2006, 10:32pm »
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A couple of drinking tales. Two men having a drink together. One says. I had
sex with my wife before we were married. What about you? I dont know, says
the other man. What was her maiden name?
Avros
« Reply #73 on Oct 24, 2006, 10:45pm »
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Patrick and Michael go to a pub and see a sign saying. Buy a double whiskey
and get a chance for free sex. Right away they both bought a double whiskey.
They both then enquired how do they get free sex. It's simple said the barman.
I think of a number between 1 and 10 and if you guess right you get free sex.
Okay I guess 3 says Patrick. No says the barman. Next day another double whisky
for the boys. Patrick guesses 2. Sorry wrong was the reply, better luck next
time. The following day more double whiskies. This time Patrick guesses 6.
No sorry wrong again. - Patrick turns to Mickael and says. Y'know I'm beging
to think this contest is a rigged. Oh no no says Michael. My wife tried last
week and won three times.
Avros
« Reply #74 on Oct 24, 2006, 10:56pm »
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Two young lads go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits to having
sex with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, It wasn't Mary Jones
was it? No father was the reply. The priest asks, was it Angela Brown? No
father the boy answered. It wasn't Jane Carter, by any chance.. no father
the boy again replied. The priest gives up and says. Well for you pennance
say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box. When
the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. The boy replies. Not bad ,
a $5 and three great leads.
Avros
Reply #75 on Oct 24, 2006, 10:58pm »
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There's nothing wrong with sex on the TV --- As long as you don't fall off.
Avros
Reply #77 on Oct 25, 2006, 12:22pm »
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Hi Mo
A friend of mine who has just had a vasectomy recieved the following e-mail:
"There's a new drink on the market called 'vasectomy' it's 'Dry Sack'
on the rocks!".
Moonshine
« Reply #78 on Oct 25, 2006, 12:34pm »
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God says to Adam "go give Eve a hug". Adam: "What's a hug?"
God explains. After a minute or two Adam returns and God asks if he enjoyed
it to which adam replied "yes". "Now" says God, "go
give Eve a kiss". Adam: "What's a kiss?" God explains. After
aminute or two Adam returns and God asks if he enjoyed it to which Adam replied
"very much". "Now" says God go and make love to Eve. Adam:
"What's 'making love'?" God explains and off he goes only to return
half a minute later. Adam says "God, what's a headache?".
Moonshine
Reply #80 on Oct 25, 2006, 6:12pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Two not-so-bright fishermen decided to rent a boat on a nearby lake.
They chose a quiet, tranquil spot and set up their equipment. An hour passed
and they caught no fish so they move the boat. Again an hour passed, still
they caught nothing and so moved the boat. Finally, after a few minutes they
are rewarded with their first catch. For the next hour they catch around twelve
fish each and decide to call it a day. One fisherman turns to the other and
says “we should mark this spot and come again another day”. The
other fisherman agrees, gets out an aerosol can of paint and promptly sprays
a large X on the bottom of the boat. The other fisherman looked at him in
disbelief and said, “Why did you go and do that? Now anyone who hires
this boat will know where all the fish are!”
« Last Edit: Oct 25, 2006, 6:15pm by Little Mo »
« Reply #83 on Oct 26, 2006, 2:15pm »
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A man walks into the vets with his cat.
" It's just been run over, vet, could you check him out for me " ?
The vet says " I'm sorry, but your cat is dead "
" But you just can't say that by looking at him" he said. " I need a more professional opinion "
OK says the vet - I'll bring out my pet Labrador to look at him.
So, the Labrador looks at the cat and goes " woof " !
Next, he brings out his pet Siamese cat.
The cat takes a look at him and goes "meeoww "
The vet says " yep, you're cat is definitely dead, and here's you're bill for 500 pounds "
"But ' says the man - why does it cost so much ?
The vet says - " well. I was going to charge you 5 qiud, but once you involve a Lab test and a
Cat scan - that's where the money is !
Clive Dawber
A doctor visits his patient in hospital.
He says " I've got good news - and I've got bad news "
Patient : " What's the bad news ?
