A hotel in London is surrounded by loads of security guards. All the cars in the car park are being checked for bombs, and people entering the hotel have to wear passes to get in. A man stands at a podium giving a speach to those assembled. His name is Douglas. He talks of conspiracies and claims he has uncovered a global conspiracy involving the British government, organised crime and extreme political groups. As he speaks we see a gun being assembled by someone. Douglas will shortly publish his findings, but he fears he maybe prevented from doing so, and even fears for his life. A bullet fires from the gun and slowly fades into the opening credits for the episode...

The bullet continues through a glass plate (the teleprompter) and Douglas screams. He shoots up in bed - it was just a dream. His wife, Judith, isn't too happy at being woken up in the middle of the night. She claims he's paranoid, and that his re-occuring dream is just because he's so tied up in knots about the conference.

In a room not that far from the hotel a group of people are having a meeting. Justin stands on a stage talking to a room of people. Sadly the room isn't as full as it could. "Killing this," Justin points at a picture of Douglas, "instrument of the liberal state oppression will really put us on the map. It will be our first, major blow towards building a cleaner, safer society. A Christian society. A society in which people have the right to carry arms. In which they have the right to be right."

Justin starts to talk about how the ten of them will tackle Douglas, but a man in the audience pips up that some one couldn't make it so there are only nine of them. "Well that's just bloody typical isn't it." Justin says stage...

Three men are walking across a large hotel room. A huge TV screen displays a picture of Douglas. Two of them are Mr. Buistrode and Mr. Lacey. They have hired a man called Swift to kill Douglas as they work for people who wouldn't like what Douglas has to say to get out. Swift has read the file and understands why Douglas must not be allowed to make his speech. He must also get Douglas's book of notes. He carries it with him at all times.

In a foreign country three Arab men in uniform are listening to their general. He hands them a small silver case after thumping a picture of Douglas on his desk...

Annabell sits in her rather pink bedroom holding a picture of Douglas. She's clearly had an affair with him, but he chose to stay with his wife. Annabell is clearly a mad woman as she pretend her toy bunny can talk. She plan on kissing Douglas and then cutting him to pieces as she still loves him...

Meanwhile Judith is talking with a woman called Magda about killing her husband. No-one is allowed to read his note book, not even her, but the publishers are all dying to get their hands on it. And what better way to ensure sales than to have the author of a conspiracy book suddenly die under suspicious circumstances?

Jeannie arrives at the offices of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) and hears Jeff talking to himself in his office. Only he's not talking to himself, Marty is floating a pen to show Jeff his newest power. Jeff isn't all that impressed and take the pen and wobbles it himself. Marty decides to move onto a bigger object in the office and tries to move the filing cabinet. Sadly all he manages to do is pass wind wafting a piece of paper up to Jeff's hand just as Jeannie show their latest client in. It's Douglas.

Marty is amazed that he can pass wind and effect objects. "Did you see that?" he asks Jeff.

"Didn't manage to move the filing cabinet though did you?" Jeff replies. A confused Douglas wonders why Jeff is telling him about his filing cabinet, but Jeff manages to cover up by saying he really must move that filing cabinet some time (as if talking to himself). Jeff comments that he's read about Douglas in the papers. He's due to give a speech at the paranoia conference. Douglas says Jeff understands then how he isn't the most popular man in some circles. Douglas explains he's worried that someone will try and stop him from giving his speech at the conference.

Marty is now in full swing and while Jeff and Douglas are talking proceeds to make Jeff's roller-deck spin round. The paper he was able to move suddenly starts to float up and down beside Jeff, much to the bemusement of Douglas. Jeff grabs the piece of paper as Douglas comments on the funny smell now in the room. Jeff agrees and tells Marty to stop it.

Jeff opens a window and wonders why Douglas is so worried. His speech at the paranoia conference will be covered by loads of security, so why does he need Jeff's services? Douglas explains although there will be loads of security, he's not sure he can trust anyone. How does he know he can trust him though, Jeff asks? Douglas realises he can't and proceeds to walk out of Jeff's office saying he's sorry for wasting his time. Jeff runs after him, saying he was only joking and to come back in so they can discuss it.

