Russel Boyd wakes up with a slight hangover and a pair of reindeer antlers on his head. It's Christmas time and he clearly went to a party last night, but he doesn't remember much about it. As he walks to the bathroom, he passes a woman in the living room She says hello and he replies, but continues on through the living room Before he gets there he stops. He walks to the living room, where the woman is now sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee, wearing only what looks like one of his shirts. Russel asks her who she is as he doesn't remember. She replies that she's Elly. She asks him if he slept okay. She comments that she slept really well. Russell's bed is really comfortable. She felt like it was sucking her in and that she was powerless to resist... Elly then looks Russel up and down. Russel suddenly becomes aware that he's wearing the reindeer antlers - and nothing else. He goes away and finds an apron and ties it around his waist.

Russel returns to the living room and hunts around for some other clothing, finds a T-shirt and pulls it over his head. He admits, he's slightly embarrassed because if he's honest, he doesn't know who Elly is, or how she got into his flat. Elly isn't surprised, Russel was stoned last night after smoking some rather strong dope, someone called them tai sticks. Russel suddenly remembers something about tai stick - he thought it was a kind of sati...

He asks if he made a complete prat of himself. Elly says he didn't, he was actually quite sweet. He spent all night staring down her top and trying to make up pet names or her breasts. Apparently they reminded him of his two imaginary friends he had when he was little. "What Derek and Colin?" he asks. "Dead ringers apparently," she says.

The fire alarm starts ringing and Elly says that her breakfast is ready. While Russel hits the alarm with a broom, Elly is tucking into her bacon and eggs. She tells him to sit down and have some breakfast, but Russel refuses. He has a delicate stomach which refuses to eat anything that once had parents. He outs some pills into some water to help with his headache instead. Elly tells him she comes from Oldham, but has been living in London for a few years now. She's also lived with a French sculptor who wanted her to stay and be his muse, but she didn't fancy it.

Russel sits at the kitchen table and starts to say his has plans for today, but Elly interrupts him by asking when she's due back. Who? he asks innocently. "Your wife," she replies. What gave him away? Well there was the matching curtains and duvet cover, the stack of Marie Clare in the bathroom and the fact that there's bacon in a vegetarian's fridge. Russel says his wife is away visiting her mother, a big woman from Poland, it being Christmas and all. She's due back today, and he tries to rush her through breakfast. Elly asks ask if what he said last night about being a musician is true. It is, Russel says he writes the music for car adverts on telly. Elly stops him before he can go any further by announcing she's finished breakfast. Russel looks slightly disappointed, but Elly points out she can't stay around here all day. What would he say to his wife? Hello darling look what I found on the end of my penis this morning?

At the front door Russel looks around outside before letting Elly out - he doesn't want the neighbours to see her. Before she leaves she give Russel a big kiss, leaving him a little stunned as he shuts the door behind her. Then he hears her calling him from the street so he opens the door. She tells him to wave goodbye to Derek and Colin and lifts up her shirt to show him her breasts! He starts to wave before he realises how silly it is and shuts the door. He leans on the back of the door with a more stunned expression on his face.

Later, Russel has told his good friend Luis while they are out for a jog around Ally-Pally. Luis can't believe that Russel was unfaithful to Susanna. Russel says if he's honest things haven't been great between him and Susanna for a while. No, what Luis can't get over is that Russel found someone stupid enough to sleep with him! What did he do? Slip in before the machine were turned off?! Actually, she was nice Russel says, unusual, quirky, interesting.

Luis asks how long things been a bit off between Russel and Susanna. After the wedding reception things hit a bit of a sticky patch. Russel actually thinks what happened with Elly may turn out to be good for his marriage. When Susanna finds out it will mean the end of his marriage, Luis says. She'll get custody of his testicles, he says and will only be allowed to visit them on weekends and holidays! Russel insists Susanna won't find out, besides it didn't mean anything, it was a one off, no emotional involved. What about the guilt factor, Luis asks? The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks he's nothing to feel guilty about. Men like Russel always feel guilty, Luis says.