Doc : " We've amputated the wrong leg "
Patient : Whats the good news ?
Doc : " You're other leg is going to get better !
Clive Dawber
« Reply #85 on Oct 26, 2006, 2:30pm »
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Geoff Boycott goes to the doctors.
Excuse me . doc, but I've got this cricket ball jammed in my bum "
The doc says " how's that ?
Geoff. " Don't you bloody start !
Clive Dawber
« Reply #86 on Oct 26, 2006, 5:13pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A cabbie driving round the streets of Manchester picks up a late night fare.
As he drives towards the address given the passenger reaches forward and taps
him on the shoulder. The driver screams, loses control of his car and swerves
onto the wrong side of the road, narrowly missing a bus full of passengers.
He ends up mounted on the pavement just inches from a huge plate glass window.
The cabbie turns to the passenger and says, “look pal, don’t EVER
do that again, you scared the living daylights out of me!” The passenger
apologised and explained that he hadn’t realised his “little tap”
would have scared him that much. The cabbie replied, “Sorry, it wasn’t
really your fault, this is my first day driving a taxi – for the past
20 years I had driven a hearse!”
Thanks for all the recent contributions - I see I have competition
eh? Wouldn't mind but I'm seeing jokes I've never seen before! Bring them
on!! LOL
« Last Edit: Oct 26, 2006, 5:15pm by Little Mo
Reply #87 on Oct 26, 2006, 5:17pm »
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A muslim woman came to the door last night,but i wouldn't open it.I spoke
to her through the letterbox ,lets see how she ....... likes it
Joe Taylor
Reply #88 on Oct 26, 2006, 5:42pm »
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Hi Clive, Sorry but I beat you to that one if you look on the jokes page,
worded a little differently, but still the same joke......
Lisa R
Reply #89 on Oct 26, 2006, 9:37pm »
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Tommy and Joe go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells
them they will each get a car depending upon how faithful they were in life.
Tommy's record was very good. He had been married for 24 years and was completely
faithful - so he gets a Rolls Royce. On the other hand, Joe had five affairs
during his marriage and only gets a third hand Ford Fiesta. A week later the
two meet up in Heaven. Joe meets up with Tommy crying by the road side. What's
the matter?. Asks joe. I thought you would be enjoying the Rolls Royce. I
was replies Tommy, sobbing. But then I just saw my wife go by on a Skateboard.
Avros
PAGE 4
« Reply #90 on Oct 26, 2006, 9:51pm »
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The wonders of science these days. A woman goes to hospital to have a baby
and is shown a machine that can transfer all the pain related to childbirth,
to the father. The womans husband agrees, looking at his wife in distress
and he is hooked up to the machine. The labour is long and difficult, but
the husband feels no pain at all. The doctors are mystified as to why no one
was suffering. However all is okay and the couple and baby are sent home.
The next day the husband rings the hospital and says. I think I know why I
wasn't feeling any pain. When we got home, we found the milkman dead on the
doorstep.
Avros
Reply #91 on Oct 27, 2006, 2:04am »
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A few doctor jokes -- Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. For goodness
sake pull yourself together. Doctor, doctor I think Im a bridge. What comes
over you? Two cars a truck and a bus. Doctor, doctor I've just swallowed a
pen. Well sit down and write your name. Doctor, docter I've hurt my arm in
several places. Well don't go there any more
Avros
« Reply #92 on Oct 27, 2006, 2:25am »
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Hi Babs did you hear the joke about City and United - United turn up at City's
ground pregnant doging like hell for having to play agaist this rubbish team.
Listen to me now lads replies Fergie, it's on the books lets get it done..
Tell you what boss replies Rooney. I could beat these lemons on my own on
my own. Okay says Fergie the rest of us will go to the bar and cheer for you.
After a while Fergie finds out the score is 1 -0 for United. Magic boy that
Rooney he tells the rest of the team. Later on they find out the game finished
in draw 1-1. All the team is horrified now and they race back to ground. There
they see Rooney with his head in his hands. What happened asks Fergie. Sorry
boss replies Rooney. The referee sent me off after 12 minutes.
