What are the T.W.H.I.R.L. awards? Well, imagine you're watching a film with some friends, a film that's fantasy like The Matrix, Deep Rising, Lost In Space, Practical Magic....something like that. You're engrossed in the movie, really enjoying, then when something out-of-the ordinary happens, like someone shooting from an impossible angle and still hitting the target or someone dodges a punch by doing acrobatics, someone in the room watching the film with you utters something like this...

"That wouldn't happen in real life..."

What's even more pathetic is that this type think they're impressing everyone. Well, they're not. If anything, they're annoying everyone by ruiing the atmosphere. I never got to see The Matrix at the cinema, and on watching on video for the first time, two people stood in front of the tv screen and burbled on about the end of the film being crap and that I shouldn't watch it as it's stupid and over the top. Another time, whilst watching Leon, someone said "You can see the wires..." Yes, someone actually dissed one of the best films ever.

So, I decided to make the TWHIRL awards, dedicated to the saddest, crappest comments made during the watching of a film. Here are type of things that can earn an award...

• Observation of unrealism - We are all quite aware that people cannot fly, that lasers and other futuristic weapons don't exist, that people can't control the weather with their minds, but those of us who have brains have this really neat ability to suspend our disbelief and just sit back and watch. If you see something that isn't realistic, whoop-dee-sheep-shagging-do...keep your trap shut don't spoil it for everyone else, you twat.
• Stating of the mind-bleedingly obvious - a prime example of this is when I was trying to watch Lost In Space, and the bit where you see the spaceship for the first time you hear a fanfare of music. At this point, someone in the room said "Oh, is this the 'Seeing the spaceship for the first time' music?" sounding very pleased with himself. Well done, everyone on the frigging planet noticed it, but you felt the need to state the obvious...what a sad way to try and look superior. What next? The credits come up at the end, and you say "Oh, are these the credits?"
• Laughing at inappropriate times - This is really idiotic. I sad part of the film that's meant to be genuinely tear-jerking and some heartless wanker in the room laughs. One good example of this was whilst watching Armageddon, during the life-flashing-before-his-eyes part, someone laughed and said how stupid that was. Problem was, a girl he fancied was watching it with us and afterwards she said how she could never go out with someone so cold and soulless...take note.

However, somethings don't count...

• Constant whittering - The constant asking of stupid questions like Who's that? Isn't he one of the bad guys? I thought she was dead? etc. doesn't count, you've just made the bad mistake of watching a film with someone intent on deliberatly fucking up the film for you by reading a book or just not paying attention, missing the action then asking you to fill them in and thus you miss even more of the film.
• Constant Whining - Someone constantly whining through the film, saying over and over It's Crap doesn't count either. Stick a sausage roll in their gob and tell them if they can't keep quiet so everyone else can watch the movie then they should fuck off directly.

So, next time you're watching a film and some sad act starts rabbitting on in an attempt to make themselves look great by pointing out pointless nuggets of information that we'd rather not hear because not impressed at all, make a note of the comment secretly, then email it to me (title the email "Lair - twhirl awards). I will then post it here for all to see, and every month (or week, depending on how this turns out) we'll judge on the saddest of the sad, and choose a comment that really stands out in field of crap film comments!