Latest Joke

28 Rules to being a man

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.

Ever.

Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue or yellow

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.

End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

Ever !

SUBJECT: DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Top 40
Funny Foreign Signs

40. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

38. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

37. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

36. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

35. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

33. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

32. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

31. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

30. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

29. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

28. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

27. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

26. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

25. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

24. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

23. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

22. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

18. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things, please do not read notis.

16. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

15. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

14. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

12. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

11. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

10. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

9. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

7. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

6. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

4. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.

1. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Outgoing personality - always going out of the office.
Great presentation skills - able to bullshit.
Good communication skills - spends lots of time on the phone.
Work is first priority - too ugly to get a date.
Active socially - drinks a lot.
Independent worker - nobody knows what he/she is thinking.
Quick thinking - offers plausible excuses.
Careful thinker - won't make a decision.
Uses logic on difficult jobs - gets others to do the work.
Expresses themselves well - speaks English.
Meticulous attention to detail - nit picker.
Has leadership qualities - is tall or has a loud voice.
Exceptionally good jugdement - lucky.
Keen sense of humour - knows a lot of dirty jokes.
Career minded - back stabber.
Loyal - can't get a job anywhere else.
Plans for promotion or advancement - buys drinks for everyone.
Of great value to the organisation - gets to work on time.
Relaxed attitude - sleeps at the desk.

SYSTEM INFORMATION FOR MALE USERS

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as BoysNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same only to discover that when these two systems detected each severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law,
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 2003; it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling
Any ideas?

a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left for several time, other, they caused soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
unstable stored in Wife about them.
can, without have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
requiring ShoeShop to be reinstalled every other week.
These me that they are an illegal operation.
crashes. which can't be turned off.
problems. detects Mistress itself.

>BLIND PILOT
>
> Passengers on a small commuter plane are
> waiting for the flight to leave.
> They! 're getting a little impatient, but the
> airport staff assures them that
> the pilots will be there soon, and the flight
> can take off.
>
> The entrance opens, and two men dressed in
> Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are
> wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
> other is tapping his way the aisle with a cane.
>
> Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but
> the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
> engines start up.
>
> The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
> searching for some sign that this is just a little
> practical joke. None is forthcoming.
>
>
> The plane moves faster and faster down the runway,
> and the people sitting in the window seats realize that
> they're headed straight for the water at
> the edge of the airport territory.
>
> As it begins to look as though the plane will
> plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
>
> At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly intothe air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
> sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
> magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
> plane is in good hands.
>
> In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot
> and says,
>" You know, Bob, one of these days, they're
> gonna scream too late......... and we're all
> gonna die."