Douglas arrives at the hotel where the conference is being held with Judith, Jeannie and Jeff in tow. A man called Richard Shelley comes out to great them. He's head of security for the conference. Douglas introduces Jeff as his secretary, and in turn Jeff introduces Jeannie as his secretary. Jeannie isn't sure what to say and simply says she has no secretary. Richard smiles at Jeannie and turns to lead the way into the hotel. They are all given security passes and Douglas is lead to a spot where the press can take some pictures. Richard asks if he can take Douglas's brief case but Douglas refuses and hangs onto it for dear life. One of the press men turns out to be Swift.

Annabell can also be seen in the background pretending to be a maid in the hotel. Also the woman Judith was talking to earlier catches her eye, and motions for Judith to come and have a chat. Judith excuses herself and says she'll meet Douglas in their room later.

Meanwhile Wyvern is helping a restless sole ascend to heaven. She leaves in a bright light. Marty then arrives, but doesn't care what Wyvern is doing, he is eager to show Wyvern his new trick. "Watch this!" he says and lifts his leg, passes wind, and knocks a plant off the table. Wyvern isn't impressed, and tells Marty to take things more seriously. He asks how Marty is getting on with levitation. Marty says fine and floats a tea cup distractedly. Wyvern can tell Marty is bored, but after another poem about secrets that be can bestow, he tells Marty there is nothing he can't do if he puts his mind to it.

Douglas, Jeannie and Jeff walk into the room where Douglas will be giving his speech. It's exactly like Douglas's dreams, and he's convinced someone will kill him. Jeff tries to reassure him, saying the security is excellent, and there's always him as a last line of defence. Douglas then opens his case, and gives his notebook to Jeff telling him to look after it. Jeff refuses at first, but finally agrees after Jeannie says she'll take it.

A car pulls up to a gate house and while the guard goes to check someones' pass, the camera pans down the fence to a group of people plotting. It's Justin and three of his group. They each have some dynamite and one of them starts to cut a whole in the fence. Unfortunately the fence is electrified, and it accidentally sets of the fuse to the dynamite. Justin and the rest of his men do a runner and leave the other poor man to explode!

Jeannie and Jeff are walking the corridors of the hotel. Jeff says that they must find a safe place to hide Douglas's notebook. Jeannie says she knows the perfect place - no-one will ever look there, and proceeds to put the book down Jeff's trousers!

Justin and co cover up the body of their departed friend. This will not deter them, Justin says. It will simply spur them on...

Mr Buistrode and Mr Lacey are sitting on a bench by the hotel golf course discussing the conference. The programme seems quite interesting if somewhat unbelievable. There's even a lecture talking about the theory that all this criminal activity can be linked to wealthy banking families in order to create a one world government.

Jeff joins Douglas for a round of golf. On the way to the first tee they pass some people playing archery. Jeff says golf isn't really his game, and Douglas confesses it's not his either. He just needed to get out of the hotel and get some fresh air. He was beginning to feel claustrophobic, like he was being watched. As they walk off, Magda turns round with a rather large bow and arrow in her hand and follows them...

Jeannie is with Richard in the control room for security at the conference. She asks what happens if there is a power cut. Richard explains that a secondary system will automatically kick in. He assures her that his organisation has handled security the security of many high profile events, and they haven't lost anyone yet. Jeannie wishes she could say the same for her organisation.

Jeff prepares to tee off while Douglas explains that he used to work for the government. But then he found out about certain things, and his conscience wouldn't let him continue. He started to compile the information he found out into his book. Jeff takes a swing at his ball just as Marty appears and shouts "Fore". Needless to say Jeff's ball ends up in the rough and he goes off to retrieve it, Marty in tow.

Marty asks what Jeff is doing. Jeff explains that he's a body guard looking after Douglas. Marty isn't convinced that Jeff could body guard anyone especially on his own. To prove his point he kicks Jeff up the bum, but his foot goes through Jeff un-noticed. Jeff protests, and anyway he isn't on his own, Jeannie is with him. Jeannie? As Jeff walks back to the green, Marty fades out to go and find Jeannie.

Douglas prepares to take his shot on the golf course. Hiding in the bushes is Swift with a large sniper rifle. He has the perfect shot, Douglas is alone and in plain sight. Just as Swift takes his shot, another of Justin's men with his stick of dynamite stands up blocking Swift's view and taking the bullet meant for Douglas!

Douglas now takes a swing at the golf ball, and another of Justin's mean run onto the course dynamite in hand. He's shot in the back with an arrow! Magda's eyes flick towards heaven as she's missed her target, and like Swift, doesn't really care who she has killed.

Mr Lacey and Mr Buistrode watch Swift's progress from elsewhere on the golf course. They aren't impressed, and Mr Buistrode wonders if the term Organised Crime is a contradiction in terms.