Russel returns home and is reading a magazine on his bed when he stops a hair. It's a blond hair - Elly's hair was blond. He flies into panic mode and folds the hair up in some toilet roll then flushes it down the loo. He returns to the bed only to find more hairs, all over the place! He gets a roller designed to take lint off of suits. He attacks the bed with a vengeance only to resort to a hoover when that doesn't do the trick. (Some very funny scenes here, he falls of the bed and even gets his hair trapped in the hoover at one point).

Eventually he's happy with the bed and goes to watch some telly in the living room. The Venessa show is on (A UK chat show) and today's topic is cheating husbands, and what happens when a one night stand ends in AIDS. This is a possibility Russel hasn't thought of, and he starts to panic again. He has to resort to breathing into a brown paper bag, but it isn't helping!

Russel has to speak to Luis, but he's working. So he goes to the club where Luis works and arrives in time to catch his act. Luis is gay, and is up on stage in a shocking red dress singing "You think your a man, you're only a boy". As Russel tries to make his way through the crowd to the backstage dressing room he trips and lands against a rather butch looking gay man. His watch becomes snagged in the man's chest hair, but he says nothing when Russel points it out to him. Russel (being a bit afraid of this man) takes off his watch and tells the man to keep it, it makes a statement - gay men are better time keepers! The man grabs the watch and pulls it off. Russel winces, but accepts his watch back.

In the dressing room Russel helps Luis out of his dress. He then explains that he's in trouble - he thinks he's got AIDS. How? With Elly, Russel says. How does he know she has AIDS, Luis insists. She lived in Paris, with a sculptor Russel protests. Whittling granite is not considered a high risk activity in the EU, beside Russel wore a condom didn't he. Russel looks a bit sheepish, he's not entirely sure if he did wear one. He was a bit out of it. He stops something on his arm and wonders if it's AIDS related. Luis takes a look and says he's being stupid, it the imprint from his watch! Are there any testing kits for AIDS, Russel asks. Luis laughs, no that's pregnancy he says. Beside AIDS can have a gestation period of years, he only had sex a few days ago. Why doesn't he just ask Elly, Luis suggests. What? Just ask her if she's given me AIDS, Russel protests. Isn't that a bit on the rude side? No Luis says, ask her if you wore a condom! That would be better, Russel says. You think?

Luis gives Russel a lift home, and they talk on the way. Russel asks if Luis has ever slept with a woman. "Wouldn't know how," Luis replies, "what about you, have you ever slept with a man?" All men look ugly naked, Russel says, and that includes him. When he was younger he could only do the "m" word with the curtains drawn and the lights off. (Sorry 'bout that - but children could be reading this you know, and the show is shown well past the watershed!). Russel asks why Luis doesn't go out with men either, "Who'd have me," he replies. By not even trying though, he could be missing out on the one possibility that's out there Russel protests. Luis jokes that relationships are like Mexican food, "they seem like a good idea at the time." Luis asks if Russel is truly happy. "Truthfully? No," Russel says.

The following day Russel visits his agent, Alistair. Alistair is a eccentric man who isn't particularly great at getting Russel any good gigs. He's dressed in a pale orange suit which doesn't quite suit him. He's on the phone as Russel appears at his door, but he quickly ends the call, saying one of his boys is here. He holds his arms open wide and asks Russel to give him a hug. Russel pictures Alistair tied to a poll, blindfolded asking for a hug, while he tells a firing squad to put him out of his misery. Alistair grabs Russel round the head and plays with his hair. Russel tries to ask about getting some better jobs when Alistair interrupts him, asking if he's been working out. He's looking a bit trim. Alistair has a personal trainer himself, some Australian nonce. But his bum now feels like a bag of walnuts. Russel find Alistair's bum in his face and he's being asked to see for himself how hard Alistair's bum is. He politely declines!