Avros
« Reply #94 on Oct 27, 2006, 6:30am »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is one of those stories that get bandied around the net, but it's new
to me and I think it's priceless ...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two
kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and
talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with
a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through
an umbrella cord."
(She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement).
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.]
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this."
[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!"
[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff,
they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Casso
Reply #95 on Oct 27, 2006, 6:46am »
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Hope I didn't filch this one from ManMates ...
Good King Wenceslas rings up his regular pizza parlour. Yes sir may
I take your order. Yes indeed. - The usual please -
deep pan, crisp and even.
Casso
« Reply #96 on Oct 27, 2006, 4:06pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
The Managing Director was dictating a memo to his secretary. As she stood
up to leave she noticed his fly was open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know
your barracks door is open?” He blushed and hurriedly put things right.
After a liquid lunch and feeling braver he approached his secretary. “Miss
Large, when you noticed my barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier
standing to attention?” “Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old
war veteran sat on two duffle bags!”
LittleMo
Reply #98 on Oct 27, 2006, 9:04pm »
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To all our dear Australian ladies who frequent this site often, perhaps still
smarting over loosing the "Ashe's" to the homeland - a cricket joke.
An expectant father rings the hospital to see how his wife is getting on.
Due to a cross line he is put through to the Sydney Cricket club during one
of their games. How's it going.? The father asks. Fine, was the answer, come
on down to see. We got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch.
The last one was a duck.
Avros
Reply #99 on Oct 27, 2006, 9:11pm »
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This lady an avid Manchester City supporter arrives at the ground midway through
the second half. Whats the score she asks?. Nil nil , was the reply. Gee thats
not good replied the lady. What was the score at half time?.
Avros
Reply #100 on Oct 28, 2006, 9:22pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A reverend visited an elderly couple as they were about to sit down to dinner.
They invited him to stay and join them but he was a bit reluctant to do so
as the dishes looked a little grubby. “Have those dishes been cleaned?”
he asked. The wife replied, “Of course reverend – they are as
clean as soap and water could get them!” The reverend realises that
it may be rude to decline their kind offer and so joins them for the meal.
As soon as they’d all finished eating the wife placed the dishes on
the floor and shouted to her dogs “Come, Soap, come Water, clean the
dishes!”
LittleMo
« Reply #101 on Oct 29, 2006, 5:14am »
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A part of the country not mentioned so it's ok to talk of it. An Essex girl
is involved in a traffic accident. The paramedic rushes to her aid. Where
abouts are you bleeding from.? he asks. Well. says the girl, since you ask
, bleeding Romford.
Avros
Reply #104 on Oct 29, 2006, 12:25pm »
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Hope no one takes offence at Chinese proverbs?
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel c*cky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Lin
« Reply #105 on Oct 29, 2006, 12:32pm »
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NAGGING WIFE
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Lin
« Reply #106 on Oct 29, 2006, 2:14pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Managing Director was dictating a memo to his secretary. As she stood
up to leave she noticed his fly was open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know
your barracks door is open?” He blushed and hurriedly put things right.
After a liquid lunch and feeling braver he approached his secretary. “Miss
Large, when you noticed my barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier
standing to attention?” “Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old
war veteran sat on two duffle bags!”
Lin
Reply #107 on Oct 29, 2006, 4:46pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Three Englishmen exploring the jungle were captured by a group of
natives and the chief explained that they must die so their skins could be
used to build a new canoe. The chief then told them they could choose how
to die. The first man chooses a pistol and shoots himself in the head. The
second man also chooses a pistol and shoots himself in the head. The third
man asks for a fork and then promptly begins to stab himself all over. The
Chief is aghast and points out that it’ll be a very slow and painful
death. “Yes” says the man, “but at least you won’t
be using MY skin for your canoe!”
LittleMo
« Reply #108 on Oct 29, 2006, 4:51pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oct 29, 2006, 2:14pm, lin wrote:The Managing Director was dictating
a memo to his secretary. As she stood up to leave she noticed his fly was
open. “Ooh, Mr Small, did you know your barracks door is open?”