Jeannie is still with Richard. She's clearly taken a liking to him, much to Marty's announce. He is hiding in a picture on the stairs as Jeannie and Richard make plans for drinks at the party that evening. Suddenly a horrible smell surrounds them and they leave in a hurry. Marty has obviously been practising his new found skills!

Judith meets Magda on a balcony overlooking the reception area of the hotel. She asks how it's going. Magda tells her that she missed earlier on the golf course. Judith says that they must secure the book, she'll get no money without the book. Judith tells her that Jeff has the book. Magda says she'll get it at the party this evening.

Meanwhile the Arabians arrive at an airport in England...

Marty pays another visit to Wyvern but he isn't in. Marty finds a note from him and picks it up to read it. Wyvern's sorry he's not around at the moment, but this is a good lesson to learn - he won't always be around. It then goes into another poem:

Only fools will try to change the past,
Re-tell the tale from first to last,
The future is approaching fast,
The present is a time we must not warst...

Marty works out the last word should be "waste" but this doesn't make him feel any better. He screws up the note and disappears to go and find Jeff. He finds him wandering the corridors of the hotel on his way to the party. He tells Jeff that Richard is after Jeannie. Jeff doesn't really believe him, but does add that sooner or later Jeannie does have to move on, she'll meet someone else, and Marty will have to let go. Marty does see one bright side to all this. At least it's not Jeff she's lusting after!

Jeannie enters the part with Richard. She tells him that she and Marty had been together for five years, and the decided to get married, and then...well it was like having an arm removed. Richard starts to tell her that he lost someone close too when Jeff arrives and interrupts them. Richard tells Jeff that he doesn't mean to be rude, but he is discussing something rather private with Jeff's secretary. Jeff says fine and excuses himself. Marty then joins him and spouts some of Jeff's early phrases about letting Jeannie go.. Jeff gets the point, but he's obviously not happy about it and asks Marty to leave him alone.

Buistrode and Lacey meet up with Swift at the party. They tell Swift that he jumped the gun a bit earlier on the golf course. He needs to get the book first...

Jeff stands alone looking longingly at Jeannie when Magda comes up to him. She just loves conferences, can you image all the naughty antics that will go on this evening? she says. She would have brought her boyfriend if only he was more adventurous. She establishes Jeff is single, and asks him how he feels about ropes...?

Douglas meanwhile is refusing to eat any of the food at the party because it might be poisoned. Judith is fed up with his paranoia and walks off in a huff.

Richard finishes telling Jeannie about how he lost his wife. She threw herself in front of an Ambassador and took a bullet that he should have. There's not a day goes by when he doesn't think about her. He left the agency and set up his own, and threw himself into his work. Funny how you can suddenly meet someone who understands what it's like to loose someone he says...

Jeff arranges to Magda in his room in five minutes, and rushes upstairs to get ready. Sadly he can't find any breath mints, so he chews some pot pourri! Magda arrives and immediately kisses him. She comments that his breath smells like orange blossom before dragging him into the bedroom! Jeff offers Magda a drink, but she's already on the bed trying to look alluring. Jeff takes a swig of something from the mini bar and smiles at her. Marty then appears on the bed copying Magda's pose and asks if Jeff isn't neglecting his duties. "Can't you leave me alone for five minutes?" Jeff asks him. Magda thinks Jeff is talking to her, so he covers by saying he just needs five minutes in the bathroom and motions for Marty to follow him.

While Jeff's in the bathroom pleading with Marty not to disturb him unless a meteor is coming, Magda searches Jeff's room for the book. Jeff tells Marty that there is enough security downstairs to keep an eye on Douglas, he's perfectly safe.

Some Arab men arrive at the main gate, but they won't be allowed in without a pass...

Annabell the would be maid, complete with her bunny and a pair of scissors makes her way to Douglas's room. She's going to cut all his clothes to pieces before she starts on him... for she loves him very much...

Justin meanwhile (the last of his band of men for all the others have been killed off in one way or another) stands on a balcony which is above Douglas's room. He has some suction cups and plans to crawl down the outside wall...

Douglas can't believe his own wife won't take him seriously, he could be violated at any moment! She's more interested about the secretary he violated, Annabell. Douglas reminds her that she knows his fling with Annabell is over, why does she have to keep bringing it up? He gets up and goes back to their room.

