Here's a little bit about me............

Although I live in Edinburgh, Scotland, I was originally born in Doncaster, England in 1971. I never lived there though and both my parents are from Scotland. I have moved around a lot during my younger years, including a short spell in Spain.

My childhood was a very disruptive one, with both my parents having been married and divorced 7 times between them, emotional abuse from a step-parent, away at boarding school (St.Elphin's in Derbyshire & St.George's in Edinburgh), date-raped at 16 and long term suffering of mental health problems. I often wonder had these situations not occurred would I have suffered from a breakdown at 16, who knows?

I felt a lot of misery within me as I was growing up and always had a horrible question lodged in my mind "why was I born?", as I matured and grew up this changed to "I don't want to live in this world". Looking back now, I can see that I became unwell at quite an early age.

It was while taking my exams just after my 16th birthday that my emotional health deteriorated, I felt so overwhelmed by tiredness, I would often fall asleep while trying to study, I couldn't concentrate and classes and life became meaningless, my school reports were less encouraging as well. I thought a change of school would benefit my wellbeing, so I moved to Edinburgh in Aug 87 to board at St. George's School. For the first few months I was ecstatic, I wonder whether I was too high I was so elated because I came down so suddenly, so low that I took an overdose (Nov 87)....hospital....stomach pump....psychiatrist....back to school. I saw the psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but I felt the same, school was such a struggle, lost in my own thoughts of despair, my head echoed, my brain numb. Nearing my final exams, I shared a flat with my cousin, I took another overdose, 6 months after, this time I left a note... (May 88)...hospital...too late for a stomach pump....drip....psychiatrist....admitted to a psychiatric hospital (Royal Edinburgh Hospital), I was scared, images and thoughts about what a psychiatric hospital would be like, loony bin, mad people, screaming, torture....no I was wrong, that was what I had perceived, I was safe from my self destruction, quiet, nurses were friendly and doctors wanted to help. I was admitted to an adult ward, and they referred me to the "Young People's Unit" (one of a very small number), specialising in young people from about 12 up to 22 yrs of age, I was 17. It was a place to express yourself, lots of therapies, small doses of medication (antidepressants) just enough to lift me from my torture, and most of all to share with other young people. I was severely depressed, I also self-harmed, was paranoid and delusional. I spent 7 months as an in-patient, and then was well enough to get my own flat with another girl from the same Unit, but I didn't stay well for long, the paranoia and delusions got worse, as did the self-harm and I started hearing noises and voices, I was admitted again at age 19 to the hospital, this time for 6 months.....it was decided that I needed a supported environment in order to get better and get the help I needed. Around this time I also started some new medication, an antipsychotic called Sulpiride.

I applied for supported accommodation and was accepted, an environment of support from mental health workers and other residents with mental illness. While I was there I met my now husband, as our relationship became closer we applied together for a flat and we moved to where we are now (July 91), this was a difficult adjustment after having been cared for for so long, but my husband has been a tower of strength through all the difficult times. I was discharged from the "Young People's Unit" when I was 22 (1993), I was old enough now to use the adult services. I'd still been suffering and had taken a overdose of Amytryptaline in July 92, from which I nearly died. Although in between episodes I'd not been too bad, never back to what I was, but functioning.

Along with changes in medication (put on Prozac and continued with Sulpiride) and other services I had been reasonably well until Sept 1997, (between 1993 and 1997 I had no contact with psychiatric services, apart seeing my GP for my medication), when gradually I deteriorated, the paranoia and delusions came back as did the voices and I was sent to a day unit (Inverleith Unit) and put on more medication (Melleril) which I feel contributed to my overdoses in Dec 97 & Jan 98, I suffered what they call "paradoxical side-effects", the drug was doing the opposite of what it was meant to do, the final straw was hearing voices telling me to kill myself, that it wasn't worth living anymore. I consulted my GP on the Wednesday, saw my key nurse and psychiatrist on the Thursday telling them exactly what was happening to me and ran away and took an overdose on the Friday, I left a note to my husband telling him that he should kill himself also, I went away on a train to Glasgow (40 miles away) and ended up at a bed and breakfast and waited to die, it didn't work, although I was physically sick, the police were looking for me everywhere, I was featured in newspapers and on television. After 2 days I ran out of money, left the B&B, went to a call box and phoned the Samaritans and told them it hadn't worked. Then I phoned the police, who picked me up on a cold and rainy night outside a call box. I was put in a police cell and then taken back to Edinburgh where I was admitted to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary to be treated for my overdose, I was then admitted to the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, the same ward where I first went when I was 17. I don't recall much during the first few weeks, I couldn't eat, sleep or think, the nurses had no time for me or anyone else, the doctors you hardly ever saw and no one bothered to even ask me what had led to my breakdown, I can't bear to think about the whole experience. I was discharged in March 1998 after finally getting my medication changed and continued to attend my local day hospital (Inverleith Unit), I slowly started to feel better again. This did not last and I had another spell in hospital in August 1998, where I had my medication changed again. I've had a few ups and downs since but nothing needing hospital admission thankfully. At times I still struggle, and sometimes feel that each episode just gets worse and more difficult to cope with, I also have not recovered as well as before and I find everyday tasks difficult...... some days I can cope and other days I just want to sleep and leave the day behind.........

