Imagine everything you see is grey, everything you taste is but ash, everything you smell is musty, everything you hear is discordant and all you touch is cold and lifeless...
Welcome to the world of the run-of-mill-ten-a-penny film reviewer. This is a very sad and lonely lifeform whose only pleasures come from slating the films they watch, except for a rare few films that they praise and claim are "Brilliant" and "must-see" that are confusing at best and pretentious drivvle at worst...imagine a film in Portugese with Russian subtitles called "The day I made some toast" (and no toast is ever seen or mentioned) and is about a someone watering a cactus? You get my drift...
Well, when I watch a film, I watch it. I don't pick it apart and analyse it. I watch it. I'm a TRUE movie fan, not someone who is so jaded with the world that unless the film gives me an intellectual orgasm and gives me a philosophical awakening then the film is total rubbish. If I want that, I'll read some of my philosophy books.
Some film reviewers are so odd, they come out with the most irrelivant bollocks ever, like calling Johnny Lee Millars' character in Dracula 2000 "dim"! These reviewers burble on an on, listening to the sound of their own voices instead of actually taking any notice of the film...which explains why some reviews sound like they are for completely different films than the ones they are describing. And the mere hint of an explosion or swearingand the film is slammed, along with it's fans, as "juvenile" and unwatchable.
No, when I watch a film, I watch it be entertained, not to be educated. And the only thing I've noticed that University is good for nowadays is to produce people like the above mentioned film reviewers!
So, if you're a true movie fan, and would the opinion of someone who actually watched the films he reviews, read on...
Please note: films are listed alphabetically for ease of finding, at that major plot devices will be omitted as not everybody is an idiot who like to have films spoilt before they've been viewed, and not everyone is a child of Satan and thus spoil films for others.
Special note to "Professional" film reviewers. You are jaded with the world around you. Like Nemesis the Warlock travelling forward in time to the last days of Earth when the Sun has expanded to a red giant, all you see before you is a barren, dead planet. You are agents of The Nothing, that dread villain of The Never-ending Story which consumes, destroys and desecrates all that is magical and fun in the world. When a film is full of exctement and fun and joy and powerful heroes and villains, you describe it using words like balderdash, affiliated ponderousness, lacking, and lots of other ill-used superlatives that are at best insulting and at worst...show you for having very poor syntax and a dead heart. You live at the edges of a cold universe on a dead planet. But fortunatly, there are some like me who are willing to watch films with a pinch of salt and have a heart that is young, a soul that believes in the magical, and a mind that is not closed and full of it's own blind, mis-informed, hate-fuelled information tht is worth less than the ash you taste when watching a film. You may speak, for it freedom to do so, but don't use your freedom to destroy the dreams of the young and turn them in to lifeless husks with no love for the world. You may blast a film for being an heroic tale, yet praise films that are weird for weirds' sake, for it is the films' weirdness that makes it different and watchable for you. But you will never conquer the desire in the Human heart for adventure...
Here's to Will Smith for flying into space, to Sigorney Weaver for defeating a dread alien, to Jeff Goldblum for defeating ressurrected dinosaurs, to Sean Connery for countless missions for Her Majesty, to Christopher Lambert for defeating a terrible immortal foe, to Mira Sorvino for destroying an underground killer, to Bruce Lee, Alicia Silverstone, Jackie Chan, Halle Berry, Richard Burton, Robin Williams, Sean Pertwee, DeForrest Kelly, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck, Kevin Costner, James Woods, Cameron Diaz, Keanu Reeves, Nicole Kidman, Patrick Stewart, Bill Pullman, River Phoenix, Alec Guiness, Salma Hayek, Harrison Ford, Kevin Kline, James Mason, Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brondo, Hugh Jackman, Seann William Scott, Tobey Maguire, Sandra Bullock, Jessica Tandy, Gregory Peck, Deborah Kerr, Michael York, Judge Reinhold, Patrick Swayze, Helen Slater, Martin Sheen, Roy Scheider, Bette Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, Danny DiVito, and countless others whose names will glitter on in the world of film and television entertainment, enthralling and entertaining generation after generation long after the vile words of jealousy have faded into oblivion...we thank you.
By the way, I'll do my best to avoid using language and terms like "quantifiable judgements", "lacking in inertia" and "deplorably moribund" as this will only make me look pompous and seem like a poser which is fucking tragic.