He blushed and hurriedly put things right. After a liquid lunch and feeling
braver he approached his secretary. “Miss Large, when you noticed my
barracks door ajar did you notice a proud soldier standing to attention?”
“Why no, Mr Small, but I did see an old war veteran sat on two duffle
bags!”
Sorry, Lin, beat you to it with this joke - see Post #96 on Funny Bones -
LOL (guess it must've been one of those jokes that stuck in your mind)?! Someone
repeated one of Lisa's joke a few days ago and someone else did the same with
someone elses so I guess it's a senior moment we all keep having! LOL
LittleMo
« Reply #111 on Oct 30, 2006, 4:11pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
A friend of mine has just celebrated her 50th Birthday and has been using
various skincare products for some years now, she regularly has her hair styled
professionally and has always looked after her figure. Recently she asked
her husband, “Darling, if you didn’t know me, what age would you
say I look?” Thinking about this carefully he replied, “judging
by your skin, about 30, going by your hair I’d say 25 and looking at
your figure, probably 20!” “Oh, you flatterer! Thank you!”
“Hold on” he says “I haven’t finished.... got to add
them up yet!”
LittleMo
« Reply #112 on Oct 31, 2006, 10:26pm »
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HALLOWEEN JOKE OF THE DAY
A chap left a Halloween Party early and decided to take a short cut home through
the cemetery. Half way into his journey he heard a “tap, tap, tap tap....
“ noise coming from one of the graves. Trembling with fear he noticed
an old man using a hammer and chisel on one of the gravestones. Relief flooded
over him and he said, “Blimey mate, you had me going there for a minute!
Why on earth are you working so late?” “Oh, sorry” said
the old man “but I’ve only just noticed that some fool spelt my
name wrong!”
LittleMo
« Reply #113 on Nov 1, 2006, 9:54pm »
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JOKE OF THE DAY
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by
the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them
for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The
second patient jumps feet first into the pool and breaks both legs. The third
patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're
a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. "Well
Doc, I can't swim!"
LittleMo
Reply #115 on Yesterday at 1:54am »
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Its ages since I had a job interview. However, Tommy goes for a job interview
and is asked what sort of employment package he expects. Well replies Tommy
what I expect is a starting salary of $40,000, six weeks holiday a year and
a Jaguar for the company car. - Okay says the interviewer. How about this?
We pay you $50,000 a year, rising to $80,000 a year. After two years. You
get eight weeks annual leave. You get your own secretary and a PA and we promote
you to a board member after four years.? Wow. Was Tommy's reply. You've got
to be joking. I am, replies the interviewer. But you started it.
Avros
« Reply #116 on Yesterday at 2:01am »
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An applicant is filling out his job application form. When he comes to the
question. Have you ever been arrested?. He answers, no. The next question,
intended for people who had answered in the affirmative, was. Why.? The applicant
wrote down - Never got caught.
Avros
« Reply #118 on Yesterday at 1:02pm »
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To Alan and everyone,
As from tomorrow (Friday) I've decided to post just one joke each week on
Funnybones (on a Friday) instead of daily - this is to give other people more
encouragement to post their own favourite jokes. At least I hope it will encourage
more people to post jokes??
LittleMo
PAGE 5
Reply #120 on Yesterday at 5:52pm »
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A bit naff, but hey it's better than nothing..lol!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver'
and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco BellChihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
“Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Lin
« Reply #121 on Yesterday at 8:19pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple that had been living together for 10 years decide to get married.
She demands the best of everything and even buys a designer dress for the
occasion. The limousines are booked, the lavish flowers ordered, a hall and
marquee, which could fit in 1,000 guests, was booked, a well-known photographer
was hired and a honeymoon in Hawaii paid for in advance. Everything was going
well until the morning of the wedding – the groom couldn’t find
his new shoes anywhere so the bride who was having her make-up applied by
a beautician and her hair professionally styled suggested he “look under
the bed”. Fortunately he found his shoes and, as he retrieved them he
noticed a box marked “Premium Bonds”. He shouted through to his
bride-to-be, “Darling, I found a box marked ‘Premium Bonds’
under the bed, know anything about it?” “Oh, sure” she replied.