Annabell waits in Douglas's hotel room with her scissors. The door opens and she stabs him in the back, saying "bet you didn't expect that did you?" Swift turns round to face her and says no, he wasn't expecting it, and then falls on his back - dying instantly.

Jeff emerges from the bathroom so Magda stops her search of his room and proceeds to seduce him.

Justin starts his decent towards his target and Annabell is busy digging a hole to bury Swift in.

Magda starts to unbutton Jeff's shirt when she finds a picture in his shirt pocket. It's a picture of Jeannie, and sudden;y he doesn't want to be seduced by Magda anymore. He rolls away and stands up saying "It's very hot in here isn't it? Feel quite dizzy. All the blood seems to have rushed to my head."

Justin continues his decent - reaching a window and getting his dynamite out. Annabell says she knows she's not supposed to be killing people, but she did love Douglas, and it's not as if men are falling out of the sky is it? Her pink bunny is not terribly responsive. Jeff choose this moment to open his window, which Justin was sadly attached to. He falls to the ground and lands on Annabell!

Magda gets up and joins Jeff by the window. She starts to kiss him, and manages to find the note book which is still hiding down his trousers where Jeannie ut it! She removes it (saying he won't be needed it this evening) and pulls Jeff down onto the bed again. Jeff protests that he needs to keep an eye on the note book, but Magda kisses him into submission. Jeff reaches out and turns the picture of Jeannie over...

The Arab men refused at the gate, find the hole in the fence that Justin and co cut and walk through...

Richard and Jeannie are still downstairs talking. Jeannie tries to say thank you for letting her talk about things, but ends up babbling. Richard says he's been there, she can talk to him any time. Perhaps after the conference they could get together. Jeannie asks him what he's doing this evening. He looks at her surprised and says "Whoa there.." She only meant to talk some more, she wasn't about to give him her room number or anything.

"2100" Richard says. Jeannie looks surprised, but Richard explains he's head of security, he has to know where everyone is. He knows that Jeff and Jeannie have the rooms next door to Douglas. Douglas! Jeannie suddenly remembers why she's here. They look around and find Douglas has gone. Richard says he'll go look in Douglas's room while Jeannie looks around the party.

Jeannie finds Douglas surrounded by security guards sitting in the lobby. She drags him back to the party.

Magda asks if Jeff is comfortable. He can only nod. Good - she'll be right back. Magda grabs the book and sneaks out of the room. She doesn't get very far as Richard is waiting for her gun in hand. He takes the book and tells her to move.

Douglas starts wondering if he shouldn't give it all up and get on with his life. Jeannie points out this is his life, and that he's found out something important and he needs to tell the world about it. As long as he's with her nothing bad will happen to him. The three Arab men then turn up and ask for Douglas Milton. Security moves in and asks to see their ID badges, but they don't have any, so they are frog marched out of the party, leaving their silver case on a table...

Marty glances at the case and shouts after the men that they've forgotten to take their bomb with them. He tries to shout at the people at the party, but realises it fruitless. He must find Jeff! He appears in Jeff's room to find a poor Jeff tied to his bed and getting rather cold. He tells Jeff about the bomb, and Jeff asks Marty to untie him. Marty can't, because he's a ghost, so Jeff tells him he has to clear the room. Marty smiles and goes to it.

Down at the party suddenly there is a nasty smell in the room...everyone leaves including Douglas.

Jeannie tries to find Douglas, who is shouting out her name trying to find her. Douglas is being pulled along with the crowd, but Richard manages to spot him. Douglas asks what's going on, and Richard says he'll explain on the way to Douglas's room. He says there's been an incident, and although he isn't in any immediate danger, Richard would feel happier if Douglas was in his room.

They enter Douglas's room, and they see Magda slumped on the sofa blood on her stomach - she's clearly dead. Richard tells Douglas he think he knows what has happened. She was in the room waiting for Douglas, and he just wasn't there in time, and she killed Douglas, and then before she could kill him, Richard killed her. Richard then finds Douglas and the book, which being a dutiful citizen he gives back to the government, unless of course he gets a better offer. He places a gun to Douglas's head. Douglas comments that in some ways its a relief.

Before Richard can pull the trigger Jeannie comes knocking on the door. Richard answers it without opening the door very far. Jeannie says she can't find Milton anywhere. Richard tells her it's okay he's in the room with him, why doesn't she come in? Marty appear next to Jeannie telling her not to go in, he's only after one thing. Jeannie says she should really go and find Jeff, she hasn't seen him for ages. Richard says it's okay, Jeff's in the room too. Marty says he isn't and pokes his head through the door to see what's going on. He finds a scared Douglas hiding behind the door with a gun pointing at him.