Firefox
Starring
Clint Eastwood as Mitchell Gant Nigel Hawthorne as Dr. Baranovich Freddy Jones as Kenneth Aubrey
It is 1982, and the Cold War is still on. Nato Intelligence has disovered that the Russians have developed and made the MiG 31, nato designation 'Firefox', a warplane like no other. It can not only travel but also manoever at speeds exceeding Mach 6, is completely invisible to radar and its weapons system in controlled by thought impulses. If the USSR were able to mass produce these, it would make the Cold War take a very nasty turn. But NATO also deemed the Firefox too valuable to destroy...
Enter Mitchell Gant (Eastwood), former USAF pilot and Vietnam veteran. Although suffering from panic attacks that come with flashbacks of his horrifying ordeal as a POW, he is still considered the best fighter pilot in the world. And, as his mother was Russian, he knows her language as well as he knows English. However, even with his credintials you can still understand his reaction when he is exactly what he must do in order to fly "The greatest warplane ever made".
The first part of the film is concerned with the cloak-and-dagger espionage he has to go through in order to get to the jet, with incredibly selfless people helping and sacrificing themselves to help him near his goal. The second part is the bit that most have been waiting for...the ultimate ride in the ultimate fighting jet!
Although somewhat slow-paced to begin with, this is understandable as only a complete novice would rush things and walk up to Russia and say 'Gimme yer plane, please, I'm in a hurry.' All in all, a good film about a plane that is still advanced by todays standards
Rating 7/10
Kung Pow
Starring
Steve Oederkerk as The Chosen One Lung Fai as Master Pain Tse Ling Ling as Ling Chen Hui Lou as Master Tang Lau Kar Wing as Wimp Lo
The man who brought you the internet movie Thumb Wars got hold of an obscure Honk Kong martial arts film (other reviewers may love to pose and tell you both titles this film has...I can't be arsed.) and replaced, using Blue Screen tech, the hero with himself! Parts of the film were replaced with Oederkerks' own footage, and all the voices were dubbed by Oederkerk too, and were put together creating Kung Pow!: Enter the Fist
His family being slain at the hands of evil Master Pain (and narrowly avoiding his own death at horrid villains' hands!), he escaped...
Growing up and being under constant attack, he grew to be an expert in martial arts, defeating his foes with the maddest moves ever! Finding Master Tang, he explains to the old guy about his strange 'mutation' and why it has caused him to be the target of Master Pain and his bosses, The Evil Council. Here, The Chosen One discovers a prophecy that states that he will defeat Master Pain and The Evil Council with the aid of his odd bodypart.
After surviving many battles, and training hard, he finally gets to his goal, the final showdown with Master Pain!
This film is an absolute riot of a Kung Fu parody, with the few seconds just before the title come up setting the tone for the rest of the film. It's one of those you can watch again and again due to there being so many things you miss whilst laughing the first time round! So if you're in the mood for wacky comedy in the same league as Airplane! and Austin Powers, this'll do you nicely...Wee ooo weee!
Rating 7/10
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Starring
Sean Connery as Alan Quartermain Naseeruddin Shah as Captain Nemo Peta Wilson as Willamena Harker Stewart blergh as Dorian Grey Tony Curran as Rodney Skinner Shane West as Tom Sawyer Jason Flemyng as Henry Jekyll/Edward Hyde Richard Roxburgh as M
It is 1899, an evil villain is setting it up to make it look like England and Germany are sabotaging each other. If not stopped, he will initiate a World War, nation against nation.
Now, imagine if all those great heroes of literature were real and not only that but you could also enlist their help in saving the world? Enter H. Rider Haggards' adventuring hero Alan Quartermain, Jules Vernes' Captain Nemo, Bram Stokers' Mena Harker, Rodney Skinner who "inherited" the serum that would make him The Invisible Man, the last boy-adventurer of the southern states Tom Saywer and Doctor Henry Jekyll and his powerful alter-ego Edward Hyde.
Together, these people face off against some real nasty villains, with main villain of the peace being a very bad apple!
Lots of action and fun, a definate recommendation for those who enjoy films such as The Mummy and Raiders of the Lost Ark
Rating 8/10
Got a film you'd like to be reviewed by someone actually watching the film rather than analysing it, scrutinising it, and slamming it for not being over-the-top weird-for -the-sake-of-it bullshit? Drop me an email...just go to the contact page!