“I decided that each time I was unfaithful to you I would buy £50
worth of Premium Bonds.” He is relieved when he lifts the lid and the
box is empty. His bride-to-be then adds, “I cashed them in to pay for
the wedding!”
Lin - loved your joke about the 3 dogs - "liver alone"
"cheese mine" - never heard that one before!
LittleMo
Reply #122 on Nov 3, 2006, 8:18pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ladies talking together and the conversation turned to food. The other
day one lady says, I sent Harold to the vegatable garden and asked him to
pull out a cabbage for supper, he dropped dead as he was pulling the cabbage
up. Oh dear, her friend replied. What did you do.? The lady replied. I had
to defrost some peas.
Avros
« Reply #126 on Nov 9, 2006, 1:36am »
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It's spring time in Italy and the day is warm, yet overcast. The two nuns
are byclycling home having been out to the market. Their baskets in front
of them are full of produce. A sudden lightening strike alarms them both.
Lets hurry now my dear; says the Sister, it would not be nice to be caught
in any rain. Follow me now and we shall be home soon. On they pedaled and
so in turn they took some back streets. The younger of the two nuns spoke
up in surprise. Sister, I have never come this way before. Smiling over to
the new and exicted nun, the Sister replied with , a wry smile. It's the cobblestones
my love.
Avros
Reply #127 on Nov 9, 2006, 9:59pm »
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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told
his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful
women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to
her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company
of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of
dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town
the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
LittleMo
« Reply #128 on Nov 9, 2006, 10:35pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A labrador moves home with his family and goes exploring the new neighbourhood.
He comes across an Alsatian, a German Shepherd, a Border Collie and a miniature
poodle. He asks them all to introduce themselves and say what their favourite
pastime is. The Alsation says, "Hi my name is Alfred and I love going
in puddles!" The German Shepherd says, "Hi my name is Gerry and
I love going in puddles!" The Border Collie says, "Hi my name is
Bruce and I love going in puddles!" The Miniature Poodle says, "Hi,
my name is............................ Puddles!"
LittleMo
« Reply #130 on Nov 12, 2006, 10:52pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a “running” joke. Please feel free to ADD to
it and let’s see how long and interesting we can make it? Please send
me a PM with your sentence(s) and I’ll add them to the original joke.
So it’s over to YOU….
My name is Stuart Harold Young and I am a Private Investigator –
I guess you could call me a SHY PI? I am working on a very important case
at the moment – my suitcase, the zip keeps jamming! A tall, beautiful
lady has just walked past my office window. She must be tall; my office is
on the third floor! A few minutes ago there was a tap at my door, I opened
the door and explained that the plumber is on the next floor up. Yesterday
I was in the park at lunchtime enjoying a ham sandwich when this beautiful
blonde rolled her eyes at me. Being the gentleman that I am, I picked them
up and rolled them back. In an amusement arcade last night I walked past a
one-armed bandit. He was holding up the cash clerk with his one good arm –
seems she was falling down drunk!!
About a month ago I took on a new client, a beautiful redhead… no hair,
just a red head! She wanted me to follow her husband who was “playing
away”. I followed him for a few weeks but to be honest dart matches
just don’t do it for me!
« Last Edit: Nov 28, 2006, 4:46pm by Little Mo »
Reply #131 on Nov 14, 2006, 7:54pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to be is to do......Socrates
to do is to be ......Sartre
do be do be do...Sinatra
Thomas Lomas
Page 6
« Reply #163 on Nov 25, 2006, 7:39pm »
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a guys on the electric chair. The wardens just about to pull the switch when
the guy gets the hiccups. the warden says do you have any last requests? the
Guy says (hic) yeah (hic) could you please do something to scare me?
thomaslomas
Reply #165 on Nov 27, 2006, 12:03am »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Tommy for this one:-
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "It should have been an "E" and we missed the "R" out altogether. It should have been an "E" and we missed the "R" out altogether!" I cannot believe we missed out the "R"! His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was "CELEBRATE"!"
