OCD

My experience of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

When I first heard the term OCD it was 1998. I was 18 and I thought it was very weird. It was in the Jack Nicholson film “As Good As It Gets”. I kept asking my self “why does he keep checking the locks on the door?” “Why does he keep using a new bar of soap every time he washes his hands?”.

 Very soon after this I started checking the bathroom floor every time I went in. I was looking for dirt that had dropped off me. Or perhaps a hair from my head or some water from the sink, anything that had touched me. I would be looking and chanting under my breath. The words I used were “there’s nothing there, no, no, no”. The words seemed to help me remember looking or what other actions I was doing. At this point I thought I was controlling the actions. It was a lot later that I realised that the actions were controlling me.

 After about a year of doing the floor ritual I began worrying about door handles. First thing in the morning I cant touch the door handles. I use a clean t-shirt straight from the wardrobe or a fresh pair of socks. I now have all doors open all the time so I can push them open with my foot so I don’t have to touch them at all.

 The next obsession was checking that my bedroom window was locked at night. I would check it by counting to four, five times. Then I may go back again just in case I was mistaken. I then came up with the idea that I needed to do something that would make me remember checking the lock. My solution was to press my thumb on the lock until it left an indent on my skin. After several weeks my thumb started to loose its feeling. I stood there about twenty minutes every night. I am not sure why I did this, I can’t remember being worried about burglars or anything like that. But things were going to get worse than this. 

 Perhaps the most terrifying feeling and most difficult to overcome was being scared of going to the toilet. I feel scared sitting on it and knowing others will after me. After ive finished I wipe the seat. As I am wiping I count to four slowly. One revolution of the seat counts as one. Then I would count to fifty quickly. Finally I would count to four in pairs of five.

 After the seat was clean I had to clean under the seat and the rim of the basin. Such an act used to take twenty minutes and approximately an entire role of toilet paper in one day. I am very glad to say that ive got this down to three sheets per time, and it takes three or so minutes in total. I am extremely proud of this achievement.

 As I was partaking in these rituals, terrifying thoughts and feelings of what would happen if I didn’t clean my hands properly, involuntarily bombarded me. These thoughts clouded my concentration and I had to begin the routine again. This could go on an unmentionable amount of times.

 When I had finally cleaned the toilet I had to wash my hands. I needed to wash them, but couldn’t touch the soap, or the tap because my hands were dirty. After many months I came up with a system that was as painless as possible. First I would use a little soap. Then I would clean in between my fingers, first counting each middle as one. I’d do that four times. Then I proceeded to wash the rest of my fingers. I used to count from ten to zero. Unfortunately I got a mental block on the number ten. So I had to change it to zero. So I counted from zero to one twice. Then I was satisfied they were clean.

 That routine took an hour at its worst. Today the fastest I have been was five minutes. However, a shower still takes an hour or forty-five minutes at a push, but it can be done.   

 I don’t only have to wash my hands while I am in the bathroom. It is sadly most of the time. If my hands touch my body I cant touch anything else until ive washed it. I was, and still am scared of contaminating things and people. Until I can clean it I will put the hand on my chest so there is no chance it bumped something without me noticing.

 I wash my hands so often that the skin has lost its moisture and is dry and tight.  Most days it difficult to fully close my hand as it feels as if the skin will rip. The backs of my hands are often sore and occasionally cuts appear in the broken skin, which is extremely painful.

 In the summer of 2000 I realised how much this thing had affected my life.  University had started to fall away from me because I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I believe that I had a nervous breakdown. I didn’t change my clothes. I didn’t brush my teeth for months. I sat in room and hardly ate a thing. That summer I lost a stone and a half.

 This situation continued unchanged until March 2001. I went to the doctors, who referred me to a behaviour therapist. The appointment came though quick but I only saw them once. I'm still waiting for the next appointment.

 I took some herbal tablets called kava kava from the local alternative remedy shop. It worked wonders. It cut my time from a varying twenty five to thirty five minutes to fourteen to ten. It made life liveable again. I could concentrate on my university work again. I completed year one and two in one semester and I am now going into year three. I'm very much looking forward to completing my degree.

 I am attempting to rebuild my life, even though I still have OCD. Some of the above obsessions no longer affect me. These include checking my window lock at night and checking the floor. I'm very pleased ive found the strength to fight. And I will continue to do so. 

 Since the beginning of 2001 ive forced myself to improve, no matter how little. Along with being diagnosed as having Obsessive-compulsive disorder and also having severe dyslexia. It’s been a difficult time.

 I hope that you can recognise yourself in some of these thoughts. You must understand that you are not alone. You are also not mentally ill and they certainly wont lock you in the funny farm, also as I thought. Please. Don’t suffer in silence.

Thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings.

Anonymous Contribution