When Russel was first taken on by Alistair he said Russel had great potential to compose film scores. However to date, the highlight of his CV has been a yoghurt campaign on regional radio. (An opus to dairy produce, as Alistair describes it!). Russel says he's sorry if he appears ungrateful but... Suddenly Alistair is on his feet saying, "NEVER APOLOGISE TO ME!" The day Russel came through his door, he saw talent, passion and ambition. "It's because of these qualities that you are here now, busting my balls," he says. Russel is a bit taken aback, and says he didn't mean to bust his balls, but Alistair says he wants him to! "The day you stop busting my balls is the day you stop caring as an artist. You hold my balls in the palm of your hand, my balls are you balls. You own my balls Russ!" Russel doesn't know what to say except, "thanks". If he could just see that things were moving in the right direction... Alistair then tells him he has something big for Russel. Is it on TV? Yes - give or take the pictures. It's on radio...Russel's face drops. Not just radio, but national radio! Okay, so what's it for? Golden Chuncks - dog food. "The UKs top canine Or-Dorve Russ," Alistair corrects him!

Alistair leaves Russel to mull it over while he goes off to powder his nose. Russel can't stop saying the word S*&T - he's clearly not happy! He then spots Elly out the window, and completely forgets about the dog food. Elly is in a raised platform tending to the window box plants outside Alistair's first floor window. Russel can't open the window as it's covered in plastic sheeting, but a window in the next office is accessible. He opens it and calls out her name. Sadly Elly is leaning over the side of the platform and falls through the guard rail. She manages to catch hold of the rail, but she's swinging around and shouting Russell's name. Russel climbs out the window and tries to get to the platform to help her out. Sadly he's afraid of heights (or more accurately it's the falling from them that he has the problem with!), so he isn't getting very far. Elly on the other hand has managed to get a foothold and climbs back onto the platform. She moves it over to Russel to help him down. He asks if they can talk, and they go off to a small cafe.

Russel manages to pluck up the courage to ask if he took precautions the other night. Besides making sure his wife wasn't there you mean? She confirms that she always carrys a condom with her in case of emergencies and relief floods his face. He's nothing to fear. Russel says he doesn't know what she's talking about, pretending that's not why he asked. The conversation stops. He then admits he's a pig, saying he seduces her, practically throws her out the following day, nearly kills her and then accuses her... "You didn't seduce me," Elly corrects him. Well not technically anyway, she was on top. Really? His face lights up, he's always....he then notices Elly isn't smiling so stops what he's saying. He asks if she'll forgive him for the way he's behaved. Okay, seeing as he bought the coffee's she says. But shouldn't he be off composing sexy car ads? Russel admits, it's dog food rather than cars.

Later we see Elly and Russel walking through a park that evening. She asks why he got married. It was mainly because of his mother-in-law he says. Were they in love? Russel supposes so, Susanna was the first real girlfriend he'd ever had. "All the rest being inflatable?" Elly quips. "Naturally," he replies. What about Elly? Any significant other, Russel asks. Not at the moment, besides there're things she wants to do, like swim with dolphins and star in a movie with Kevin Spacey. Russel asks why she "you know", with him.

"As soon as I saw you I knew I had to have you," she replies.

"Really!?" he says.

"Of course not! You made me laugh."

"And that was before you saw me naked?" he jokes.

She admits she liked him, still does really. Russel says he likes her too, but he's found out recently that he just doesn't have the emotional constitution to have an affair. Elly admits she's disappointed, but she understands. They say their goodbyes and she walks off towards a nearby tube station.

Russel is lying in bed when the phone rings. It's his wife, she's exhausted. She's spent the whole day buying Christmas presents for the family in Poland. She asks what he's been doing with his time, and he says "the usual". Has he spoken to Alistair? Not yet... Susanna starts moaning that Russel can't write jingles for dog food all his life. She tells him she'll be getting the early train back the following day and will be back around lunch time. Russel says he'll see her then. He then tells her he loves her. She replies that she loves him to.

Russel puts the phone down. We hear some jingle bells and the camera panes to the bedroom doorway. Standing there wearing only the antlers and an apron and holding a try of sandwiches is Elly. "Snack time" she says and falls into Russell's waiting arms!

The End

Staring

Alan Davies as Russel Boyd Victor McGuire as Luis Banks Kate Jackson as Elly Jackson Paul Trussel as Alistair Cranwell Kate Isitt as Sussana Boyd Steve Robin as Leather Clone Venessa Feltz as herself