He warns Jeannie not to go in, but it's no use, she goes in. She finds Magda and turns to Richard for an explanation. She finds he has a gun to Douglas's head. Richard pushes Douglas towards Jeannie and then starts talking about what a blood bath will be found...

Marty appears next to Jeff again, and tells him what's going on in the room next door. Jeff tells Marty to levitate something at Richard. Marty disappears next door.

Jeannie asks if Richard only came on to her to get close to Douglas. No, he says, the irony is that he is actually attracted to Jeannie. Jeannie's had enough and vaults over the couch with Magda on and kicks Richard's gun out of his hand and proceeds to punch him a few times. Richard laughs and tells her to stop, he doesn't want to hurt her. She kicks him where it hurts and he decides to hurt her. He smashes a bottom of wine over her head. Douglas picks up a near by lamp and raises it to hit Richard with, but Richard tells him to put it down. He does.

Jeannie then suddenly appears again and punches Richard. They fight for a bit, but Richard beats her in the end, and Jeannie ends up on the couch next to Magda. She asks if that story he told her about his wife dying was really true. Richard admits he changed a few of the details, like he was the one shooting at the Ambassador, and he doesn't really miss his wife, but other than that it's absolutely true.

Marty appears and tries to find something to levitate at Richard. He spots two vases nearby and tries to levitate them, but nothing happens. He then hears Wyverns voice telling him to concentrate. He tries again, and suddenly Jeff comes flying through the wall still tied to his bed and lands on Richard! Jeff asks if anyone is any good with knots?

Soon the police arrive and take Magda's and Richard's bodies away. Douglas thanks Jeff for all his help. Although he can't work out how Jeff got the bed through the wall. Marty is standing with them and smiles, looking forward to what Jeff will come up with. Jeff tries to explain by saying it was a contrived muscular spasm - he does a lot of yoga you see. Douglas doesn't seem totally convinced, but he walks away happy he's still alive.

Jeff comments that perhaps Douglas was right to be so paranoid, it seems like half the world was trying to do him in. Not to mention the bomb downstairs, Marty adds. The BOMB!

A cleaner is downstairs clearing up the tables when she spots the silver case. She goes to open it. Jeff runs into the room just as the cleaner opens the case...

It turns out to be a medal, which the Arab men have been trying to give to Douglas for his efforts towards fighting oppression. The medal is finally awarded just before Douglas gives his speech at the conference. As the medal is awarded, Jeff asks Jeannie if she ever "did it" with Richard. She in turn asks him if he "did it" with Magda. He replies, he could have...so did she? No...she admits. Did she want to? he asks. No, she says. Did he? No... he lies.

Douglas finally starts his speech. Jeannie turns to Judith and asks if she's okay. Judith admits, that she didn't expect Douglas to give his speech. Jeannie comments that after he's given his speech no-one will need to bump him off. Yes, Judith says not very enthusiastically. His book will sell millions Jeannie says, Judith will be a wealthy woman. This brightens Judith's outlook on life.

Douglas's speech turns out to be a non-event. All his revelations turns out to be common knowledge already, like the British government knowing that an organisation called the Mafia is in control of large parts of Sicily. And that Ministers took money in exchange for asking questions in the House of Commons. He has evidence that some MPs in the House of Commons are gay, and that the American president had an affair with someone within the White House itself. Lots of people get up and leave at this point. Mr. Buistrode and Mr Lacey realise they had nothing to worry about. "Small shame that a lot of people got killed for no reason at all" Mr Buistrode says.

"That's politics for you," Mr Lacey smiles and hands Mr Buistrode a flask of whisky.

The End

Guest Stars

Tom Baker as Wyvern Melissa Knatchbull as Wendy Gill Paul Rhys as Douglas Milton Arabella Weir as Judith Milton Alexis Deninof as Richard Shelley Simon Day as Swift Tim Wallers as Lacey Charlie Higson as Buistrode Simon Pegg as Justin Pope Nabil Saval as Arab General Angeline ball as Annabell Joanna Kanska as Magda Guy Pratt as Browning Rhys Thomas as First Hammer of God Tony Way as Second Hammer of God Freddie Stuart as Cab Driver Anthony Psaila as First arab Fawaz Iswani as second arab Daniel Weilon as Security Guard