January 2000, things are stable, sleeping is still a major problem for me which gets me down. I have a referral to a Community Psychiatric Nurse, who will visit me at home to chat and check that things are OK, and intervene if any problems arise. During this last year I have made many new friends on the internet and being online is becoming a large part of my life.

June 2000, life is difficult, the bad days outweigh the good. I have a Community Psychiatric Nurse now who visits me once a fortnight, and I value her support. I left the day hospital after being there for over 2 yrs, I felt I had used all the services they had to offer and no longer looked forward to attending there anymore. I try and attend a local drop-in for people with mental health problems just up the road from me called the "Threshold" 2 days a week, it's very friendly and supportive. And I spend a lot of time online getting support and offering support and of course adding lots to my web site, which I find very therapeutic. I am looking to get a referral for a review of my meds and see if something can be changed as I've been on one of my meds for 9 yrs, one other that I have been on in the past (Mirtazapine) changed my life for 6 months...the change in me was incredible and I am looking to try and get to that stage again.....hopefully!.

October 2000, I very gradually went downhill after my "June" report, I had an appointment to get my meds reviewed and my Sulpiride and Prozac were reduced, it was felt that the Sulpiride was possibly making me apathetic and lethargic and that a reduction would "improve" the situation. The Prozac was reduced because it was felt that 20mg was just as effective as 40mg. 2 weeks after these reductions I felt intense agitation over a period of a few days, I started to feel very desperate, very low mood, poor appetite and unable to sleep, the voices started to become nastier and harmful to me. So I approached my husband and he took me up to the Psychiatric Emergency Team up at the local psychiatric hospital (Royal Edinburgh), they assessed the situation, said there were no beds available in the whole of the hospital, so we decided to go home and my Sulpiride was increased again. 2 days later we were back at the hospital, this time a little bit more desperate than before, they asked me to come in, they had beds. "Only for a few days" I said....... never turned out that way as I needed a bit more intense care than was initially thought. Mind you, I was just in the door and they took me off my Prozac, increased the Sulpiride, and, presribed when needed, Droperidol, and at night Zopiclone to help me sleep. Mirtazapine was started after one week off the Prozac. Staff were ok this time, saw the doctors record number of times!!!, ward was pretty busy, meals were disgusting as always.......so I'm home now, feeling calmer, but still quite low, but it's manageable as long as I don't try and do too many chores/activities. Seeing my CPN once a week just now and have out-patient appointments to adjust medication. I often think "when will it ever end"......

May 2001, after I came home from hospital I tried to tolerate the Mirtazapine, but the side-effects were really bad this time and I didn't feel much better although I was a lot calmer. I saw an SHO on an out-patient basis who didn't really want me to come off it, I eventually persuaded him and then he wanted me back on Prozac, but again I told him that I'd been on that long enough and wanted to try something I hadn't taken before, he didn't listen so I went along to my GP and told her I would like to try Paroxetine, she agreed...at last!.....so I started Paroxetine 20mg in January and continued with Sulpiride which my GP increased after the SHO had decreased it. I gave up seeing the SHO because I really felt he was of no help whatsoever, I, after all knew how I felt, I know what helps me and what doesn't. The Paroxetine is not much different to Prozac but I get a good sleep and my mood is staying level. I'm seeing my CPN every 3 weeks and I now have a support worker from Penumbra (mental health charity) who I see twice a week. I see my GP for my medication now and she is also very good. I may never beat this illness, but I will try my hardest not to let it get me down, and good support is the key issue in trying to stay sane!

I hope visitors can identify with my experiences, mental illness is for some people a life sentence and this is why I share with others, we are creative, intelligent human beings and have a lot to give other people. I would like others to share with me, poetry and personal stories. Together we can give others hope.....

Thanks for reading............

Catherine

Courage is not being afraid,
it's being afraid and carrying on.....
http://www.inside-my-mind.co.uk -  My Mental Health Website
http://pub21.ezboard.com/bmentalhealth -  My Mental Health Forum
http://www.geocities.com/cazie/index76.html - My Mental Health Chat, Sunday 8pm onwards