LittleMo
« Reply #166 on Nov 27, 2006, 3:25am »
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He Mo Have you heared about the craze for Ecstacy - impregnated bubble gum
thats sweeping the Yorkshire dance clubs? Its called - E ba Gum.
Avros
« Reply #172 on Nov 29, 2006, 2:59am »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Australian Chricket team in England last year were on a sight seing tour.
The bus was full of players and coaching staff. -During the tour the driver
shouts out. 'And if you look to your left you'll see were going past the biggest
pub in the City. - a voice from the back shouts. 'Why?
Avros
« Reply #173 on Nov 29, 2006, 10:37am »
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A man staggers into his doctor's surgery, his face black and blue. The Dr
asks what happened and the man replies; 'I was playing golf with the wife
and she sliced her ball into an ajacent field where cows were grazing. We
climbed over the fence to look for it and searched for ten minutes without
success. I then had an idea and walked up to one of the cows and lifted its
tail and behold, there was her golf ball well and truly embedded. I said "This
looks like yours", ------ I don't remember much after that!'
Moonshine
Reply #179 on Dec 3, 2006, 11:26pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The month is December and Brian the Postman is about to retire in the New
Year. He is given ‘light duties’ on his last few weeks and is
told to read and reply to all the ‘Dear Santa… letters’.
One such letter stands out more than the rest - little Tommy writes,
“To Santa, I have been a very good boy this year and all I want is a bike. Nothing more, nothing less…. Just a bike. My daddy is in prison after being framed for fraud and my mummy is in hospital giving birth to my little brother or sister. I am staying at the following Foster Home. Please, please send me a bike. Thanking you lots and lots from Tommy”.
Brian is so moved by the little boy’s plea that he decides to have a whip round and manages to raise £50. In his lunch hour he goes off to the local bike shop and asks what type of boys bike can he buy for £50. The shopkeeper explains that the amount would only buy a basic bike, no mudguards, no lights, no saddlebag, no tyre pump and no bell. Brian decides that at least the kid would have a bike and so goes ahead with the purchase, takes it back to work, wraps it up carefully and pays for the postage out of his own pocket. Early January he is reading all the ‘Dear Santa’ replies when he comes across one from Little Tommy. It reads,
“Dear Santa, thank you so much for the bike – I am now
able to do a paper-round on it and earn some pocket money. Mind you those
thieving swine’s at the Post Office stripped it of all its “extras”
and I’ve had to buy mudguards, lights, saddlebag, tyre pump and bell
myself!”
LittleMo
Page 7
« Reply #180 on Dec 3, 2006, 11:29pm »
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Just a thought MANMATES members - What's your favourite seasonal JOKE?? I've
just posted my favourite and hope you enjoy it! SEASONAL GREETINGS TO EVERYONE
ON MANMATES!! Hope you all have a great Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
LittleMo
« Reply #181 on Dec 4, 2006, 2:47am »
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hi Mo hope you like this one! three wise men arrived to visit the child lying
in the manger one of the wise men was really tall and bumped his head on the
low doorway as he was entering the stable Jesus Christ he said Joseph said
write it down Mary its better than Clyde take care tommy ox
tommy. m
« Reply #184 on Dec 5, 2006, 10:55pm »
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One of the presents I bought my hubby last Christmas was a book entitled,
“How to be the Man of the House”. A few weeks later, once he’d
finished reading it, he came into the kitchen and demanded that I forget the
washing up and run him a bath instead. While he relaxed in the bath I was
to cook him a nice vegetarian dinner and a lovely chocolate desert. After
his bath and meal he was going to put his feet up and watch t.v. while I waited
on him hand and foot. Before bedtime I was to massage him in aromatic oils
and then let him “have his way with me”. He added, “In the
morning you’ll need to wake early and bring me breakfast in bed and
then… guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” I
quickly replied, “our local funeral director!”
LittleMo
Page 8
This page has come about because ManMates Member Mo (Maureen Wardley) started a joke thread on the general board with the title "Funny Bones." I have decided to to add it to the main site because it has become so popular that most member's have contruted to the thread, and still do.
Many thanks to all members
Funny Bones, a full page by Lin
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Updated: 11/12/2006
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